Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Can I really do this #3

JS, calm down. Your D is more upset with the sitch with your MR, than with you. Kids lash out at what they can, when they can't lash out at what they are really mad at. This is why abused kids bully other kids, because they can't bully the abusive parent.

Your D is in pain because of your MR, and she lashes out at you because it lets her think she is dealing with it.

And to answer your question: "Does this mean she is just trying to solidify Plan A? Does this mean she is just trying anything she can to prod me into blowing up and justifying her decision Or is it that she is just so selfish that she doesn't care who gets hurt along the way?"

Answers: maybe, yes, and yes.

But also she wants YOU to do the heavy lifting. Look at the sitches on this board. So many of the WASs just sit on their hands and want the LBS to do the work of actually Ding. This is classic WAS behavior. I've read a lot of books since my BD and trust me, limbo is the state that WASs operate in. So many of them are afraid to move forward and afraid to go back, so they just sit where they are at.

Hi steve, I am sorry about your sitch. Sometimes teenagers are that cruel but it is related with not knowing how to manage feelings in the end. They say things when they get angry from not doing/getting what they want. They try to manipulate things for their own convenience, they are age related selfish. Do not take things so deep. I have a 13ys old son: they are a darth vader teenage version but we love them anyway.

Keep strong!

Sorry, I mean Justsad

Thanks Steve.
Trying to get a grip and handle on the D situation. Great insight on she is a kid (will always be my baby girl) and the emotions she is dealing have to be dealt with and focused somewhere. With her knowledge of living through the health issues of her Mom, I clearly acknowledge that my D is very protective of my W, holds her in her mind as a hero (and I love this), and still believes that her Mom might actually be able to support a home on her own. Just clarifying the last sentence is not a jab at my wife, merely the knowledge that my D adores and idolizes my W because there is no true knowledge of the real world).

Figuratively just talking myself off of a ledge this morning. With reflecting on yesterday, worried every moment of the day what might happen, and terrified of the future, it is tough to get the motivation to push through the day. I am not fatalistic. I am just trying to weigh the options on what I never thought I'd contemplate. At what point do I need to take control and get this moving forward?

I love my wife.

My only desire is to see her and my children happy.

When you have given up hope and truly ready to move on. Not until.

Why do they reach so hard to hurt you?

Tough to do the "Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does". How do you remain human through all of this.

So was the financial collapse just a rehearsal to get me through this regardless of the outcome?

Detaching

Not sure what you mean? Obstinate spouses rarely say the truth. That is why you believe nothing they say.

This goes both ways. When they say "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce." don't believe it. When they say "I think if we have an amicable D, one day we might be able to reconnect." don't believe it.

They will say whatever they feel at a given moment and they will say what they think they should say at a given moment.

My W, in the midst of her waywardness, told me flat out that if I asked her something that the answer she gave might be different if I asked again an hour later. Even the WWs that aren't purposely misleading their H's can't be trusted because they aren't even sure of the words that they are saying!

So when you say it is hard, I don't understand that. When you deal with a person that doesn't deal in the truth and reality, it would be hard to take anything they say at face value. You are allowing your love for you W skew whether or not you should be believing what she says.

We LBHs don't like to follow that advice because despite knowing the girl we married is gone, we want to believe she is still there some where. She isn't.

Makes total sense and you are right. I am trying to inject logic and the past character into the equation when it is not the same person and they are not logical.

I know there is no sense in this situation. When I say that it is hard, I mean that I struggle daily in my own mind that this situation is so unrealistic and dealing with it in the db'ing way seems to be working, but it just stinks.

She will let things sit for a day or so and then push again. Each time moving a touch closer but doing absolutely nothing concrete. When she was threatening yesterday, I told her we had almost everything done accept the lease on the home and her getting her vehicle out of my name. Asked how she wanted to deal with the car and her response was "I'll have to think about it this week and let you know". This was the same response 3 months ago, 2 months ago and last month.

She looks at me with such contempt, not hatred yet but I do see it going that way at times.

No idea what is going through her mind.

Senseless is a very apt description in all of these kinds of things.

But remember, WWs are driven by feelings. So logic and sense aren't part of that equation. Something I had to keep reminding myself in my sitch when my W was WW. Feelings over logic. Emotion over sense.