Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Can I really do this #3

All still up in the air.

And my thoughts would be to not pressure too much about an R, but the knowledge that the "fresh start" she is wanting "could" involve our family.

I am concerned about protecting myself financially if she suddenly decided to move and then bolted.

As far as supporting 2 households, unless L's argue and she can get the prenup thrown out (going to be very expensive) there will be no spousal support. She has been denied disability claims for the 3rd time which I understand is kind of the kiss of death, so the government says she can work. I would of course have child support, but that would not make even a minor dent in supporting her. I realize that is not my problem any longer and don't dwell on it too much. I was just contemplating the idea and if an offer comes, the opportunity. If it turns out to be just for my kids and myself, so be it.

Thanks again Sandi.

struggling this morning. More just journaling than anything.

Had a bad dream. Don't remember all of it, just the parts I do were very vivid and of future events where W and I are D'd and having to deal with each other. No fighting or anything like that, just the sadness of the situation and seemed like a cloud was over everything that happened.

This caused me to wake up in a not good mood. I had to push myself to get my work out in, but the entire time I was thinking and focused on our situation. How it hurts and how difficult going through this is. I want and need to feel some normalcy in my life and for life of our children.

Absolutely nothing happened last evening. No confrontation, no talking, in fact W was a little chatty about nothing when I got home. She was very cold last week, and of course the night I got home from my business trip, but since then she has added in some "have a good day" and even "good night" when we went to bed. Her demeanor is a bit softened and I don't feel the bitterness in her voice the last few days.

Just in my head this morning. Wondering about the career situation and if it might work out to be a good opportunity. Would that be a good re-start point for us. Sandi, I did read your posts and agree that outside of protecting myself that opening the door to us doing this together without huge expectations about a total R would be best.

I need to get out more and do things but I feel that if I do that would cause more friction with our financial issues and resentment. I would also LOVE to take my kids away for a few days (W is always welcome) but there would be the issues associated with that as well with her thinking if she did it may send a wrong message or just her desire not to be social around me.

Going to do some projects around the house this weekend, get the kids involved and maybe W will participate as her health allows. Supposed to rain on Sunday so it will have to be this afternoon and tomorrow.

Maybe Sunday we can hit the new Jurassic Park movie or something and a late lunch or early dinner. W's involvement will greatly depend on both her attitude and her health conditions.

I am doing my best to not be a doormat. The yard work is a bit 180 for me. I have been mowing and trimming the lawn but could step it up a bit. My issue with that is I am very allergic to cut grass and it drives me crazy in both the sneezing and itching so when it gets done I immediately have to take a shower.

Should I send an email or text to my wife talking about me stopping at Home Depot to get some mulch, flowers, etc to brighten our yard? Also thought about grabbing our lawn chairs, cooking some food and hanging in the cul-de-sac while the kids play in the late afternoon/early evening. A drink or 2 with some music, laughter and being outside would be nice.

I don't know if I am deluding myself with what could be pipe dreams and I am not trying to press or push the situation. I know about detaching,but he 180's that I need to do is to change being more involved in the family and chores. My working took a bunch of time and the health issues with my W took a bunch of time away from us working together as well. My W enjoys the yard work, working outside and making a happy home. This has not been done for a few years. My thought would be that if we did this together, it might connect without an emotional and/or physical relationship issue but would give us a chance to come together as a team and accomplish a task.

Please help and give me some feed back. Should I just send her a quick text or email saying my ideas and how it would just help us all feel better about our home for the rest of the summer.

Is this pursuing? or is it just 2 people in the same home coming together to spruce it up and make it more comfortable.

PLEASE HELP WITH FEED BACK ON THIS IF YOU CAN.

There is no magic bullet, and I know this is a long road. We can get the kids involved as well, ice cream or popsicle breaks for them and hopefully some work, accomplishment, laughter and followed by a decent evening outdoors.

Thoughts.....again PLEASE.

Bump. please help...

First question, to get out of the way here.....don't you have a relative short time before you need to present the idea of relocation to her? Shouldn't you get that out of the way, first? IDK, just asking. Are you trying to work on the relationship, in preparation to discuss the family relocating?



Who usually does the yard work? Is this a point of irritation with her, even knowing of your allergies? Can you afford to pay someone to mow and trim the yard? There are a lot of physical 180's I would love to do, but my health prevents it. We have to make the 180 improvements in the areas of our capabilities.



Well, I wouldn't spring on her. Before purchasing a lot of stuff, I would discuss it face to face. Something like....

You: "I know you always took pride in having a nice yard, and your health has prevented you doing all the things you enjoyed. I've let my allergies hold me back from a lot of the yardwork. If you'd like, we could team up to do a few projects and see if we can improve the looks of the yard".

WW: "I never know how I may be feeling......but what did you have in mind as projects?

You: (Explain the flower beds, etc.)

WW: "Why the sudden interest in how the yard looks?"

Then, what will you say?




There are some things that you can't hold back just b/c she might see her joining the family activity as sending you the wrong message. You can tell her she is welcome to go along, but no pressure. Whatever she feels about it, is up to her to decide. That's out of your hands.

If I were you, I would not kill myself trying to do all that yard work, leading up to an invitation to join in a family trip. All of this preceding a talk about moving to a new location......just looks as if you are buttering her up. Can you see what I mean?



Just causally mention that you are going to take the kids to see Jurassic Park on Sunday, and she's welcome to go if she feels like it. Don't make activity decisions for you and the kids all about her. You have become so accustomed to putting her feelings in the center of everything you do, until I wonder if you even realize it. I'm not suggesting you be callous about her health issues, but go forward with doing activities with the kids. If she doesn't feel well that day, then you and the kids go anyway. This is how it would be if you were not living together. The kids will begin to resent her health issues a lot, if their wants & needs are determined by how mom feels.



No, b/c it sounds as if you've made the "team" decision without her input.



That part is fine, b/c you can do it with just you and the kids, if she isn't feeling well. But whenever you are suggesting something done as a team, you need to consult the team members before you make steps to purchase things. See the difference?



You want to do it together, so yeah, it's pursuing.....masked by wanting to spruce up the place.



I think I once told you to treat her as if she was there as boarder. If you want to invite her to join in the activities, that's up to you. If she is considered part of the team effort, then treat as her such. If you are going to do something with the kids anyway, and you invite her to join, that's up to her. If you had a little old lady living there for room & board, would you base your activities solely on what the boarder wanted? I don't think so. You would proceed with your family, doing whatever you enjoyed. The boarder can sit on the side watching, if that's what she wants.

Realistically, I know it's not that simple for you. This is your W and your future. I'm simply giving you a guide to check some of the less major day to day decisions that you make.

Thank Sandi.

There is a relatively short time to talk about the relocation. We are negotiating and the final offer is not out yet. I don't want to jump the gun and tell her prior to it being an actual viable option. So yes, I was trying to do something non recreational but family oriented to hopefully see us as a family.

I have always taken care of the yard outside of gardening that she enjoyed when she was physically able to do so. I plan ahead accordingly, take an allergy pill, hit the yard and immediately shower afterwards. Never an issue with us on that.

On the quick trip thing. I agree. I need to do it more. It is the financial part that scares me that she would throw that in my face. I would go to my sisters where I would only have to pay for gas and some food, but there would be no way she would be comfortable going there now.

I'll put off buying anything for the yard and just casually bring it up and see how it goes with her.

I do believe, weather permitting as we have some rain coming in, that I will get the kids out to play in the cul-de-sac and sit out with a chair at least once in the next week. If she joins, cool. If not, I get to hang and watch my kids play.

Knew I was pursuing with my attempts.

Thank you. No, it is not that simple. She is my W and my future. I don't know if the future will be short term or long term. I do feel the major decisions kind of happen when they happen due to the build up and reaching the point of no return. It is those little decisions that can either cause her to pause and think of our relationship and MR or solidify her decision to end it. This is where I don't know where/how/when to go and I appreciate the guidance. Not much communication today, just texts about the kids and getting them where they need to be. Pleasant enough and not combative, so I have that going for me today.

Concentrating and gearing up for a db'ing weekend. I am confident, pleasant, and fun for the next 72 hours!

and not just on the weekend, I truly am happier now that I am accepting the things that I can control (myself) and the things I cannot (everything else).

Today stinks!!!

I don't know what to do.

Weekend was calm and going uneventful. Today started well, then D started acting up. Ended up in her pitting W and me against each other which we were came together ok, but D basically said in a conversation with all 3 of us:

"I know you guys are separating and I don't want to spend every other week with you. We have grown apart and I really don't even like you that much".

Ouch! W and her have always been closer especially recently as W has been gossiping with her more about life, boys, etc. I am out working and paying the bills, but we have always been cordial except for the Daddy/daughter dynamic of having to discipline etc.

W is pissed now after that now wants to talk later about getting the mediation going. She feels that I am selfish and everything is all about me. I am not beginning to believe that maybe I am the one that is wrong. That I am the bad person in our family. If my D believes it and my W is leaving me, maybe they are right. What does all this mean? Why is this happening? ALL I have tried to do over the last 3 years since the financial issue was to keep my family together. WAS I WRONG TO EVEN TRY THIS? I feel like just giving up, but that really isn't an option now is it.

I know my D is just a teenager, but what she said really hurt and now knowing my W is going to use this fully to her advantage.

I know this is a roller coaster, but I feel like we just flew off the rails and there is probably nothing that can save this MR. I just need to regroup and focus on my kids.

How can this happen????
Why is it that all I am trying to do is work, provide for my family and try to hold all of this together and now I am the evil, bad, pathetic person?

PLEASE HELP WITH THOUGHTS AND IDEAS!!

Man. That hurts. If this was me, I'm thinking I'd be looking at baby steps to change the R between the two of you for the better. Nothing big or she'll get suspicious and maybe rebel against it. Think small. What does she like? Bring her home her favorite candy bar and just set it on the counter, don't make it a big production of giving it to her. Make her favorite dinner, again, don't say anything about it, just do it. Rent a movie with her in mind and casually ask her if she wants to watch it. Key-she has to know you're watching it yourself either way. Take her to a movie if you think she'd be open to it. Just look at ways to spend time with her however small....someone needs to drive her to her friends house? You'll do it! Take her to the mall? You'll do it! See where I'm going with that?

I know you guys are separating and I don't want to spend every other week with you. We have grown apart and I really don't even like you that much
Those words are like a dagger thru the heart- very painful to even read. I will try to explain it from a different angle. My W had become the primary earner like you. My W before BD was a good mom IMO. We have a teenage S. Thru he years of him growing up I have always been more connected, taking him to and from school when he was young. Teaching him skills and doing activities like baseball, chess, taking him to all his swim lessons. I even coach his baseball and soccer teams. She would only spend time with him if it was something she had to go do like shopping. She feel as if she rarely would do something purely for him. Fast forward to now. My W has moved out to her new apartment it has been over a month my S has yet to reach out to her or visited her. I kind wonder how W is holding up because for me this would be a slow death sentence. I will not stand between them and I will support a relationship in the future if it happens. A while back My W asked me why does he not want to be with me? I feel -as the saying goes - you get what you give. Not implying that you did not give JS.
My suggestion now is to really pay attention to what interests your D. Best time I feel to get info is when you are driving her with her friends in the car and just listen to what interests them. Use this information to slowly create a connection with D, not pushing but always asking open ended questions that require a small explanation. Be aware of music she listens to shows she watches even items that she values. Just try to connect in very small ways and increments. Hopefully this will open her heart. Good luck on your journey.

"I know you guys are separating and I don't want to spend every other week with you. We have grown apart and I really don't even like you that much".

Likely not really meant, but meant to be the dagger to the heart that it was. My D has said things like this too recently. Usually in reaction to not getting something that she wants. Teenage girls are masters at mind games. It is a defense mechanism in dealing with each other, and they use it in dealing with everyone else as well.

So JS, I have been doing a lot of reading about dealing with teenage Ds, and the best advice that has had the best effect is to let it roll of your back like water off a duck. I used to react to all of her eye-rolls, comments, anger, etc. I found that the more I ignore it the less she does it. She is looking for a reaction. And when we as parents react to statements like the quote above it gives in to what they are looking for.

Hang in there. Things will get better.

Thanks guys.

A total dagger to the heart and still reeling a bit today.

Spoke with W about it later (no one else to speak with about co-parenting and feel we need an open line. I did let her know it hurt quite a bit, but I didn't dwell on that, more on the "I am going to work on repairing the R with my D, but W and I need to make sure we aren't getting pitted against each other.

W took the opportunity to twist the dagger a bit and mention that she doesn't blame D, W just wants to get away from me as well. She then proceeded to ask why I was dragging all of this out anyway. I told her that I emphatically did not want a D, but I was not standing in her way. She asked why I hadn't set a mediation appointment. I responded and said " you gave me some dates and I responded which one's I was available for. After that, I haven't heard anything". She went on for a bit and I just finally said "get out your ipad and let's schedule it now". Her response: "I'm not going to be on your timeline. I need to take my meds and then I'm taking a shower. After that, I will come downstairs and we will set the appointment."

She did her stuff, came downstairs and started preparing her usual Sunday home cooked dinner. This one was took a little while to prepare, so our "discussion" earlier was around 2pm. Now it is 545pm and she just asks if I want some dinner. We eat, and then sit down to watch tv. NO MENTION OF A DATE/TIME WHATSOEVER!

There was definitely more to all of the situation, but I just hit the highlights. Needless to say this is all that I have been thinking about since it all transpired.

I do not know what to do at this point. My W says she is totally checked out and done with me, yet she will not lift a real finger to make it happen. Does this mean she is just trying to solidify Plan A? Does this mean she is just trying anything she can to prod me into blowing up and justifying her decision Or is it that she is just so selfish that she doesn't care who gets hurt along the way?

Not gonna lie, it was a very bad day yesterday and I have no idea how long it will take to repair the relationship with my D. Not so funny, but isn't it interesting how you think things can't get worse, and then your D's words tear what's left of your heart apart.

Still way in my head today so I apologize for any "out there" comments. After all of that, W still came into our room and slept right next to me.

I am so lost in this right now, at this moment I have no idea of how this can be my true reality.