Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART X

Stop going to her place.

V

Dude you are still in the friend zone. Stop talking to her on the phone for 3 hours. No group dates until you are a couple! You are frustrating the h&ll out of me.

When she mentioned she wasn't interested in dating, I would have said, "Not even, me?" and see where it went from there. I see it as a take it or leave it moment. If she was interested, she would have done something. If not, you would definitely know. And if she didn't, I would seriously back off and leave her be...

Well so be it if I'm in the friend zone. I'm at a point I don't care. There's too much female drama in my life as it is. We went out to eat, stopped and bought her a fish, and then when I went to drop her off at home she asked me to stay and make a fire with her. So I did. I'm not going to go out and waste money to simply have the same conversations "out somewhere." Neither of us are really bar people at all... we're also smokers, so things like going to a bar to drink or the movies aren't our thing...it never was. We both wanted to chill out...not galavant all over town just so I can make it a "date" as defined by every romantic comedy that's ever been made. We made plans at her prompting to meet up and do something. We did dinner and shopping. That's what we did and that sounds like a qualified date to me.
She's not going to miraculously change just because we label it a date. We're spending time together, she keeps coming around and until I or her happened to meet and date other people I see nothing wrong here. It takes time to get to know someone again after a 4 year absence. I'm not shutting myself in a room pining for her...I do my own thing and she does whatever she does.
If I meet someone I want to date then I'll do it. Just like when Mary came back...I didn't restrain myself because of WAW. I'm going to do what I want to do when I feel like it. That includes my romantic life. I'm single and I'm going to enjoy it. If WAW is going to fall for me again then she will...if not that's fine too. I don't much care about inducing these feelings from women. In worry about myself and that's it. They all can do what they want to do. If they want to hang out, great, if not then that's fine too. They always end up coming back to me anyway and that makes me proud. Let them keep chasing me. I have plenty of friends and ladies I can hang with whenever I want and I'm going to enjoy my life without worrying about trying to make a woman feel a certain way. They can feel however they want. Right now I do things that make me happy...and if hanging out with my exes, regardless of how they feel about me, regardless of whether it fit's the definition of a date, is something i enjoy...then I'm doing it. Just as I do things with my guy pals. I worry about maintaining my own happiness and YES...I can most definitely be happy with or without WAW. It's none we're reconnecting and all and who knows where it might lead...but that's the extent of my thought on it. Whatever happens will happen. In the end I will be happy no matter what I'm sure.

And me too

V

I don't know where all this fits within DB and I'm not an expert but I always believe and hear, being a woman, that for women emotional intimacy has to come before physical intimacy. It still seems to me that you're in the early stages of testing the water with one another and a friendship could pave the way back to a romantic relationship but I guess it all depends on what you want. If it's straight-to-dating or nothing then perhaps this approach won't work. If you're open to exploring and taking the next steps as you plan to see what unfolds then I don't see what's wrong with this approach but this comes from someone who has zero dating experience and a failed marriage so I apologize I don't have more wisdom to share. It does still seem wonderful having this chance to re-connect after divorce and to better understand what happened regardless.

The only caution here is a lot of WAW/WW say this. My W would say this in her wayward phase. She'd even say, "Or maybe just meet someone for dinner, but no sex."

Remember, obstinate spouses RARELY say the truth. That is why you believe nothing they say. In fact, a lot of times you can believe the exact opposite of what they say. If they say "I am not interested in dating", you can rest assured that that is what they are interested in. In fact, a fried of mine I confided in during my sitch, who was once a WW herself, told me that she had no doubt my W wanted to sleep with other guys. One time I asked her "do you want to sleep with other guys?" and her answer was "I don't know". Which is WW code for yes. This after she told me what I quoted above.

I will repeat what I've told others based on another anti-D writer's (not MWD) words: Your W doesn't need to move out to find herself or work on the MR, she wants to move out to be able to sleep with other people.

Oops, while everything I said above is true, I forgot I was commenting in ItHurts' thread! This really isn't relevant here since they are way past separation and D.

IH, I fully endorse pushing things ahead. No more standing scratching your head. Find out one way or the other. Don't settle for the FZ. Either you will be unfriended when she meets someone, or else someone you meet won't understand how you are so close to your XW.

No good can come from the FZ. Push it. Get an answer. Then you will know.

IH buddy,

I do follow along here, I just don't post too much. I see your sitch from a couple of different view points. That's also what I try and do with everyone here because I think it makes ME a more open-minded, and less judgy, person, which is a 180 I need.

I think the other posters' frustrations come from the perspective that 1. we are all rooting for you and WAW, however 2. they want to see you come from a position of more independence and confidence. They don't want to see you waiting on her, accommodating her, or just hanging around at her place. They want to see you living your fabulous independent life and then YOU get to be the one to decide if she is included in that. So I am not sure it matters as much if you do or don't go to her house, but more so they would like to see you take back some power in this relationship with her. Is that correct or fair to say? I do like the approach of you having a fun plan, inviting her, and then following through on that plan with or without her.

I do also hear (read) what you are saying. You cannot force this more than what it is. If a friendship comes of it, well then that may be all there is. And given your history, that may not survive once you two pair off with other people. So right now all you can do is carry on and be okay with the outcome, whatever that may be. You are in a place now where you are going to occasionally initiate the contact, which is something you have not done before. So that in itself is a 180. Am I correct?

I honestly agree with both of these positions. I also agree with artista that she may just not be in a place where she is wanting to R. On some level you both know that once you are in a R, you are all in. So there could be this subconscious fear that you could blow that chance too soon.

As I see it, you are fine and you can keep doing what you are doing. Try and not over analyze every detail and what her motives are. Just live your life. Chances are she does not even know herself what she really wants. She wants to know you and be around you. She enjoys your company and she keeps coming back. She also sees some changes that she likes. Understandably, she may have a lot of reservations about starting to date again. After all, if it doesn't work, that could be it and the friendship ends there and you both are left feeling like you blew it. She wants to be sure. And I think she cannot be sure she is ready until you spend more time together.

So keep doing what you are doing. Let her reach out and you reach out occasionally too. Make plans and include her. If she says no, think little of it. You can also say no when she invites you some of the time. This will unfold in time and I don't see any reason to rush it.

I see nothing wrong here. That's my take.

Blu