Here's the parts from my first thread I would love to hear some comments on:
Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
Made some progress tonight. WW texted me again late this afternoon asking if I was at the lake. Again, I asked why, WW says I dunno. I say Ok then, WW replies that she is having a hard time so I say "with what"? WW says don't worry i'll be fine. I say "ok have a good weekend". Then WW asks again if I'm at the lake, but asks something else so I only respond to the other question. WW asks again if I'm at the lake. I don't respond.
An hour later WW asks me to call. After 20 or 30 minutes I call WW. WW says she is upset and crying about not being at the lake. Her folks didn't end up going bc she didn't plus it'd be awkward with the lake neighbors explaining why I wasn't there. WW wants a "new life". WW says her parents are yelling at her. WW also says that this is "happening to her", whatever that means. That's probably her way of saying, "this isn't my fault" and cleaning her hands of her wrongdoings.
I wonder if I should be her shoulder to cry on. Sounds like getting the benefits of a husband without the necessary reciprocation. She says she "wishes she could change her life". I'm not sure why she can't. WW says she's unhappy with her life. OK crazy lady.
Eventually WW texted me saying thanks for talking and she was sorry to bother me. I just responded "you're welcome".
Obviously she still has the feels. We'll see if that translates into anything positive for the marriage.
Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
Yesterday morning WW texted me in the morning,just my name with "..." at the end. WW tells me she's sorry (I think she means for bothering me) and that she's having a hard time. I validate, but find that statement a little annoying.
Then WW tells me she is just so sad. I say I'm sorry to hear that, WW says oh well and I leave it at that.
What the hell is she doing? Why is she coming to me when she's sad? The lake was "our thing", so that and the holiday weekend plays a big role.
Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
I'm gonna type this out while it's fresh. WW woke me up at 11 PM and kept tickling me, then after several minutes got more physical, slapping my head and hitting me with the pillow. She wanted me to get out of the bed. Said I was playing a game and that I should be doing what she wants bc I created this marital mess. I told her it's not a game at all. She's saying that someone told me to do this. I told her several times that it's late and I need to go back to bed. Obviously she didn't care to keep crossing that boundary. She cried several times. Then we talked a little more.
Then I told her I need to go back to bed. She leaves the room the comes back in to get in another word bc she's mad about sleeping in the other bedroom. So I finally say the word affair, and she's offended, says she didn't do anything wrong. I told her she was lying to herself and that she wouldn't be hiding her car and trying to get me to coerce me and a friend into not saying anything about it.
She denies this, of course, and I told her she was being like my dad (who is a horrible person). She got mad when I told her she was being like my dad when she told me i have to answer her calls bc it's her family plan. She told me I was being controlling and selfish about the bed. She doesn't like the word affair at all and Backdoor admitted to it. At the end of the 2 hour convo she wants to know who all I have told about her affair. I tell her I don't feel comfortable telling her bc I don't trust her right now. She says that I'm playing a game by saying that, and that she's been open with me and telling me things. I tell her she's not being honest with me, (she didn't admit to the money she's hiding). I say there's still secrets and she assumed I meant the affair so I reminded her that's not what I'm talking about. She didn't tell me anything new, so I didn't know what she meant.
She cried several times and blamed me for everything, she brought me emailing and texting an ex 6 years ago again, I think to justify her actions. She accused me again of trying to "take everything". She told me that her mom told her sister that her mom thinks WW is very depressed. WW also accused me of recording her, which I wasn't. I think I need to draw the line on the physical contact and conversation times.
She also stated that she can't D right now bc of the house and car situation plus she has no paper income and no where to go.
Crazy night.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
What specifically is your question? If it is to try and make sense of all this the answer is YOU CAN'T! WAWs in general, and WWs in particular, are completely irrational and illogical creatures. If you try to make sense of their behavior rationally and logically you'll get no where.
Remember, she is on an emotional roller-coaster too. She might be sad one minute, excited to be divorced the next. Angry at you for no reason the next. Temperamental doesn't even approach the right description. And you said it yourself above: "crazy".
I've told this story before, when I snooped on my wife the last time (this was about 6 weeks after BD), she was using one of the dating apps she'd bought for a month (waiting for it to expire) to tell younger guys (15-20 years her junior) that she thought they were cute. When I brought it up, I said "These guys are almost young enough to be your son! Did you really want one of them to respond and want to get together?" Her answer was "I don't know what I am doing!"
Likely your wife doesn't even have an explanation for her feelings, they are simply what they are at that given moment. And it causes her to send mixed and confusing messages.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she was looking for comfort from me on Friday and Saturday, should I have declined? Or is it reinforcing our bond when she spills her guts to me? I am conflicted bc of her affair. Why should I be the shoulder to cry on? I have been alone through my pain.
When she was trying to "kick me out" of bed, she woke me up and tickled me for several minutes. Then I kind of tickled her back, but she wasn't too responsive to that. Then she escalated into more physical behavior and I had to tell her to stop. Then she went into fight mode. What the hell is she doing, thinking, feeling?
When she is being manipulative, do I "call her out" on that?
When she is asking who I've told about the affair, do I point out that she clearly thinks it is wrong? Why hide your car if you're doing nothing wrong?
When she goes all "you did this to me" to justify her affair, do I call her out? When she goes revisionist history on me, do I call her out?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You seem big on calling her out. Do you really think that will help you accomplish your goals? I'd avoid anything that you'd refer to as "calling her out".
Go back and read the detachment and validation threads. You need to listen. Acknowledge. Validate her feelings. But do not react or respond.
The bed thing was a tough one. I would have just defended myself (blocking her hands, or the hitting or kicking) until she got tired of it. If she moves on to more physical things, well you may need to threaten to call the police. Obviously you do not want to return in kind. Likely she was trying to provoke you to get you removed from the house because of domestic abuse. Do not take the bait.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wonder if I should be her shoulder to cry on. Sounds like getting the benefits of a husband without the necessary reciprocation. She says she "wishes she could change her life". I'm not sure why she can't. WW says she's unhappy with her life. OK crazy lady.
OK well first try to understand this is not REGRET she's pouring out. She is NOT expressing interest in recon. This is just her starting to realize her new life isn't full of unicorns flying through the air pooping Skittles like she thought it would be. She's feeling bad about what she has done, but she still feels JUSTIFIED. So try to keep that in mind. It's a good opportunity to validate like Steve said, but don't use it to try and get your foot back in the door.
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Eventually WW texted me saying thanks for talking and she was sorry to bother me. I just responded "you're welcome".
Perfect.
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Obviously she still has the feels. We'll see if that translates into anything positive for the marriage.
Nope. You misunderstood what was going on. See above.
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and that she's having a hard time. I validate, but find that statement a little annoying.
Validation isn't agreeing, it's just acknowledging her feelings. So you can find it "annoying" without it affecting your validation.
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What the hell is she doing? Why is she coming to me when she's sad?
Probably because you are LISTENING. That's what validation does, it gives the other person the feeling that you are a listener and that you understand and are sympathetic. Basically it's a sign that your DB'ing is WORKING. Instead of being frustrated about it look at it as a baby step and pat yourself on the back!
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I'm gonna type this out while it's fresh. WW woke me up at 11 PM and kept tickling me, then after several minutes got more physical, slapping my head and hitting me with the pillow. She wanted me to get out of the bed. Said I was playing a game and that I should be doing what she wants bc I created this marital mess. I told her it's not a game at all. She's saying that someone told me to do this. I told her several times that it's late and I need to go back to bed. Obviously she didn't care to keep crossing that boundary. She cried several times. Then we talked a little more.
Wow that sounds really passive/ aggressive. Does she have those tendencies?
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She told me I was being controlling and selfish about the bed. She doesn't like the word affair at all and Backdoor admitted to it. At the end of the 2 hour convo she wants to know who all I have told about her affair.
Two HOURS???? No bueno.
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I tell her I don't feel comfortable telling her bc I don't trust her right now. She says that I'm playing a game by saying that, and that she's been open with me and telling me things. I tell her she's not being honest with me, (she didn't admit to the money she's hiding). I say there's still secrets and she assumed I meant the affair so I reminded her that's not what I'm talking about. She didn't tell me anything new, so I didn't know what she meant.
So basically you abandoned your DB'ing and went off the rails. Well that's a big backslide to be sure. Time to get back on the horse. Remember- LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more. This isn't the time for you to share feelings and such.
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I think I need to draw the line on the physical contact and conversation times.
You seem big on calling her out. Do you really think that will help you accomplish your goals? I'd avoid anything that you'd refer to as "calling her out".
I'm an argumentative person by nature...I haven't been doing. But even though she's having the affair, just stay away from that?
I haven't seen a definitive guide on dealing with the WW, and I saw a post how you should not validate a WW like you would a WAW. So I'm confused there.
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Go back and read the detachment and validation threads. You need to listen. Acknowledge. Validate her feelings. But do not react or respond.
Ok, thanks.
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The bed thing was a tough one. I would have just defended myself (blocking her hands, or the hitting or kicking) until she got tired of it. If she moves on to more physical things, well you may need to threaten to call the police. Obviously you do not want to return in kind. Likely she was trying to provoke you to get you removed from the house because of domestic abuse. Do not take the bait.
Well at first it seemed playful and almost affectionate. I know I want to believe that too, so I'm careful to not believe it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
