Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I simply don't understand...

Because I am overwhelmed and I can't see the space clearly, plus in chapter 6 of DR, some of those criteria are present to start it.

I believe LRT is going to benefit me right now more than anything else. Let's hope I am right

Thank you for your thoughts - I do really appreciate them!

You can always change your mind. It's not like you vowed before hundreds of people to get a divorce.

Don't help do this if it isn't what you want. You aren't going to be able to make her feel comfortable by accomplishing tasks for her.

NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) to the max. You're afraid to rock the boat. Well she isn't. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy as soon as possible.

Your word was to be there for life, so was hers.

Your word on a lesser issue can change. I'd make a habit of taking time if you don't know how to respond rather than making a quick response you change later.

I agree with you on NGS and I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. It has helped me a bit. Thank you for your thoughts!

Here is today's events...

Our landlord called yesterday and mentioned our rent check hasn't made it to her yet. I asked the W and she said she mailed it on the 5th (ugh) and it usually makes it before the 7th. I told the landlord it was in the mail and the landlord told me she would only charge $100 in late fee if she gets the check today.

So I woke up early this AM, got ready, and went to take the check to the landlord. I said good bye and have a nice day as I passed her bedroom door. W had no idea what I was going to do. Dropped off the check with the landlord. Sent text to W asking her to please transfer the rent money due plus 100 for late fee to my account, as I had just taken care of the issue. I then went inside a sporting goods store to kill some time, and I left my phone in the car.

When I came back approximately 30 minutes later, I had 4 texts from her... and for the first time in our marriage, they were texts that felt like she was panicking. She sent OK then do i need to put a stop payment on it. About 15 minutes after I did not answer like I usually do, she resent the texts. Very out of character for her.

I told W the landlord and I agreed that we would give the check until monday evening to arrive. If it arrived by then, the landlord would simply tear up the late check. If it did not arrive before Monday, then we would put a stop pay on it. I then asked if we were late or close to being late on any other bills and she said no.

I got a text from my wife saying she was not regretting letting me back in the house and thinks "we can learn to communicate. It will be ok." She was getting her hair cut and preparing for work trip that starts tomorrow. I thanked her for telling me that, and that I agreed, but it was clear we need help in doing so. I tried not to read a lot of hope into that statement. Then, she asked if i needed anything from the store. I told her I was going to go get a steak and potato and grill them for dinner, and said if you want me to cook for you, please bring enough for two.
We exchanged a few emoji texts. Havent done that in weeks.

When she got home, i helped unload the bags. I asked if she wanted to talk about the "learning to communicate" comment and she said yes but wanted to take a nap first.

When she woke up she came outside and we had the best conversation we have had in years. I asked her to clairify the "learn to communicate" comment. She meant just between us, not going to counseling. That bummed me out but I did not let her know it.

We both admitted we needed to communicate more and talked about past situations we had never talked about. She told me she has plans to move into an apartment on 9/1/18. That stung me but I did not let her know that. She also said she still wants D, and that our lives took different directions. I agreed with her and told her they can always reconverge. I did not want the conversation to end but I could tell she was getting of it so I ended it by asking her to please keep an open mind. She replied "I am trying". I heard that message loud and clear... And when I pray tonight, I will thank God for that message.

She brought 2 steaks and 2 potatoes. She only wanted the potato and that is ok. I still cooked it for her. She made a salad. we made our plates. She went to her room. I ate in the living room.

A few hours passed and the landlord texted me the rent check arrived and she shredded it.

I went to update my W and asked if I could pray with her. I kneeled beside the bed and During my prayer I thanked God for the best conversation we had in years, and to watch over her travels this week, and to help us communicate better. Said amen, and told her good night.

Knowing she already has a place to move in on 9/1/18 is killing me. And now I know my clock is running. And I know we have a lot of work to do, but I sure feel like I have to make enough progress before 9/1, or I will get left behind.

And it is hard - trying to not put too much faith into her saying she is trying to keep an open mind... I am not going to contact her at all this week while she is out of town. If she initiates contact, I will be deliberate in not responding in a timely fashion as she is used to. I know that will help with distancing and communcation. But Lord help me... I need her to keep her mind open and i need to be careful from here on out.

I am currently in LRT. I read the DR book and originally was going to keep my efforts a secret. After talking to a friend who is a marriage therapist I decided to give W the book and ask her to read the first 65 pages. The book is written for both people and does an excellent job of laying out the realities and influences of divorce. I would like to know why sharing the book (if you are in LRT) is disastrous. I can see how getting caught hiding it might look bad, but the most she will discover is that you will stop pursuing and get a life which she will notice anyway. I would agree about keeping your forum activity private.

Because she is not thinking the same way you are, and no book is going to change her way of looking at things.
She is not the same person who you married right now.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

I like the way you handled the landlord issue. You acted to solve the problem and you didn't get emotional.

But the comment about your lives reconverging and asking to pray with your wife were very strong pursuit and exactly the sort of thing DB says you shouldn't do.

The praying thing is especially bad because it's as if you are trying to use God to help pursue her. No. Just no. Pray for her, but do it alone and without her knowing.

Rose I will respectfully disagree with you on the prayer. I feel that if she agreed -and if it was heartfelt prayers then I feel that although DBing says try to do things independent of each other-I feel this shows unification and allows them to put God before their R where He rightfully belongs. My 2cents.