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Coly my dear. I've been thinking about you and about posting for a wellness check. I'm glad that things are as well with you as they can be.

Big Canadian bear hug for you ((((Coly23))))

Job, West, AP! Great to hear from you all, thanks so mch for the visit.

Just to journal a bit then: I'm not going to lie but I have struggled these past few months. I feel very emotional most of the time. I feel like I am on autopilot, just going through the motions because I know if I stop I will spiral into a very dark place.

There are only a couple of people in RL and off course you lovely people who understand. I think most people look at me all smiles and lightness and think I'm over it but deep down my heart is still in pieces and retrieving these pieces is proving to be very difficult.

It's just so hard knowing that he is not interested one bit in even my wellfare. We are still married but in his life I don't exist or matter anymore. That's a bitter pill to swallow. I know it's up to me to make myself better but I think it's the feelings of failure and rejection that keep me stuck and I'm not sure how to move forward from that.

Thanks for listening... Xx

Coly,

We understand what you are going through. You are going to have ups and downs for a while. For now, you are a part of his so called "past" and his "present" means new people, new things, new adventures. He will return to visit his "past" from time to time, but it will be short visits. As we say around here, they expect us to be right where they left us. Coly, you are slowly moving forward. Take all the time you need to swim to the other side of the lake. You've been redecorating and purging some of his stuff. Be patient w/yourself...you are still mourning the loss of your marriage/relationship and there is no time limit on mourning.

Best wishes coly

Hi Coly

I don’t know your current situation but I understand the feelings you have described. It’s hard to believe that you were the most important person in someone’s life to find out that you no longer are. The overthinking about how & why it went wrong & what part you might have played in the breakdown. The mind can be cruel.

When I go on Whatapp, my H’s chat is so far down - it takes my breath away every time.

It’s a rollercoaster for us all who are in a similar situation to you. The downs are all consuming & it’s so hard to climb back up. Try to be gentle on yourself & not to look too far ahead; just make it through the awfulness of the present - I guess that’s when autopilot kicks in. Take comfort from the moments that you feel happy. Hopefully there will be more of those times.

It’s nearly 2 years since my H left. Most mornings I journal, tap, listen to podcasts or read motivational books just to get me out of bed & face the day before I go to work. For so long I believed my H would come back but when reality hit that he never would, it was like him leaving all over again.

As you say, so many people think you are over it - we put on such a great act.

Sadly there is no quick fix when you lose someone that you’ve loved & still love. I keep reading that the universe does things for our higher good. That people are here to teach us a lesson & when they’ve taught us all they can, they move on - It’s hard to believe it, but for me, I have to believe some good will finally come out of this nightmare.

This forum is a great place to share your thoughts with people who may understand a little of what you’re going through.

I’m sending you lots of love & hope that slowly you can find peace xx

Coly, my darlin, there are two ways to avoid struggling through the pain, heartache and rejection of being an LBS.

1. You can have an MLC and get crazy and angry and rewrite history.
2. You can get bitter and angry and focus on the bad parts of your history.

I don't know how to walk in the light except via faith. I don't think you have faith in your life, so it must be really hard and confusing to figure out what the heck to do with your broken heart.

Besides faith, I have found so much solace in silence, in not answering my H and not trying to justify myself or ask him anything or ask him for anything. I trust that if he ever wants to come back, he will initiate,ask, explain. I notice in your posts that you do a lot of engaging with him, a lot of asking, explaining, etc. You can feel all the things you feel, but try to zip the ol' lips! He can't listen to any of that, and I think you are going to feel less crazy if you stop trying. You won't get an answer on your timing anyway. Try to just listen to him without answering for a long while, see what happens to your own feelings when you do.

Don't worry about closing your heart. You are a light of a person either way so I don't think that your light can be snuffed out by anything.

Wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a hug!

C

You are so right

Most people have no idea

Which seems extra cruel at times

And pretending everything is okay gets exhausting

So do take care of yourself

You know the people who you trust

Please take them up on their willingness to listen and help

That is what kept me from those very dark places

Hugs

Job, Roist, Ruby100 (welcome!), Gerda and Gordie! Thank you all so much for your posts and for your encouragement I appreciate it so much.

Journaling: so a lot of my recent spiralling was because I was getting nearer to finding out whether I can stay in my house. The discount rate on the mortgage is coming to an end and I can only afford to stay in it if i apply for another discounted rate. However I need H's agreement as he is still on the mortgage and I was worried he would tell me I had to sell.

I have gone backwards and forwards on this and played all the scenarios over and over in my head. I thought of just not saying anything and going onto the variable rate which would be a huge increase on my monthly payments. I thought of meeting him for a coffee in order to discuss it but I really don't want to see him at the moment and I worried I would not be able to zip my lip (Gerda!). Then I found out I could renew online without any wet signatures and thought all my prayers were answered! I would just do it and not say anything to H because, let's face it, he doesn't give a **%%# what happens in my life anymore. So I began the renewal process online and then the guilt took over and the possible ramifications of agreeing to a new mortgage without my H's consent and whether this would be considered fraud!

I decided to send him a text last night all light and airy.

Coly: Hi H, how are you? Are you okay for me to apply for a new rate on the mortgage to start in November? I can do it online so there is no need for you to meet me to sign anything. I hope you are enjoying the summer!

H: Hiya. I'm okay thanks, hope you are too. What do the deals look like?

At this point I was ecstatic! He didn't say no straight away! He just wants to know the rates to make sure I got a good deal!!

Coly: The new interest rate is x% so not much more than what I am paying now. Currently it is x%.

H: what is the length of the fixed rate deal?

Spiral, spiral, spiral. He wants to know the length so he can tell me he can't commit to that length of time. He managed to lull me into a false sense of security and now he was going to pull me back down to earth. So I responded honestly:

Coly: They only do two years minimum.

H: That's okay with me, I'm happy for you to extend for two years. Xx

Coly: Cool. Xx

OMG! I am so happy I get to stay in the house for at least another two years and by then I will definitely be able to afford to take on the mortgage. Currently, though I am paying it on my own the mortgage company would not consider my earnings enough to have a mortgage of this size. I was so certain he would want his share of the money we could potentially make if we sold the house especially as he is currently in rented accommodation.

Interesting that he is happy to tie himself in for another two years. My mind boggles trying to know what is going on in his head!!

Happy Thursday everyone!!

Coly,

I am so glad you are able to remain in your home another 2 years. He didn't mind because you are the one paying the mortgage and yes, it's still a thread tying him to home, you and your daughter.

There is no rhyme or reason for what they do...but your h is a far nicer MLCer than most.

Enjoy your Friday and the weekend.

Coly, old friend here, new name. Hope you can figure out who it is.

I'm so happy that he came through for you. I am equally glad you checked with him. Despite the difference in Canadian law, it likely would have been an issue if you had simply charged forward. I have frequently resisted the urge to check my MLCer's credit report and earnings record for the same reason.

Job is right. You do have the nicest MLCer around. I have witnessed your struggle long enough though to know that this is not necessarily a good thing. Mine is as cold as they come and has said hateful things. That makes it easier for me to detach and to live as though I never want him back.

The niceness makes it hard, as does that fact that he shows up when you call him. Maybe some day, after you have your refi done, you will find another level of brave inside to just ask him, what's up H? What would you like to see happen here.

I know this stuff can be pressure, but it seems like a long time with no change for you guys. I think Westo's is somewhat similar. Seems he needed a little prodding. Of course you can't do that unless and until you are prepared for the fact that he might say he wants a divorce or to finalize things. Only you will know when that time comes and when you are prepared for what you might hear. I know for me, limbo was a killer.

Always wishing you the best. Hope D is well. Try not to let this stuff stress you out any more than necessary.