Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W rushing thru D, help

"I m worried that she will continue to distract herself and allow herself to truly miss our relationship and in 2 months we ll be divorced."

Why worry about that which you can't control. You can control exactly one person, you.

"At the end of meeting, I gave her a letter of release. She was really hesitant to accept it. I said that my only hope is you take the time to read it. It was basically, telling her how she enriched my life, took ownership of my contributions, had empathy for her and wished her the best in her life."

Okay this didn't help you one bit. You said: "I went into this meeting with the goal of staying calm, projecting confidence and being assertive." Then claimed you accomplished that. And then you threw it all away with a letter pouring your heart out?

Giving letters about "telling her how she enriched my life, took ownership of my contributions, had empathy for her and wished her the best in her life" is not detachment nor DBing in any way, shape nor form.

Have you ever heard the old mantra that our fear causes us to bring about the very thing we are afraid of? You are epitomizing that. You are acting out of fear and acting out of fear will get you D'd 99.9% of the time.

Did you read DB and DR? Have you read cadet's links? Have you learned sandi's rules? Cory09 I will give it to you straight. The only thing that will work is WHAT you do, not what you say or write. Words are meaningless. Your W doesn't care what you say or write. She doesn't really care what you do, but what you DO will have an impact, not words.

Please consult the board before writing letters and giving them to her. That is if you want to avoid D.

Hi Cory, it is escalating really fast. My sitch is similar, I think H is a speeding train crushing everyone in his path but yours is a burning freight train.What I have learnt in here is that time is the LBSs friend, the WAS is worried they may have a change in heart so they rush through this. While I am doing the same in my sitch, meeting a mediator so we have some open communication, I would not budge from what I know I want. The advice I received in here that is useful is that you do not do any work for the D, if your WW wants it she will have to do it all by herself. You can just say you are opposed to the D and while you will not stand in your path you will not be able to help her with it either. She can proceed by herself. You just drop the rope and wait and watch because you have a life outside of the MR

Im not even sure i would say "I'm opposed to the D". Just refuse to help out with it. Hard to ever get her thinking SHE might be the one getting dumped if you tell her "Im opposed to the D."

Just my 2 cents.

Yeah. I m thoroughly confused now. My DB coach said to open up communication and send the letter of release because of 2 reasons.
1. Lack of communication was the reason we are in this spot because my W couldn t communicate her issues so he wanted me to work on my listening and communicating skills to take down the angry wall, resentment that she had built up.
It seems to be working cuz she is much more open and caring.
2. The letter of release wasnt pouring my heart out it was showing empathy for her because she had a lot of built up shame and guilt over the affair.

The whole goal has been to get her to realize she would be a fool to leave the M.

Overall, I have done a good job of detachment and only communicate when she initiated it.
I feel like I m doing the right things of which I can control but in the end my W has to deal with her internal issues and want to come back.
I think that not helping with the D only prove that she was correct in leaving when I m trying to give her reason to return.
Right now it s baby steps, and I m trying to stay patient.
Any thoughts?

1) Always listen to your DB Coach
2) Read the disappearing posts thread at the top of the forum.

3 out of 4 of your posts have disappeared and have needed to be restored by me.

Cory, I agree with Cadet 100%. And I retract my response on the letter. I would never go against the coach, assuming it is a MWD endorsed coach.

Hi Cory, I just saw your post on my thread, so I'll read your story and get back with some thoughts. Thanks for asking.

Okay, so let me start by saying that if you are using a DB coach to guide you through this process, then you might feel confused by some of the advice concerning the wayward wife (WW). As of yet, MWD does not use that term in her books. She does identify the WW apart from the WAW. Therefore, her basic advice is given for all situations (I hope I said that correctly).

Whenever there is a WW involved, I do believe it takes a tougher love than may be interpetated or communicated in the book/coaching. This is MWD's board, and I am not trying to take it over or disrespect her in any way. I give this board a lot of credit for guiding me back into my M eleven years ago. I was the wayward wife, and I know that mindset and understand how they got to the wayward stage........which is strangely very similar to each other. They even say much of the same things, as if reading the same script. Anyway, I am here to pass forward any help I can be to newcomers. I especially focus on the H's who have a WW, since I have devoted a lot of time in learning more about this subject.

You are welcome to read my first thread that explains the WW. Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

BTW, what are the ages of you and your W? What about the ages of your kids?

Is your W the oldest child in her family? Do you know if she ever received any type of counseling for her abandonment issues? Her grandfather and aunt......were they her mother's father and sister?

Hi Sandi,

Thank-you for your response...I've read all of your threads and really respect your opionion..I'm 44 and wife is 34..We met 12 years ago and have been married for 9 years...Yes, my wife is the oldest, she was 5, S3, S1 and she has always been the motherly figure and she's always seemed to have people gravitate towards her that needed help/fixing in one way or another..YES, the Grandfather and Aunt were her mother's father and sister..She was always against counseling, her way to deal with things were to distract herself so to not deal with the emotions, much like she is doing now..."Nothing wrong unless I admit their's a problem" Even all that she's been through my therapist thinks she is very immature emotionally..
Yes, I've read your WW thread many times and it exemplifies her attitude and script to an almost exact replica..However, she has been in constant contact through text just about everyday except for 3 or 4 in the 5 weeks since the bomb drop..Temperature check??Discussing, various stuff like dogs, finances, settlement, etc and the only contact I initiated was to meet to open lines of communication to discuss her thoughts on D moving forward..Other than that I delay my response but am cordial and to the point...I feel as though since I've opened that communication, her walls have come down a bit to the point that I felt like I was really talking to my wife..I know in your thread to be very wary so I'm treading lightly and continue to work on my self by developing positive assertiveness, listening and communication skills.. My self reflection led me to believe that I was controlling things by being passive aggressive so that is something that I've set out to correct...Anyways, I've been acting as if I'm moving on in my life and GAL'ing with lots of new friends and activities...I still deeply love my wife and want nothing more than to make a better relationship than the one we had before and it is tough to be apart when we've shared so many amazing experiences...I do know that my only chance is to "Let her Go" and hope she realizes she'd be a fool to leave for the grass is greener situation...Anyways, this is extremely difficult and I'd appreciate any suggestions...I really feel like I'm heading in the right direction but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I have a huge hole in my chest and the PAIN isn't excruciating every second of the day but I know that victim role isn't going to attract her back..

Thanks again for your input, sorry about the long novels:-)

That sounds pretty amazing to me! I know you are experiencing a lot of pain, and I am really sorry. I have devoted the past eleven years to help newcomers by sharing what I have learned about WW cases during these past years.

I don't want to sound as if I am trying to play psychologist. I get a sense of a little girl trying to be the mother that she and her siblings did not have. When she gets M, she tries to have the picture perfect marriage/home she envisions a family should have. At some point, she felt resentment about something, and she may have tried to talk about it but it wasn't resolved......or maybe she didn't talk about and just push it down in her heart. Resentment breeds more resentment. Then feelings of disrespect follow, and that's when the attraction and "in love" feelings begin to die out. She probably tried to cover up by faking the perfect picture MR to family & friends........but eventually, the rebellion takes over. That's when she becomes another person. Who knows.......she may have thought infidelity was her destiny.......meaning, it was in her blood to cheat. I don't believe in that type of thing, just to clarify, but just describing a possible mental hang up with her relatives history and her struggles of not feeling in love with her H. See what I am saying? When her picture perfect M felt too fake, she gave up and gave in to what she thought was destined. Of course, this is pure speculation on my part.

Actually, I feel your M stands a big chance of reconciliation. You will hear a four letter word often.......t.i.m.e. It takes a lot of time for her to work through her issues.

Keep doing what seems to work. Continue to work hard on your passive-aggressive behavior, and your nice-guy controlling conversations. . Read all you can find about NGS and how it affects intimate relationships.

Letting her go, removes all your emotional pressure from her. It frees her. She may feel free enough to talk and break down the wall a brick at a time, IDK. I suspect she has deep resentment that goes beyond her R with you, which adds to the complication. But all you can do is fix yourself. As much as you love her, you can't fix her.

Finding the man you were meant to be, should bring positive results in your life. It may even draw your W back. She fell in love with you once, so it could happen again. Currently you are very vulnerable. She is too. Emotions can be dangerous, so be on high alert. Let wisdom guide, instead of emotions.