Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I simply don't understand...

Thank you Rose, I appreciate it. I am going to drown myself in a part time job also. I do ok during the day. It's at night when I feel the pain because I hope she snaps out of this and sees we were both at fault for not communicating and being depressed, and it is something that can be fixed.

I haven't had time to reply to everyone's posts and I will.

This situation just came up.

As I mentioned, I racked up some credit card debt and so did she. So in order to get it paid down quick, I applied for and got a consolidation loan. I had told her I was going to do this last week, part because i need to do it, and part to show her I was serious about fixing the financial stress I caused. She asked if I would pay her back for her 401k loan she took years ago when we bought the house we lost. At that time, I said yes, even though that cut me to the core because I lost some of my 401k too...

And to sell our house, because it was heading to foreclosure, we had to borrow 5K from her parents. She has only paid them 100 back. Again, in an effort to get her to see I am trying, I told her I would try to pay her parents back with this loan.

So the lender was supposed to deposit the loan in MY checking account. Instead they deposited it in hers. She just told me she transferred it to my account.

I am a man of my word, I promise. But the way she has treated me this past few weeks makes me wonder if it even matters I use part of this loan to repay her and her parents right now, or wait until later.

What do you folks suggest? I don't want to play games with her, but since the BD, she has been so mean... so cold hearted, so uncaring about anything to do with me.

Do I use my loan to pay her and her parents back now, or do I wait until the divorce is filed?

Thank you DavidE. I moved out because we were renting from one of her friends. The only thing I want thats in that house is her and our other dog. She can keep/sell/trash everything left. I have everything I need with me here.

Thank you Steve85. I will read your your sitch as soon as i can. I appreciate your support and hope I can return the same.

I am going to go ahead and pay 1/2 of the $5K we borrowed to her parents. Not going to do anything else at this point with the loan money.

So here is where I am now...

My last day at the extended stay hotel was last night but they would have let me stay one more night. The apartment that was available to me would be ready tomorrow (Friday). I was going to sign a six month lease, plus pet deposits/rent. So i get back to the hotel and do the math.

I know the issues she is dealing with are 1A me and 1B our finances, coupled with the MLC and I suspect not enough HRT from her hysterectomy in Feb. Plus I did blow up her affair and I tend to believe she has not had much contact with him since then.

So, when I saw the math for me to live in an apt, and compared that monthly cost to the bills I know about, I broke no contact and told her we needed to have a face to face about our finances and my apartment. She agreed.

We met and I had several spreadsheets showing bills, the consolidation loan i took out, and how various scenarios played out. It was probably the best conversation we had in weeks. She agreed to let me back in the house. And she still wanted the divorce. So I told her as a token of good faith, I would fill out the papers for her (we are not contesting anything thats worth lawyers being involved) and told her she could take the filing fee out of my account. I filled out the papers last night... not sure if she took the money or not.

So at least i am back in the house... here is where I need some feedback please.

Just a few texts all day - and they all seemed good spirited and included some lol's. She told me she was in meetings all day and could not update her bills spreadsheets, and I told her I was in no hurry (I am) and would wait for her to get some time.

It was bulk pickup day, so I got as much out of the garage and to the curb so she could park her car in the garage. I did not do this for thanks or any other reason - I had a broke arm and could not do it previously. So I got enough done for her to get into the garage.

When she got home, she did not park in the garage. I did not hear her come in, but i heard her shut her bedroom door. So i got up and saw it was shut and asked if she was ok. She said yes. When she opened the door after changing clothes, I told her I did not want her feeling uncomfortable, and if I needed to close my door I would. She didnt say anything. I told her to have a good night and left.

I needed something from my car and thats when I found out she did not park in the garage. I got what i needed, came back in, asked for her car keys, pulled her car into the garage, gave her keys back, and told her have a good night again.

She made no promises last night. She told me to imagine her feelings were in a bucket... that she gave and gave and her bucket is empty for me. I told her I understand why she feels that way, and I want to try to refill that bucket. She knows that I will not stop trying until the ink is dry. And last night, I could tell she was processing what I was saying about how we never even tried to fix this with counseling.

So, not sure what to think, what to do. One of our problems in the past was we come home from work and are exhausted and would lay in bed. I've decided that before I get in bed, I will go for a walk. I have not asked her to walk with me for a few weeks since the answer was always no, but it made me want to tell her just get dressed. we dont have to talk. We just have to walk.

Any thoughts/suggestions?

Looks like she fell asleep around 9. I woke up at midnight to let our dogs out and I could see she was on her phone.

I am sure some of you will say I am pursuing/pushing by what I did next, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time ti try and establish a boundary for myself (she refuses to discuss them).

I walked in and laid down on my side of the bed and told her that if that she was just going to avoid me and treat me like she did when she came home, I might as well go ahead and move out. During the talk 2 nights ago, I told her things were already uncomfortable enough, and while my intent was to save us alot of money, I felt like she was trying to avoid me by sneaking in the house, and if that was how she was going to act everytime she came home, I might as well move back out.


I told her when the BD, I would have taken 90% of the blame for our marriage dying, but as I laid there in that bed with her, and after the past few weeks, it was only 60%. I asked her if she even considered doing anything in the letter I gave her on Monday and she said "what is the point?" I told her the point was she originally said we could, and 2 weeks later she won't... she wanted me to be a friend and now she doesn't... and she was so far ahead of me in checking out of this thing, and we both have unresolved issues that need to be discussed or else we are just going to repeat the same thing with our next relationships (ie NOT TALKING). You wanted me to be a friend and now you don't - the only thing that has changed is I appear to be doing better in getting my life under control (finding extra jobs to pay debt I incurred (8k), getting back in shape, and going to counseling for myself.

I asked her if I invited her for my evening walk last night, would she have came with me and her response was I dont know. I told her in her heart the answer was no, so that was the answer (trying to show her I can stand up for myself).

I am really really considering just going ahead and moving out, incurring those costs, and just take care of my debt, so when it comes time to decide, I can show what I did to address what I created and how hard I worked while being separated from her... but that doesnt save my marriage - she had mentioned she wants to break the lease on this house (and I do too, but not going to) in August instead of November. Breaking the lease is really not going to help either one of us when it comes time for getting a new house, which is one of my goals next 1-2 years.

One thing I forgot to mention - I asked if her counselor had asked to talk to me, or if not, if I could talk to her counselor. She said her counselor had not asked to talk to me, and remained silent if I could talk to her counselor.

Personally, I think the only counseling she has been to was with me, to my counselor, and of course he stepped on her toes, and shes probably mad.

Hornsfa, welcome here. The good news is you have found the right place. The Usual Suspects have clued you in and it would be wise to listen. Read the book. Read the links.

During DB we all make mistakes. It happens. Just get back to doing the right stuff.

That said, in your last few posts I read several things that constitute pursuing. Don't do it. Learn what it is and don't. This is important and even though it is instinctual it will only drive her away. Don't ask her about IC. don't ask her about anything personal.

You will find that your sitch is not that different from ours. Many of these women freak at 50. Mine did.

Your feelings will change with time. Your instincts will most likely be wrong. Read and post and trust the people on here to tell you what works.

You asked for thoughts.

A lot of pursuit.

Way too little patience.

Some things that come across as controlling. No, you shouldn't tell her she has to go on a walk with you. You shouldn't tell her you know what the answer in her heart is.

Have you read Divorce Remedy?