Well W is off on another trip sometime today. No idea her flight info, don't care either. Desperate attempt to escape reality. Good luck with that. Should allow me to have several days of non-drama with D at the marital house so that's a positive.
On a side question...post divorce as even 3 months in, this seems inevitable. What are folks thoughts on dating someone who still resides in the marital home they had with their EW? Is that a for sure deal breaker for some, not a big deal given the realities of divorce? I likely could keep the marital home, BUT my worry becomes in the future if I were to want to date, would that creep out any perspective new ladies. The catch is that my D knows the residence as HER house so again the dilemma and question. I know I'm long ways from this, but I am trying to get some clarity on my stance should what seems inevitable come to pass.
Nope not at all.
Depends if the guy is free to be with me and not mooning after his ex.
And for 18 months it's dating.
Anyway if you were dating someone living in their FHM would it bother you? It might if it was a shrine to the ex.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Missing her, love her...so hard to accept she is gone. Struggling terribly thinking she is on her trip having fun, meeting new men, sleeping with new men? while I and my D stay here. D said to me I wish Mommy lived at my house, I said me too sweetheart, me too...
How can the woman I love, married be so cruel and cold now. Why does it seem SO MANY women just take off when a marriage becomes hard work as everyone tells them it will be?
Ballast, society is reaching a point more and more where everything is about instant gratification and the easy way out. And the further and further the scale tips to that side, the more people without integrity there will be in the world. Just be happy that you're still one of the good ones with integrity, even though she has decided not to be. Don't get me wrong, I still have the same thoughts about my W, and she's a real piece of work right now. But I do sleep easier at night knowing I did the right thing and there's nothing I can do to stop her from doing the wrong thing...
Keep your head up and ejoy your time with your D. Take her out and do something you never thought you'd do with her. Make some memories. I'm thinking about going to get my nails done with my D9. She's stuck living with me and her brothers with no female influence. I struggle with finding "girly" things to do with her because I'm completely ignorant when it comes to that stuff. But I do know she would love it if I went and got a mani/pedi with her, and it's something she'll probably always remember. Go watch some princess movies with her tonight and make heart shaped pancakes for breakfast. Let your W drink too much and wake up alone with a headache...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
You're falling victim to catastrophic thinking. This leads to thinking in terms of absolutes like "never" and "always". You're also desperate for a resolution -- like everyone you hate being in limbo so in the absence of being able to see a path to reconcile, your brain is desperate to conclude "well it is permanently over now!"
You don't necessarily need to *do* anything about this other than realize that its happening and appreciate the impact its having on your thinking and your mood. You still feel very out of control.
Worrying about dating while still living in your marital home is borrowing trouble from the future. That's not a decision you need to make any time soon, and to answer your question it doesn't matter at all. What matters is if you keep "relics" from your prior marriage all over the house and refuse to take them down -- that would freak someone out, but you could do the same thing in a new house and it would freak someone out equally as much.
A house or apartment is just wood, drywall and paint. A home is what you make it. Things have the importance that you attach to them, but they don't have any without the context that you bring.
I live in our former marital house -- when W left I redecorated it and made it mine. Its never been an issue in terms of dating at all and the kids like the continuity of having their bedrooms and home persist through everything else changing.
Forget any concerns about dating and new people for now, that will take care of itself when its time, and its nothing to worry about. There are hundreds if not thousands of wonderful people out there to meet and date.
For now, focus on you and working through your feelings. Your statements of loving and missing W are deep expressions of loss. Process that, feel all of it. Really, there's no place to hide from it so you have to go through and come out the other side. There is another side, however, and when you get there I promise you'll be fine.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Acc as always I really do appreciate your counsel. The only reason I asked about the marital home/dating was for the FUTURE. Given the current status with my W the question of whether or not I will try to keep the house is THE major decision before me and so I was curious if remaining in a marital home might freak out dates only AFTER D was completed and I was ready to date again.
As you say at this time I see ZERO path to reconcile. W has only once in 3 months said anything about her feelings on the topic of us. She is a very stubborn woman who's mind I believe will never change. So you are 100% right that my brain has concluded it's for sure over, while my heart hopes that it isn't. The limbo yes has been terrible for me. I feel like since she's not talking to me she must have OM already and I'm just like a caged animal waiting to be executed once W can do so.
This is my 2nd marriage and best as I can see will be 2nd D. It's hard not to feel myself the common denominator. How/why I've been nothing but a failure at M when so many others seem to do just fine baffles me. I'm just not sure I even want to see the other side again. It seems to me women no longer truly commit as in prior generations for better or worse.
Just don't know what to say/think anymore. I've detached from her, leaving her be, seems like all that's done is convince her the R is over, we should file for D and move on. I sit here and think maybe what I'm doing is all wrong, maybe if I emailed/texted her how I've been feeling we could at least begin to talk. Maybe date, start over, etc. But I don't send her anything nor act on it. So I just live my life and wait til she pulls the trigger and sets me free to the other side as you say. I'm probably melodramatic with lots of what I just wrote, but I just see no hope what I most want (R with my W in a new MR) has any kind of path no matter what I do. Let the 2x4 beatings commence!
We arrive here around the same time. My WAS gave me the BD 4/6, so not that long after yours. I also havent seen a lick of improvement, nor will I for the next two months as I am leaving town.
But this is early. Look around here at the people who have been doing this for a year or two, or even 4. I am not saying to wait that long, but I think both of us need to be patient. This process [censored] and I feel all the impatience that you do, to be out of this one way or another and fully healed. But healing ourselves and letting our Ws heal themselves takes time and patience.
The other thing I notice in your message is that it is nearly all about her. What are you doing? How is your GAL going? Are you making progress with your IC? You say that you are detached but nearly everything is about her. What are you doing to break the patterns you have seen in both marriages?
I get the hopelessness. I was there on Sunday. That is part of the process, but dont make any decisions based on emotion.
Hang in there man!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide while my wife has never said she wants to D, she is in countdown to one year so she can file. We have had text/email during that time but none have been regarding our MR in quite some time. Main point is I do not thing I will get more than a year before she files and we are done. For her to not want to talk at all or work with me to try and save our M boggles my mind. I could not at least try before filing for D. The regret, guilt would drive me crazy especially as we have a young D.
Understand that I post a lot to use this as a vent with friends to listen. I have been in the gym since day one, I have been going out with friends, spending time with my folks and hoping to plan a trip by myself here shortly. Oh and of course spending as much time as I can with my D. So I feel my GAL is going well. Heck my W thinks I am dating when I am definitely not.
Not many patterns between the two. I will say I was a sports watching guy and so I do blame myself for not spending more relax time with W but we took many great vacations together and I was far from a sports junkie. My IC says I could not have foreseen the impact our D would have on my W. Trust me I want to blame this whole thing on me being a crappy husband but nobody buys it. W left, will not talk and best I know may only be relying on herself for support.
Trust me if only my W would not make huge rash decisions based on emotions.
