It's early in this phase of the relationship... Don't think of it as a continuance of your M... Think of it as brand new... You are just getting to know someone... Enjoy it... Enjoy the mystery of it all... When you get married, all that new stuff in relationships will never be again... But in your case, you have an opportunity for all that giddy stuff with your ex-W... Be in the moment...
Well LH I feel like putting a move on her too soon would ruin any chance of R. At that point she' know I want her and usually that's the end of it. Plus a free posters here also said they felt making a move would be a bad idea. Maybe it's time for me to just try something with her and whatever happens happens. Well Steve back when we first got together she came up to me and asked me if I found her attractive at all. I said yes and she said well why don't you ever pay any attention to me? Then we started hanging out and then eventually became a couple. She always said she did that because it bothered her how all these other guys were hitting on her and I never did. I should add we were aqaintances though a mutual friend back then...so we weren't total strangers but I didn't really talk to her. Once she came up to me that night though we obviously got closer. So that's how we first got together. She also was the intitiator for our first sexual encounter back then too. So that's how we got together.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
[quote=artista]It's early in this phase of the relationship... Don't think of it as a continuance of your M... Think of it as brand new... You are just getting to know someone... Enjoy it... Enjoy the mystery of it all... When you get married, all that new stuff in relationships will never be again... But in your case, you have an opportunity for all that giddy stuff with your ex-W... Be in the moment... [/quoted] So your opinion is I should just stay the current course then Arista? Just keep things as they are and see what develops?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
She also was the intitiator for our first sexual encounter back then too. So that's how we got together.
So you put her on a pedestal, drop everything and run over to her when she calls even though she broke your heart and ended it with you. You admit she knows you want her. Yet you want her to make the first move??????
I'm in your camp ItHurts. I would play by the 80% rule and give back 80% of the time, energy, and emotion that XW gives. If she escalates you can give back more, but still 80% of the new level.
If you had no history and it was a girl you'd just met I'd agree with LH. For a woman that filed D and left the state years ago I would absolutely not take the lead, nor would I fall for the trap of getting hooked on the emotional attention she's offering until she was more direct about what beat she's dancing to.
There is no harm in the current situation. If she suddenly backs off that just means she is too flighty to have a relationship with anyway after all she's done in the past. And if she wants to be with ItHurts she'll make sure he knows when she's ready. After all they've been through if she wants him she's not going to disappear and wonder why he didn't get more assertive. They've got too much history for her to let it go over a stupid game. But the ball is definitely in her court. Frankly she'd need to prove to me that she'd changed as a person and was capable of a committed relationship before things got too serious anyway.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
No, no LH...that was way back in the beginning 20 years ago. No, right now I don't think she has any idea. As far as she knows now I want to be single for awhile. She has no idea that I am hoping we can R at some point. And no, how can you say I put her on a pedestal? That's ridiculous. I don't EVER text her first, I don't set up meetings with her at all (she does that,) I don't shower her with compliments or tell her how great she is I'm sorry but there's no way in any way I put her on any pedastal. She seeks me out each and every time there's contact. So maybe I'm missing what you're saying here but how, in any way, can it be said I am putting her on a pedestal when the only interactions I ever have with her are those that are totally and completely initiated in full by her?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I'm in your camp ItHurts. I would play by the 80% rule and give back 80% of the time, energy, and emotion that XW gives. If she escalates you can give back more, but still 80% of the new level.
If you had no history and it was a girl you'd just met I'd agree with LH. For a woman that filed D and left the state years ago I would absolutely not take the lead, nor would I fall for the trap of getting hooked on the emotional attention she's offering until she was more direct about what beat she's dancing to.
There is no harm in the current situation. If she suddenly backs off that just means she is too flighty to have a relationship with anyway after all she's done in the past. And if she wants to be with ItHurts she'll make sure he knows when she's ready. After all they've been through if she wants him she's not going to disappear and wonder why he didn't get more assertive. They've got too much history for her to let it go over a stupid game. But the ball is definitely in her court. Frankly she'd need to prove to me that she'd changed as a person and was capable of a committed relationship before things got too serious anyway.
Yes Zues once again you nailed it. I know her well enough to know that if and when the time comes and she wants me...I will know. Also absolutely true is what you said about LH...if this was a new girl then yes I like would have made a move awhile back. In this case doing anything like that seems to premature to me ror the exact reasons you stated.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
ItHurts, just remember you are different people. There are so many women in my past that I found out years later were wanting me to ask them out, or kiss them, or make a first move. I was always the passive "Nice Guy", and missed out on many opportunities at potentially something special do that passivity. All of the girls I dated always were the aggressor. Including my W.
One of the 180s I need to consider is to be more assertive, even in my current MR. Once we seem to be on more solid footing, I need to step up and be the initiator of intimacy. And saying "Can we have sex?" is not what I am talking about.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And no, how can you say I put her on a pedestal? That's ridiculous. I don't EVER text her first, I don't set up meetings with her at all (she does that,) I don't shower her with compliments or tell her how great she is I'm sorry but there's no way in any way I put her on any pedastal.
Below are your words from a previous post.
Never in a million years would I have seen this day be a reality...except in dreams. Yet here I am, slowly reconnecting with WAW.
It's pretty obvious to me at this point she is pursuing...and that's hard for my forever-skeptic mind to wrap my head around...like I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me.
Well yes but just because I am hoping for R, which is really all those words of mine mean in essence; does not mean idolize her. Those words of mine simply mean I am happy to at least have a chance now. Before when she was in Florida I had no chance. I don't perceive those words to mean I am putting her on a pedestal...those words simply mean that something I was hoping for has happened...I am at least able to communicate with WAW in person now.
Yes Steve that makes sense and when the time comes where I feel it's time to make a move I certainly will. But as Arista said previously...take it as it comes for now...it's the early stages of this new relationship with WAW.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
