Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

Gerda - I saw your post on DNJ's thread. It piqued my interest because I read her book in the early days of researching MLC. Her h showed the classic signs of MLC, she seemed to implement DB practices (but without maybe knowing of this strategy). And in a matter of months, 3 or 4, her h returns and they reconcile.

It left me scratching my head. At the time I wanted to believe this nightmare could end so fast. But logically I knew anyone who went as far off the deep end as her h did, could not possibly snap back in 3 months.

Now years later, it appears her h bombed her again and they are divorcing. So I suppose it all was a touch-n-go for him.

Anyway, thanks for posting because I always wondered about her situation.

Hope all is well.

HaWho, sometimes I wonder if we are different versions of the same person since our situations were so similar -- and apparently we had the EXACT SAME THOUGHT PROCESS about Munson. A friend told me about that blog post and I was heartbroken about her H redivorcing her but I was also not surprised at all. I had had the EXACT SAME headscratching when I read the review of her book and watched a couple of interviews. I also was thinking she was out of her mind to put that kind of pressure on her H of having such a fast turn-around and then telling the entire world about it and making a career out of it. I can't even ask my H to take out the garbage and she wanted him to be okay with the NY Times knowing he was back?! I think she shoulda asked Job and Cadet first! : ) I found it pretty depressing how her M played out but I really did like that post about how to keep her house and keep living life. I also liked the way she wrote about the agony of having to have her kids stay with her XH overnights. That is still a huge fear of mine though my H shows no signs of leaving at the moment. I have never spent a night apart from my kids (except a couple of sleepovers and summer camp for a week) and I dread that aspect of D more than any other.

Please hit "quick quote" to see what I just wrote, waiting for some kind support from my forum friends!

I had a revelation while sitting here trying to work. I realized that my terror is that I would have to leave my home and wander around with my kids. So I am sitting here telling myself, "You don't have to leave this summer, you don't have to leave this summer," and it gives me some strength to stand up to my H if he gives me a hard time. I am living in this insanity for so long that I get confused by his seemingly calm and normal e-mail about leaving and begin to think that I am obligated to do that to "help" our family. But I don't have to leave. I can leave if I want, but I don't have to. Someone here posted to me recently that it would pragmatic to try to get him the money he needs to get him to leave for a while. So that is what I am hoping to do.

Thinking of all of you believing in me and understanding the truth is very helpful to me, thank you to you all. I wish we could all meet for a big virtual barbecue.

Click "quick quote" to see what I wrote please!

RESTORED POSTING

More on the exchange. This is a classic MLC moment -- dude has totally given up all responsibility and left me to clean up the mess and pay for all our debts, all our kids, everything alone with no help in any way, and now says that for some "mysterious" reason he feels child like and dependent! He made a covenant marriage, made some children and made huge debts but now wants "someone" to get him out of actually paying for either! I hand him a list of all expenses and income and he can't deal with even looking at it but blames me for keeping him in a child like dependency! He demands money to go away but can't come up with how much, only that he wants a place "just like our (cabin) home" that isn't our home! Welcome to MLC!

From: H

Thanks for the numbers. I'd rather not discuss them or discuss how I feel and think about their organization, place and purpose without a knowing-professional mediator. I am still trying to convince my Green Path person to come out of his leave of absence to meet with us, to guide us, to train us how to most efficiently-painlessly channel both gains and losses. (He already told me he'd immediately strike deals with all our CC creditors and with our bank loaners in ways that would lower monthly costs drastically.) In any case, the prospect of taking up money questions with you has for nearly two decades — and for reasons mysterious — inspired in me a such a feeling a fear and self-defeat and also child-like dependency that I can only take up money questions with a disinterested clear-headed observer professional. He usually charges 100-200 dollars. Hopefully he'll comes. I am crossing my fingers. He's gentle, smart, practical and effective.

Gerda wrote:

I just need to know the amount you need for the August plan you mentioned. You had a good idea for you to undertake that trip.

H wrote:

I am looking on trustedhousesitters bcs I'd like to remain in one place but if I can't find a place I'd like to pay for another bucolic place like our cabin.

RESTORED POSTING:

Today's low point -- Just got another note from my H. When he is asking for something horrible (get out of our house so he can have money) in this really calm and seemingly clear way (and using my intimate nickname!), I feel like my blood is turned to battery acid and that I will die from the panic. Note the implication that my dad supports me -- my dad does help but I am earning okay money and trying to pay for all our debts and all our kids needs with it. Our cabin is also a biz, we rent to pay its mortgage, but it would be better to have him there than here I guess. I did prepare the spreadsheet you all recommended, so I am going to send it to him with the e-mail I am posting below. But I am shaking like a leaf.

H wrote:

Gerds,

I just found out that the X job ends for me Aug 3 and (adjunct job) doesn't begin till September. I'd like to seriously work hard to rent the apartment, both to earn some money to live on and to be able to go some place peaceful for the month to finish my dissertation. I know you've been hankering to do that to rent and leave for a month and since August (since (our old biz I sold and am in court for) is no longer and since my parents don't support me) constitutes for me the summit of financial crisis and profound stress, we should be seasonally earning the necessary money from (our house) to alleviate what is for me a difficult (and very avoidable) situation. Let me know what you think. -H

Attached is the info you asked about.

What $ amount do you need to accomplish your goals for August and September? I will try to rent around shorter summer trips I hope to take, once I know the dates, to provide the money you require without forcing me and the kid to leave when we are not able to. I have work and Leos has summer school and hopefully a transfer to a private school, among other things. Let me know the $ amount you need and if you are hoping to use the cabin for any of the trip or will be going elsewhere.

- GP

Gerda,

Please try to refrain from using contractions. It appears that may be the problem with your postings. Use can not, do not, you are, etc. for a while and see if that will help. Special characters are hanging up in the system and creating blank postings. Please take note of your posting to DnJ...you didn't use special characters and your posting appeared just fine.

Also, I think you can fix your own postings if you hit quick quote and remove the quote marks at the beginning and ending of your posting. Please try the quick quote and then hit submit the next time a posting disappears and see if that will work for you.

I will try to restore your postings when I can, but I am not here 24/7 and usually pop in a couple of times a day.