Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My DB story.

I checked my Google Doc. Everything I posted is here. I am still writing the rest...

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Great story Eric, I look forward to hearing the rest!



Here's one of the unfortunate truths about these forums- once people turn the corner to "success" they almost always quit posting. I think that most people want to turn that page, close that chapter and leave it behind, they don't want to revisit it. Sometimes we hear from people who reconciled, but not until years later like in Eric's case. And sometimes people who didn't reconcile will pop back in with an update about their awesome new life. I've seen a lot of people over the years come back and say they are HAPPY they were BD'd and ended up D'd because they ended up meeting someone that fills up their lives in ways they never imagined before.

And that is what happened to me. I loved my W and had every intention of living out my entire life with her. BD turned everything upside down, it was an alteration to my reality that I could not wrap my mind around. It was confusing, painful, didn't make sense, rocked me to the core, made me question everything from my religious beliefs to my personal hygiene. It took about two years for me to well and truly drop the rope and come out the other side. And who was there waiting for me but this beautiful, sweet, sexy young lady that shares nearly all my interests. She loves to go for motorcycle rides, go hiking, go to haunted houses, go to theme parks, go to movies, ALL things my ex would rather have gone to get a root canal than enjoy with me. And the sex is just crazy, over the top, mind-bending stuff that exceeds what used to be my wildest fantasies. And 3 years later we are more in love than ever. My current relationship makes me question why I was so all-in with my ex, I had somehow settled for a mediocre relationship. When it comes down to it, if any of us had great marriages we never would have ended up here because a truly great marriage is a two-way relationship. If your spouse didn't like the M then chances are good that you didn't either, it just so happens that she was the one to BD first.

Anyway I don't want to turn Eric's thread into my story, but the point is Eric's recon is a fantastic success story, but my story with no recon is a great success story as well. If you DB right you will be a success story NO MATTER WHAT.

AGREED

I was 100% wrong there. You guys are spot-on with your comments. What I wrote was definitely based on a misguided view of the DB process.

As someone once said, "Trust the Process"

Hi Eric, Please post rest of the story, we all need to read more of these. I absolutely agree success is measured by how each of us evolves as an individual, our minds have the amazing capability to process and accept any harsh realities eventually. The original aim of every poster here though is to save the current MR, the veterans support us through the healing process irrespective of the fact if the MR can be saved or not. Your story can act as a proven concept of what did work and what did not work like Steve points out. For most of us it is a symbiotic approach here, but in your case although you are out of your own hell, you are taking time to revisit the dark times and advice the rest of us who are still facing the demons. It takes a kind heart to do that, thank you.

Sorry about the delay.

The months after our move are a blur now, but I will try to summarize what I remember into buckets of stuff that worked and stuff that did not.

Starting with the bad. I was obsessive. I checked her emails a few times. THAT DID NOT WORK! Definitely the worst idea i had. I guess the rationale for that was that I was trying to understand what went wrong. And how to fix things. All this accomplished was to make me torture myself more: because of what I read, and because of the fact I read someone elses email.

Another thing mistake I made numerous times was demanding that she behaved in certain way. It did not matter how small the demand was, and how reasonable I thought (and still think) it was. I was not in a position to demand anything. It took time, but I eventually taught myself not to demand anything, even if it related to our daughter.

Something she did to alleviate the palpable pressure at home was to invite her mother to visit (she asked me first). It really helped to have another person. She probably did not know about the affair, but she definitely knew we had problems. It was too obvious. She made a point that she would poke my eyes out if I left my wife (how ironic), but other than that, she behaved accordingly (not that i paid too much attention). Most importantly she kept my wife company.

Another not so good idea that I had was discussing our situation with a few of my friends. I do not think it did any damage (in my case) but it got me in a quite embarrassing situation. I eventually talked to a friend of mine about this, and she took it very defensively, as if saying I do not want to be a part of this. I then realized that she was primarily my wifes friend, not mine .

Detaching and not reading into stuff she did and said was harder and took a while. It is very difficult to keep it up. One day it seems that you have made it, the next day things change a little and you fall in the same trap. I see a lot of people have the same problems. All I can say from my experience is that it takes time. A bit of pep talk does not hurt either. I gradually i trained myself to a state where I could buick block out almost anything.

One thing that helped me a lot was to figure out the big picture for myself. What am i doing here? I realized eventually that if I look at it from a neutral point of view, the worst case scenario would be that I would live with my daughter a few more months or a year more before divorce, custody etc. battles. Once I managed to put things in the perspective of I am living with my daughter for as long as possible, the rest is secondary that made everything else easier.

I realize that everyone has different situation. They may be facing leaving spouses, money and health issues etc. It is really important to get a big picture idea of who you want to be and where you want to be with or without a spouse. Once you have in mind the 2-3 most important things in your life it is easier to block everything else out.

There are always considerations that distract you from that. Some are minor, some are no so minor. It may be the lifestyle you will lose or need to forgo, it may be friends that you may lose etc. One thing for me was the fact that nobody in my family has divorces, with the exception of one of my uncles. It bothered me a lot that I would be pretty much the first to get divorced. After a while I got used to the idea and stopped paying attention to it.

Among the things that helped, I would put getting physically active first. It may not be the most important, but it gave the most immediate effect. I had troubles sleeping for a while, and would regularly wake up at 4 am unable to sleep. I would go outside and run for a while. It was a great relief. I started playing tennis and worked on improving. When not playing, I constantly watched instructional videos, read blogs etc. It was a great distraction.

Another thing I managed to do right, albeit much more slowly, was to fix my work situation. I was working 2-3 part-time jobs. I eventually quit two of them to focus on looking for a more serious and better paid job. That caused some friction, because my wife complained that I was not making enough money etc. It did not help much that I did most of the house work (in a genuine case of gender role stereotypes reversal).

Finding a job that made money comparable to my wifes salary immediately put things on a different perspective. I had more confidence. I had more independence. I had more respect. Most importantly, I had more opportunities to GAL.

I will send another post to talk about that soon.

YES and read this

Sh*t! I've given up drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, orgies, foul language, candy and sweets, soft drinks, weird sexual fantasies, masturbation and picking lent from my navel, and now you're telling me I have to avoid apostrophes? I'm going to have to take a hard-line stance on not giving up apostrophes. Maybe.

Doodler,

OMG. ROTFL. Man that was awesome.