That is actually what I considered asking Sage to play devil's advocate with me today about, but realized I couldn't really ask that of her.
Other options to moving home?
Or other options to suicide?
It's 1pm here and I'm heading out for the day (doctor's appt, etc). I won't be back on line until tomorrow AM...just in case you're wondering where I've gone.
I would be delighted to help you come up with some options for your life moving forward, Pam. I think that the posts that you re-posted from kml and me and ?? are great places to start.
But...if it's the latter ... I'm not qualified in any way...other than to help you perhaps see some other potential outcomes.
Sage
PS Critical homework assignment...WHAT is UP with your medication going forward? You are talking about going off of Zoloft? We NEED to come up with a solution to that, Pam.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well...you can figure out a "worst case" budget, right?
You may not know what the settlement details are...what do you think is the worst case (don't post the details here!). what would that mean economically for you? where would you live? etc.
How about some contingency PLANS?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Brace yourself, cause I'm not sure I know how to wield this thing correctly.
A) Suicide is a failure.
B) Given the choice between moving back home or suicide, move back home.
C) Since you are still experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to get to the Doctor ASAP.
D) You might need your dosage adjusted but there is absolutely no way you are ready to stop taking Zoloft.
E) At the level of medication you are taking, I seriously doubt that St. John's Wort would have much of an impact on you.
F) Until you stop considering suicide an option, you will remain stuck. You need to accept that suicide is not an option and get moving on the path of life.
G) Suicide is a stupid fantasy that solves nothing. It's a coward's way out. My own attempt has left me with a shame that I will carry the rest of my life. PLEASE do not make the same mistake I did.
Sorry, it was this one. That is why I didn't ask. It wasn't in a depressed way it was more of a philosophical debate. Reasons against versus reasons for. I hope that made a little bit of sense.
I would be delighted to help you come up with some options for your life moving forward, Pam. I think that the posts that you re-posted from kml and me and ?? are great places to start.
I just feel there are no dreams left, nothing I want to do or will be capable of doing. This is going to sound wimpy and I'm not down right now. But like I have lived my life and there is nothing left that I want to do. Nothing to look forward too.
I believe I will sit down and write a list of things I appreciate. It might really help me out here.
But...if it's the latter ... I'm not qualified in any way...other than to help you perhaps see some other potential outcomes.
That was the plan.
PS Critical homework assignment...WHAT is UP with your medication going forward? You are talking about going off of Zoloft? We NEED to come up with a solution to that, Pam.
I am not sure how much medication I have left, but I cannot reorder from CHL's insurance till the end of May it said and I probably won't still be on his insurance at the end of May.
My thought is once I get through the divorce to talk to doctor about stepping the medication down gradually.
Quote: Well...you can figure out a "worst case" budget, right?
I really am not good at budges. But I need to do this, I agree.
You may not know what the settlement details are...what do you think is the worst case (don't post the details here!). what would that mean economically for you? where would you live? Etc.
I will try to give this some serious thought this weekend at times when I am NOT down, but pretty level. I think better at those times.
How about some contingency PLANS?
Sage
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Brace yourself, cause I'm not sure I know how to wield this thing correctly.
PIB,
I love you! Thank you for the laugh!
A) Suicide is a failure.
I realize that, but I also feel I have already failed. When I am thinking that way it is just the wrapping up of my failed life.
B) Given the choice between moving back home or suicide, move back home.
I really do not want to ask my parents to go to all the trouble of getting a house sit for me at their farm. I wish I could explain how I feel about that clearly.
C) Since you are still experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to get to the Doctor ASAP.
They weren't wild crazy kind of thoughts, it was rather calm and a lot of thought into organizing things. But there was no solution to the final step. So I take that to mean subconsciously I don't want that to be the path I take.
D) You might need your dosage adjusted but there is absolutely no way you are ready to stop taking Zoloft.
I agree, but I really am more of a problem with like if I am in a relationship. Since I won't be doing anything but mostly working. It shouldn't be a problem as long as I can ease off of them without problems.
E) At the level of medication you are taking, I seriously doubt that St. John's Wort would have much of an impact on you.
I was afraid of that. Did you try St John's Wort?
F) Until you stop considering suicide an option, you will remain stuck. You need to accept that suicide is not an option and get moving on the path of life.
I am moving, there just is no destination.
G) Suicide is a stupid fantasy that solves nothing. It's a coward's way out. My own attempt has left me with a shame that I will carry the rest of my life. PLEASE do not make the same mistake I did.
Actually I consider myself too big of a coward to take that final step. So I don't believe you can be a coward and go that route.
Thank you for caring PIB. That isn't where I am at finally. I am trying to find some options for living.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I wanted to be sure you were clear on that isn't where I am at now.
I had some pretty dark days this week. Went home and sobbed, my shelties were all over me. Shimmer kept licking the tears off of my face.
I realized this morning as they were all five cuddled up in bed with me touching me in some spot, (btw: you CAN'T move when this happens), that they truly love me and they would be losing their daddy and their mommy if I did something like that, and yeah I may have made arrangements for them, but that breaks up the family.
I have two full sisters, a half sister and 2 sons of one of the sisters. So they are truly a family.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
A quick answer and will try to go more in depth later.
I can't seriously figure out how to commit suicide.
I believe thinking about it is a part of the black/white thinking I do.
I wade through it and I come back up.
I realize it isn't something I am capable of doing. But the thoughts aren't pleasant and I like it when I get past that point.
That was why thinking of asking Sage to do the devil's advocate and do the logical thinking for me. I decided that is something I needed to do for myself and not something I could ask her to do.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
So I take that to mean subconsciously I don't want that to be the path I take. 
Did you try St John's Wort?