This guy is able to make her feel sexy and wanted. Tell her the minds of things I used to be able to. How can I possibly compete?
Your M is not a competition! The OM isn't the real problem. Your W is wayward, and the only reason she's under the same roof is b/c it suits her.
Your WW has been lying to you. She set up the terms for this "arrangement" in your house, and she is cheating while she gets the benefits of being legally M to you. The cheater doesn't get to set terms for the offended spouse.
Throw away Love Dare. It won't work with a wayward wife. This situation will require tough love.......not pursuing stuff like Love Dare.
You'd be wise to never forget that all cheaters lie, and just b/c you chose to believe her, did not change the reality.
Don't start "compromising" with waywardness. You can't choose this time to get mushy and try to prove how much you love the cheater. You have to stand tall, be firm on your principles and values, and get tough on disrespect. if you want to attract her, show her you will take none of her b.s.
Do NOT repeat anything you read on the board to your WW......unless we are giving you an example how to state something. Don't share the tools you are given. Don't show her the book, links, or any of it.
You can't fix her, so don't try. You can't nice her back. You can't talk your way into reconciliation. If want to know what you can do.......keep coming back and posting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The worst thing I did was go to our best friends and got them involved. I thought my wife was in a dark place, and everything I read was that I couldn't confront her. I needed someone to talk to her and let her open up.
Looking back -- OBVIOUSLY this was a very bad decision. But I was an absolute disaster. My world had been turned upside down and my head was a mess.
She was very upset that I told our friends. She said I took her best friends away from her. I don't blame her for being upset. However, those friends have not judged and have always said they are here for us no matter what. Unfortunately, my wife wants nothing to do with them. Whether it's shame or something else, it doesn't matter at this point.
well, how dare you go to friends for support... after all, she has only betrayed you with another man... Wayward Spouses never cease to amaze me... you wife has gone out and done the most hurtful thing she could do to you and your family, and yet has the gall to turn the tables on you, making you believe that what you've done, turn to friends for support, is far worse... AND YOU FALL FOR IT... you are now groveling, begging her for forgiveness for how short-sighted you were... you took friends away from her? please... she has taken so much more away from you... don't you see it?
she is talking to the OM, and you should not focus on being her friend... you need to focus on you... are you up for doing the hard work on yourself? it will pay dividends if you are, and if you follow through...
you haven't posted much, and it's been quite a few days... what are you up to now? please share on a consistent basis...
My wayward wife and I are still living under the same roof, but sleeping in different beds. We're getting along well, but she seems more distant lately.
Currently, we're supposed to be "trying" to work on our relationship together. That means she isn't supposed to be contacting the other man, she is considering going to therapy, and we're actively reading the Love Date (but she's not necessarily practicing it).
However, her distance along with some shady behavior have me nervous as hell.
Last night we talked about some ideas for what to do with our tax refund. I asked for her ideas --- paying down extra on the credit card. And I offered my ideas -- fixing window shades in our house and a nice night out together. She said she would think about it. Not exactly a rousing endorsement, nor what someone does when they should be "trying" with the relationship.
I'm not sure what to do in this state of our relationship. Since we're "trying", I feel like I should demonstrate what I want to be as a partner, but so much of that goes against the "tough love" I've read about in Sandi's rules.
Do I maybe just keep doing what I've been doing? Provide service while I can and demonstrate my positive changes as much as I'm allowed? Or do I pull back somehow?
[quote]Your WW has been lying to you. She set up the terms for this "arrangement" in your house, and she is cheating while she gets the benefits of being legally M to you. The cheater doesn't get to set terms for the offended spouse.
See, this is the tough part. I don't have ANY evidence that she is still talking to him. Just suspicion. If I confront without any evidence, I look paranoid ... especially if I'm wrong.
She has said for so long throughout this that I kept focusing on the other man and not fixing us. If I fixate on him again, ESPECIALLY if I'm wrong, then this whole thing falls apart more.
My problem is that I just don't KNOW exactly what's going on.
She may be really trying right now, but pulling back a little because of something I recently did. (I made a huge mistake and was asking my oldest daughter, a six year old, if mommy was talking on her "other phone"... my daughter told my wife and my wife was pretty upset for getting my kids involved. She's right. I shouldn't have and I was wrong to do it. I was just fearful.)
OR there is something going on and she's holding out until she saves enough money to move out.
My wayward wife and I are still living under the same roof, but sleeping in different beds. We're getting along well, but she seems more distant lately.
She's doing that to prepare you for separation. She thinks if she's cold and distant that eventually you'll get on board with S too. DO NOT pursue her. Give her as much time and space as you reasonably can while under the same roof.
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Currently, we're supposed to be "trying" to work on our relationship together. That means she isn't supposed to be contacting the other man, she is considering going to therapy, and we're actively reading the Love Date (but she's not necessarily practicing it).
Translation- you are trying and she is not.
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However, her distance along with some shady behavior have me nervous as hell.
It should, because she is two feet out the door. You've got a long road ahead, you're just getting started.
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And I offered my ideas -- fixing window shades in our house and a nice night out together.
You need to quit all pursuit. No dates, no long talks, no phone calls, no texting. Don't be cold or rude, but treat her like a neighbor, not a love interest. I know your mind is telling you that it's the right thing to do, but it's not. It is PRESSURE and right now she wants zero pressure.
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Do I maybe just keep doing what I've been doing? Provide service while I can and demonstrate my positive changes as much as I'm allowed? Or do I pull back somehow?
Pull back. Are you familiar with the pursuit/ distance dynamic? There is a lot of info out there, but in a nutshell- you pursue, she distances. You distance, she pursues. It's complicated in a WAS scenario because WAS's will not pursue so much as temp check, but the point being the more you pursue the more she retreats behind her walls. The harder you pursue the faster she runs.
Pull back. Are you familiar with the pursuit/ distance dynamic? There is a lot of info out there, but in a nutshell- you pursue, she distances. You distance, she pursues. It's complicated in a WAS scenario because WAS's will not pursue so much as temp check, but the point being the more you pursue the more she retreats behind her walls. The harder you pursue the faster she runs.
I'm not. But this just seems so backwards to me. I feel like if I start pulling away it will come across more like I've reverted to my old behavior --- bad communicator, disinterest in her. That's what drove her away in the first place.
Just read a little more re: pursuer/distance dynamic.
It should be noted that I do avoid "relationship" talk, unless we are reading and discussing The Love Dare -- which is about every 3-4 days. And that's only for 5-10 mins.
Otherwise, I focus on being a positive person in her presence. Having fun with the kids. Doing my jobs around the house. Giving her space.
I'm not. But this just seems so backwards to me. I feel like if I start pulling away it will come across more like I've reverted to my old behavior --- bad communicator, disinterest in her. That's what drove her away in the first place.
State18,
In the links that Cadet sent you, near the bottom of that post, there's a Pursuit and Distancing link that provides a good overview.
It feels very counter-intuitive, and it's nearly impossible to do well until it's too late. But, consider what your wife is doing; she's distancing herself and you're pursuing. It really works doesn't it?
It feels very counter-intuitive, and it's nearly impossible to do well until it's too late. But, consider what your wife is doing; she's distancing herself and you're pursuing. It really works doesn't it?
Just read it. I think I'm doing MOSTLY a good job of staying away of talking about the relationship and seeking validation (finally).
The tough part now is this:
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Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it. An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
Again, this is where I fell short for so long. And now I'm stepping up and doing it. I feel like cutting it off again would send a message that I'm not improving myself anymore.
In my opinion the important thing is not that your wife thinks she's lost you, she needs to KNOW that she's lost you. That doesn't mean that you stop doing housework; the housework has to be done. What it does mean is that your actions and attitude tell her that you're ready to move on and you'll be just fine without her. In other words, you have a life and you're going to live it to the fullest and you don't need her in order to do that.
