My behavior stems from insecurity and immaturity, lack of understanding of what real love looks like. My own parents divorce and emotional abuse to eachother and to me. I handle my emotions dysfunctionally, even though my coping mechanisms and my own discipline have led me from literal poverty to some career and professional success.
Then I think you start here. How can you have a successful relationship with your W or any other woman with all of this going on?
I think the rest of it isnt that important if you arent working on these things.
I don't plan to change what she perceives as controlling nature or coercive behavior. She's leaving because she thought I was controlling. Letting her go basically proves thats a lie.
One thing I think I should tell you. After BD1, I was a WAW and very abused in every way possible. I reacted by becoming 'screaming banshee'. This is reactive abuse, and I sought help for it, was deeply ashamed of it. Not good.
This reaction was from fear not anger with a tiny FOO issue which I resolved asap. This was a truly horrible part of my life.
However the abuse arises in you, and I get it, I truly do. In order to shift it then you have to own it.
It's a [censored] sandwich that's homemade, but walking to the pain and digging deep for a long time is the only thing that will resolve it. Then after full on atoning, yes that is another [censored] sandwich if your other half is a complete numpty and you don't want to, then you can forgive yourself.
First you own it and don't blame.
That is my experience and why I am giving you 4x4 as you get one good go at this after that it's uphill.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Texts daily about taxes and legal docs and registering my daughter for school. I should just stop altogether communicating, it doesn't feel good. I am being nice, whatever.
One thing I think I should tell you. After BD1, I was a WAW and very abused in every way possible. I reacted by becoming 'screaming banshee'. This is reactive abuse, and I sought help for it, was deeply ashamed of it. Not good.
This reaction was from fear not anger with a tiny FOO issue which I resolved asap. This was a truly horrible part of my life.
However the abuse arises in you, and I get it, I truly do. In order to shift it then you have to own it.
It's a [censored] sandwich that's homemade, but walking to the pain and digging deep for a long time is the only thing that will resolve it. Then after full on atoning, yes that is another [censored] sandwich if your other half is a complete numpty and you don't want to, then you can forgive yourself.
First you own it and don't blame.
That is my experience and why I am giving you 4x4 as you get one good go at this after that it's uphill.
V
It's fine. I get it. You are hurting and it comes out. I endure the same from my stbxw. I don't blame her. I see it too. I had my issues and I certainly own it and never deflected. I just didn't change enough. It's almost as if the little change undermines the larger expectation.
I am sorry for any abuse. But it's certainly a two way street.
While I have forgiven, I still don't like it. Probably never will.
OM and the EA makes it easier. Friends at work and their validation certainly pave a more clear path.
What can I do but live my best life and love her as I always have and probably always will.
She can step on it and talk about my emotional abuse and my controlling needy ways or my validation seeking.
If I didn't love you, I am not sure I would share that side of myself. That is the double edge sword of love and vulnerability.
You can't escape the bad and only have the good. With enough time everything ends I guess.
Sidenote...ran into her old friend. She told me she was not surprised. Apparently shes been telling her friends she hates me for the last 5 years. I was pretty blown away by that.
Basically, I am thinking this is long gone and over.
