I think most of this post by Sage on her thread hits me. I need to keep reading it and reminding myself of these points.
Quote: Read a book called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Here are some notes from it:
* Your fears are all about losing control. If you want to stay in control, stay in the present instead of projecting into the future.
* Did I want to spend the rest of my life like this, blaming others for my pain, blaming past situations for my anxiety?
* Recognize the past is the past. You are in control of your present and your future. the past affects you only if you let it.
* Responsibility means the ability to respond in a situation with control and calmness. It turns out that taking responsibility, as difficult as it is initially, is the only road to peace.
* Admit you are a negative thinker. Accept your negative thinking as a bad habit that needs to be broken. Get really good at tracking your negative thoughts. Replace your negative thoughts with compassionate self-talk.
* You are what you think you are and it's all about your attitude. If you think you aren't happy, you won't be. If you think you can't be successful, you won't be. If you think you're not attractive, you won't be. If you think you can't achieve what you want in your life and you say "what about where I come from?" then my answer is "so, what about where you come from"? do you want to blame your life on your past or do you want to use it aas a motivator? Will you use your childhood as a prison wall to hld you back or as rungs of a ladder that will take you to the top of your potential?
* Begin to dream again. Be specific. Give yourself a timeline. Make a plan of action. Take action.
* Your belief system must change. You must be willing to take a risk.
*If you don't make a conscious effort to stop the analysis you'll overload your brain and feel overwhelmed. Trying to figure everything out makes it all seem complicated, confusing and it produces a tremendous amount of anxiety. Consequently, the old behavior seems easier and getting started or taking risks seems too difficult. this is a subconcious way of resisting. Try releasing this type of resistance by giving yourself a time limit. Tell yourself "All right, I'm going to analyze this for two minutes and then I'm going to stop." the mental discipline is essential to stop the pattern. At first, it may be difficult, but it works.
*Assess each stressful situation against the following options:
Eliminate -- Can you eliminate the source of stress (usually no)
Modify -- can you modifiy the source of stress (usually no)
Underreact -- Can you underreact to the situation (usually YES!)
* Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.
Sage
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am still getting lots out of these posts and want to keep them current for me to find them easier!
Pam - maybe it's time to start dreaming a whole new life for yourself? I know this may sound terrible, but - what would you do if your H was dead? How would you go about creating a new life for yourself? What adventures would you go on? Where would you move to? What countries would you visit?
I know your H has laid a lot of the blame at your doorstep for the failure of your R. I really don't hear him acknowledging how his affair was wrong, or how his ambivalent behavior towards you would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Yes, you have issues to work on - mood swings and dependency issues - but I am telling you right now, YOU DESERVE BETTER. And the sooner you get out into the world and make a new life for yourself, the sooner you will realize that too.
Take your money, start researching parts of the country that have low housing-costs to wage ratios, find one that you like, and MOVE. Get a new job, start a business, find a roommate. Buy an apartment in Florida or a house in Phoenix. Live!
You don't have to live this drama any longer.
Okay, don't know quite what got into me today - but I just can't stand to see you waiting around on him any longer.
Ellie
1. You creating a plan for YOUR life -- figuring out your dream, etc. She suggested that one way to approach this was thinking "what would I do if CHL were um, dead". You may recall that I suggested this exact exercise about 6 months ago in an email to you. WHY? Because it unburdens your dreaming from the emotion of "he left me".
I still feel that YOU constructing a plan for YOUR life is a good thing.
2. Dropping the rope re. CHL.
This is fundamental DB'ing Pam and you know that. I feel that you still get caught up in reacting to your perceptions of what you THINK CHL is thinking, feeling, etc. Ceasing to base your reactions on CHL and your interpretation of him is a GOOD thing.
Sage
Yes, I admit it, I'm an optimist. I see a lot of hope for you and CHL even though it's so close to the D. You are making great strides and changes and he's responding to it. What was his "ulterior motive" for offering to pick up the prescription? What if it's because he's showing his love for you in a baby step because you've been understanding him lately.... don't underestimate the power of that! Maybe he's just a nice guy (which I think he is)! Maybe it's a combination of those things...
I WANT EVERYONE HERE TO START FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES because I think we're really starting to get caught up in some negative things and that just causes all of us to spiral downward.
Pam, I like how you used to list the positives in your thread - 3 positives a day. Start doing that again? Let's make it more specific though and make it 3 positives about your communication with CHL. If you don't have any communication with CHL that day, go ahead and list other things.
-------------------- -Calystra
Pam,
what you know now is what you knew before but you are learning that you can't be run by your emotions.
In glancing over my old threads I see that I was very much led by my emotions...even justified my emotions. Thing I realize now is that though our emotions may be justified, using them as justification for our actions is not.
LL
Something KML said here once really stuck with me. It was something about how feelings are important and valid, but feelings are often temporary, mutable things and NOT always based on reality.
I think for many of us, making assumptions has been a big problem. So if we make assumptions (faulty ones) and have feelings due to those assumptions, we are poisoning our inner world. If we act on those feelings, we are often poisoning our R's. This is real basic stuff, but for me it took a lot of work to change those mental "bad habits", and probably will take upkeep for life!
Talitsa
I finally decided that despite what everyone else thought I was going to make up my own mind. Didn't matter that my h couldn't stand me, avoided me, etc....I was going to stay m. I was going to keep db'ing, changing the things my h hated about me, give myself credit for who I am, feel comfortable with the changes I was making for me and if I messed up in front of h, well I apologized and moved on to keep changing.
Just think if one of you was totally solid about what they wanted...wouldn't the other feed off your stability? Wouldn't the other floundering fish find purchase in your stance? Repeatedly in my sitch it looked hopeless but I held on to my belief that the m was IT. I let h flounder...I stood firm.
Make up your mind to m or d, forget the deadline, and stand firm! Don't read into his actions, don't voice your assumptions to him, don't second guess him or yourself (like when you kept asking if he was ok with picking up your stuff...ask once and let go also with you apologizing repeatedly...don't say it once and let go), if he half-heartedly hugs you well don't read into that either but be grateful he has concern for you.
I think you dwell too much on what he's thinking...how can you know? Why waste energy trying to figure it out? And if you think you know, half the time you are wrong so why bother? Start right now cutting behavior that is causing you turmoil...when you feel yourself start say STOP then think something else...fight hard! I'm saying this too because time and time again I've had to do this and it has worked for me, and my h.
You don't have to grovel to him by repeatedly apologizing...does D do that? Treat him courtesly but also respect yourself.
I know lots of advice is coming at you but remember as long as you can't decide what to do you'll be tossed back and forth like a wave in the ocean. Decide then let no one sway you!
Let your actions show what you have decided. To me you act as though you want to stay married so then do it. If thinking about the d is causing you turmoil then don't act like the d is an option. Do what you believe!!!! Last minute miracles are God's speciality!!!! You can doubt your power to change this but you can't doubt His! He ordained m and though d has free will...not many can fight God and win!
Cindy
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
oh well I'm back on my feet today!!! 
