There will be times you are angry, sad, upset... whatever. That's the way it goes. There isn't any "right" way to feel. God knows, I was angry at my W for putting me through this plenty of times. It's all normal, and healthy.
There will be a lot of times you are taking two steps forward and one step backward. Don't beat yourself up over it. I think it was 25yrsmlc who reminded me that "it's not a linear process."
Good for you for making definite goals.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Mybest, I shared some of my experience which is probably about as close to yours as you'll find on this forum. In my case my husband is / was having an affair but no one should accuse your husband of the same without any certainty. My guess, based on my knowledge of how Middle Eastern men think, is that your husband is facing a combination of push / pull factors. There are things in your relationship with him that are pushing him away, that he doesn't know how to fix because he may not know how to communicate effectively, and then there are things that are pulling him away such as the idea of freedom, the ability to do whatever he wants in his own space, and possibly to date other women. He may not be actively having an affair, but he may be considering it. There are many possibilities but that would be my guess. Since you and your husband are still together, and still closely bonded, I'm not surprised that he is ambivalent about leaving. If there is any other woman out there, your husband would be torn at this time over whether she'd be worth pursuing or whether he should stay with you. Those are just guesses...it sounds like your intuition is telling you there's no affair.
If you don't wish to check secretly to see what's happening you'll be better off in the sense that you'll spare yourself the pain of knowing if your husband is up-to-no-good if he turns out to be guilty. You will preserve your love for him more easily by considering him to be loyal and faithful, which he may be. On the other hand, your husband would probably never tell you if he's having an affair. You mentioned an affair would be a deal breaker. I guess there's no deal to break if you don't know about it, so you're protecting yourself and the marriage in a way.
Deciding how much information you need about your spouse's individual actions is a personal decision for sure. Almost everyone encouraged me to check on what my husband was doing and I'm glad I did. I didn't make a habit of it, but I felt better in a way knowing it wasn't just me being a bad wife, and I felt worse in another way knowing my husband isn't the great, perfect guy I thought he was. It's very, very difficult knowing your husband is with another woman. I personally don't believe married people should have secrets, or prevent each other from accessing each other's accounts. My husband and I used to share all our passwords and everything before his affair. If you believe differently then no one can blame you for that. It just means you risk being misled, but I think over time you will start to know if your husband has a full-fledged affair. He'll likely start to ignore you much more, distance himself much more, act more wreckless, and if it's a real-life affair (not online) then he'll likely try to look better when he goes out. There are signs even when you don't investigate. If you don't see any signs, not even one, over the coming months then hopefully your husband isn't having an affair.
Hopefully your husband is just confused and frustrated and thinks the space will help. If your husband lived his whole life in the Middle East and then came here to marry you there's probably a lot of inner turmoil in his mind. His identity, way of life, and everything have changed. If you were supporting him financially there may be some resentment because that's a big shame in Middle Eastern culture for a man to live from his wife's salary.
Perhaps at the moment the best would be if your husband decides not to move out. Then you can keep working on yourself and he'll be around to witness your changes. Maybe the marriage can be fixed without a separation. That would be great!
If your husband does move out, hopefully he'll quickly see what he's missing and return. When my husband left for his first six month separation (the amount of time he requested) he was back within eight weeks.
Thankfully you and your husband are still early in the process of separating. You found this site, are practicing divorce busting techniques, and are motivated to work on yourself. If your husband is still showing affection then you two are in much better shape than many here. There is a lot you can do to improve the chances of a positive outcome. I hope this will be a temporary hurdle for you and your husband.
I've decided that for now, DBing isn't the best choice for me (Staci's rules in particular).
After a few days, my husband asked "what are these new techniques you are using?" I denied it... but he said that it was weird, that it made him not want to try, that it felt like I was giving up on him, that it was awkward... and that I should just be myself.
He told me that the wording he prefers to use is a "break" instead of a "separation." He's still moving out on Friday, but we are planning to hang out every Saturday, at least one dinner during the week, and probably other times as possible for walking the dog together, etc. He says that things have gone great the past few weeks and he feels much better about us... but isn't sure how much of that is because he is looking forward to the break. He has thought about not leaving many times over the past few days but doesn't want us to be in the same place in six months and needs the space for clarity.
So. We say "I love you" all the time to each other. We both initiate hugs. I even gave him advice with furniture for his new place and went shopping with him (though mainly so he doesn't waste money for when we do move back in together). Those are huge no-no's with the DB community. I still "pursue" (though not as much).
We've communicated about all kinds of things (no-nos!) -- and we feel better about it. He's said things like "we needed to have conversations earlier in our marriage about how we feel loved, how to show love, what makes us feel unloved." He is more open to things like learning about love languages. He says he will try not just MC but IC as well as long as we can find him the right person.
He has realized that if he expresses frustration with something, rather than it causing massive drama and a big fight or me freaking out and making him feel bad by crying... that it actually can lead to productive changes. He sees me responding to him, encouraging him to share, encouraging him to be honest. He sees me validating his emotions and catering to his love language.
The big issue is still sexual in nature (he said the other day that if it weren't for that, he'd be convinced we could stay together). I'm not sure how we can fix that.
So -- I am taking what works for DBing for us right now (validation; detachment; 180s). I am leaving some of the others for the time being (Staci's rules) because it didn't work for us when I tried and seemed to push him away. It's a journey. If needed in the future, I'll come back and try them more. But right now, I'm going with intuition and experimentation.
That all being said, I'm not pursuing as intently. I'm telling him I think the separation is unnecessary and not the best plan but am respecting that he feels like it is needed. But I have toned down my pursuing. I just haven't left it in as extreme of a way as I was trying when I first found this site. <3
Good luck mybest! I sincerely hope it works out. Navigating this is just bananas for everyone and I hope you find a path that is comfortable and true to you.
