Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBS, just reading the forums has been helpful

So... I had IC today and brought the whole essence of the board and the conversation around an A up with her.

My therapist was incredibly supportive of most of the things on this board I described: detachment, Staci's rules, not pursuing, 180s, etc. She said that she had seen me working towards this on my own over the last few weeks, but that this is all really positive and important.

We talked through the A issue. I am not saying that it is impossible for him to be having an A or EA. It's possible. But I don't know. He won't tell me if he is. I don't have any evidence, and I don't like who I am if I snoop.

So, I am choosing to believe him. My goal is for us to get back together or stay together. If I have to choose between not trusting him because it "sounds like it might be happening" and being wrong... or choosing to trust him but proceeding with caution? I'd prefer the latter. Maybe it's naive. Who knows.

I also feel like if he had an A, it would make things vastly different. I'd be much more likely to not feel the burning to reconcile but likely push for a D. I don't know how I would feel, but it feels so incredibly like a harsh and irreversible betrayal, erosion of trust, and disrespectful action that it would make me be a lot less likely to feel the need to put so much of my heart, body, mind, and soul into DBing. If he crossed that line into a physical affair? Possibly time to cut my losses and let him go. It'd take time for me to feel amicable, and make me feel like recon might not be worth it.

Maybe that's harsh. Maybe I wouldn't actually feel that way. I don't know. But I do think it would change my whole approach. It'd be much, MUCH easier to let go.

All that is to say, I think I would feel that way about an A *unless* he was apologetic, said it was his fault, expressed regret, said that it was guilt about this that was pushing us apart in his mind, and that he wanted to work on things to stay with me. If that were the case? Maybe. Lots to think about.

I am glad to see that you are not taking all of the blame. A common mistake for spouses that are codependent. We knee jerk and take all the blame.

Please stop beating yourself up for the weight gain. Metabolisms naturally slow as we age. I find it funny that when you go to your 10, 15, 20, 25 year high school reunions, look at people. Remember those people that were the perfect proportions in high school? They have all become overweight. Remember the people that were on the skinny side? Now they are more properly proportioned.

When we take our vows: For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Never have I heard "unless you become obese and then I keep my options open" added to the end.

I am sure your H is not the strapping young man he was when you married him either.

You seem to have a pretty good idea of what GAL entails. Go with those.

I'll warn you, Doodler hits a lot of people with 2X4s, but he's often right, so consider it.

For me emotional distance was not possible until she moved out; even then, it wasn't easy, but it DOES get easier. GAL helps with that.

Personally, I wouldn't have dinner with him, make his appointments, etc. He wants to be separated, and separated people do these things themselves. I see it as having his cake and eating it too. If he wants to see what it's like living alone, let him. It will also help with emotional distance.

About the kids, my S18 is adopted. We have a number of friends with adopted kids, too. It doesn't always go smoothly (but nearly always it does), but I would recommend it to anyone. Just something to think about....

You're getting a lot of good advice. Take it. You may not save your marriage, but even if you don't, you will come out of it a better version of yourself.

I am not taking all of the blame. I desperately want us to be together, but I also know than an absolute I have if we are going to move forward is for him to be able to communicate better and engage in productive conflict. A large part of how things got to be where they are is because he didn't express frustrations, process stress or emotions, and did everything in his power to avoid "hurting my feelings" for years, in some cases. That won't fly with me anymore. He's already doing better in expressing frustrations -- which is good. But nope.

I'm clear that I want us to be together and I don't want us to separate, but already, the BD moment and conversations have eroded my trust in him. It's not just all about him wanting to be with me. He also needs to demonstrate that he won't get us back in the position where we were previously because of a failure to communicate or his extreme conflict avoidance.

(To be fair, I can also be bad with this, but not to the same extreme.)

My husband is still gorgeous to me. He's 5'8, has funky teeth, is balding, and lives in jeans and t-shirts. But he is gorgeous.

mybest, I went back through and read most of your thread. When I reread your original post I got that sinking, he is cheating on her feeling.

Let me put it to you the way another marriage/divorce avoiding expert (not MWD) put it: he doesn't need his own place to fall back in love with you, he needs his own place to sleep with other people.

Sorry to put it bluntly, but most guys don't wake up one morning and go "I am not in love with my wife anymore so I am going to move out." I wasn't in love with my wife for years, and never did the thought of leaving or separating enter my head. If I had met someone that might have changed.

But as others have said, this doesn't really change your approach at all. Unless infidelity is a deal breaker for you. Have you asked him point blank if there is someone else? (I would only do that if infidelity is a deal breaker for you.)

Also, if in the 6 months he is separated, if he sleeps with someone else would you consider that infidelity? Does he know how you feel about that?

Yeah, I have asked him. Several times. The MC asked him too. He says no.

One of our rules is no dating during the separation; if we want that to change, we negotiate it beforehand in MC. If I find him dating after all this mess, I'll probably be the one pushing for a D.

I am pretty confident that infidelity IS pretty close to a dealbreaker for me. Especially after all this. Maybe not if he came clean, asked for forgiveness, didn't try to hide it, and really put effort into making things right, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. But if he has an A, and is hiding it while dropping the bomb and going through the separation? Yeah. I don't see myself fighting for someone who treats me like that and has so little respect for me. Maybe I should, but I just... this is hard enough as-is. If that was a part of it? I love him, but I love me too, and I don't deserve to be treated that way.

Having goals is arguably the most important GAL technique. But your goals need to be measurable. "Find joy" for example, that is not a real goal because how do you measure that? How do you know when you've achieved it? Likewise "get fit" is not a goal. "Lose 10 pounds in 2 months" IS a goal, and it's one easily tracked and measured. Or run an 8 minute mile by the end of two months and a 7 minute mile by the end of four months. So refine your goals:

"Consider a doctorate" Not a goal, you can "consider" it whenever. If your goal is to attain a doctorate then set that as a long-term goal and set some benchmarks in-between, such as "apply to college by Spring 2019" or whatever your plan is.

"Publish or do research or presentations" Better, but assign a deadline to that and be more specific.

"Eventually (8 months or so from now) possibly think about a new job" Thinking about it isn't a goal. You're probably already thinking about it. Maybe put "find a new job" on your long term goal list if it's 8 months out. Add benchmarks such as "investigate job options" with dates assigned.

"Get fit. Become a healthy weight and maintain it." Good. Now figure out how much you want to lose and set a deadline for it. If that deadline is 3 months out then set benchmark deadlines in between. For example- make "lose 20 pounds in 3 months" your goal and then break it down into weekly and monthly benchmarks.

"Find joy. Have fun." Not goals. Figure out what goals you need to achieve for those to happen. Maybe losing weight will make you happy, and taking your dog on nature walks will bring you some fun.

"Spend more time in nature." Be more specific, like "Take my dog for a nature hike twice a week."

"Develop my friendships." Be more specific. "Contact Sue, Lisa and Joanne and have lunch with each of them." Set dates for this.

Take a white board and write your goals down. When you accomplish a goal then put a checkmark next to it. As you tick goals off write new ones down.

I'm not trying to pick on you, goal-setting is VERY important and a lot of people come here not understanding how to do it. Hopefully this helps a little!

To add to what AS said, here is how I work on my goals. This is also my signature now. Thanks to folks like AS and Vanilla, I was able to really figure out how to identify, plan, and achieve goals.

Personally Meaningful Goal + Deadline + Plan + Consistent Action = Fulfillment

I see this sentiment expressed a lot here. To be honest I don't understand it, because he has ALREADY abandoned the marriage and you. From Psychology Today:

"Infidelity is breaking a promise to remain faithful to a sexual partner. That promise can take many forms, from marriage vows sanctified by the state to privately uttered verbal agreements between lovers. As unthinkable as the notion of breaking such bonds may be, infidelity is common."

Why would sex with someone else be a deal-breaker for you, but his proclamation that he is no longer attracted to you, is not in love with you, does not want to stay married to you and thinks it's unfixable and resents you (these are all comments from your first post) is not a deal-breaker? The infidelity is already there. Too many LBS's spend too much time worrying about an affair when the infidelity is already jumping up and slapping them across the face.