Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBW, H maybe in MLC and now with OW - part 2

This is H. We could be alone one minute, him mad as all he*$ at me (or whatever), then be in public the next with the most friendly face you'd never know it. He makes friends very easy, can be very charming to everyone. He is a GREAT complainer (if there really is such a thing). Complains about everything.



I've never seen H as controlling, but very manipulative. Very manipulative. I overlooked it though. That is something I need to work on, not overlooking those character "flaws".

Learning to recognize his manipulation. I can see it after the fact plain as day. But I can't always see it while it's occurring. I must work on this.

Meg - sending you good thoughts and warm hugs...

You can do this.

You can create boundaries and continue to improve your GAL and not hurt the chances of recon M if you choose to do so despite what reaction you might generate from your H in the process.

Let him get angry. Let him make you try to feel guilty. But, do not give in to him. Show him what he is losing out on!!!!

You got this girl!

Meg

The person I am most concerned about is you.

I was a target of a master manipulator and it isn't easy. It's gaslighting and it takes a long time to resolve.

So the thing I want most for you is extreme self care. Extreme.

If you do sleep with jerk wad for heavens sake use protection.

Love you first.

V

So I went for my routine physical with doctor yesterday, ended up spending almost an hour talking with him. Asked for full STD testing done, he definitely agreed, given the situation. So far 3 have come back negative. The blood work will take a bit longer.

H texted yesterday that he was looking forward to spending time with me and the kids this weekend.

H texted this morning. Said he needs to know if I want D or to work on marriage. Then said "I'm feeling absolutely sh%#*y for everything I've been putting you and the kids through. I know I have s&$*t in my life I need to face and handle and I've taken it out on you and the kids. I just don't know what to do?" I told him he knows what I want, and it will take time and work, by both of us. He said we have a lot of things ti work through, a lot of changes needed, and that he has a lot to work on, we'll talk tonight.

I still have no expectations. I guess I'll just wait to see what he says.

Listen... validate... take your time and don't be overly enthusiastic.

Mull over what he says. Make sure you have your own list of must haves - not that you need to discuss those at all tonight with H... but you need to figure out what Meg wants... not what Meg thinks her H wants her to have.

Remember no expectations... AND he needs to show actions not just words... you can do this!!!

no matter what he says, tell him you NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT

b/c 1) you DO and

2) because it's not supposed to be "easy" for him to walk back in.

DB says "keep the road home paved & smooth" - makes sense.


But they mean Don't go telling everyone in your world (and his) about the A or throw it in his face, and do not try to publicly shame your spouse

especially if you want a reconciliation.

DB's suggestion to "keep the road home paved" does NOT mean never examine errors or make amends -and demand the LBS have amnesia.


And sometimes, even OFTEN - these WAS act as if they want to reconcile - and maybe a part of them does...

But often they are really sending probes to see how easy the LBS will make it for them,

(so the WAS knows in effect, the LBS is after all, still waiting.)


It does NOT mean the WAS will do the work. They might, or maybe for 2 weeks...OR

They might just want to know you've thought out taking them back.

Be non committal, act as if you assumed it was over and that you resigned yourself to it, AND then - as Sandi's guidelines suggest

act as if YOU HAVE HAD AN AWAKENING and you are going to be fine without him...

then show your concerned VALID doubts in his (possible) promises, and show your worth - that you expect and deserve better and

that you are done if you don't get it.

I say this^^^ approach, b/c it is the most likely to get him back on track for real.

No, I don't think it's likely, I'm saying IF there's a chance, then this^^^ approach IMO, maximizes the odds.

Good luck Meg.

Truly

Meg- hope your Easter went well and that you are doing okay. :-)

Couldn't agree more. There have been too many stories here of people who took their WAS back too quickly and it backfired in a big way. His acknowledgement of his own issues is just the very beginning of a very long process that he must go through before he'll be ready for recon. There will be progress and there will be setbacks. He is still at the stage where you really can't believe anything he says. Give it time and see what his ACTIONS show.

Meg,

I sincerely hope you will listen to the posters, even if it doesn't feel natural. There can be such an overwhelming sensation of relief when the waywards starts to come back around, and it can cause us to lose sight of the bigger picture. I am glad however that at the very least he is starting to self reflect and look at some of his own choices. For what it's worth, I don't see how your H is a MNG at all, I just can't see it.

Those of us that have been reading here awhile, have seen the same patterns in waywards. It is not usual that the S does a sharp 180 and comes back so swiftly, but it can happen. It is far more common for them to waffle around a bit, to go back and forth a couple times, and to further jerk our hearts around, unfortunately. There are less stories like this because in most cases, posters here do not get a chance to reconcile because by the time they come here it is too late. Also, people tend to stop posting at that time. I hope you will continue to post, as your story has a lot others can learn from.

In the case of my H, he did cut off OW cold turkey more than once, during their hidden EA, when I found out about it, and even after when he was with her. After he moved out, there was a time he cut her off and did not speak to her for 3 weeks. He kept temp checking me, remained confused and guilty, and just couldn't pull it together to work on the M. He ran right back to her before the A had to die a final death several months later. Of course your sitch is different than mine, I just want to caution you that it happens. I have read several similar stories here about it. I believe a poster named Train had this similar experience.

The thing is, we cannot control them or their actions. It sounds obvious but it's also hard to accept. A lot of what he's doing could be influenced by his R with OW and that it wasn't the pipe-dream he had been planning on. What you can control tho, is you. You can 180, GAL and focus on being the best Meg there is. Even if he wants to come back today, it is important that you still work on detachment and self-healing from this. Over time he will come to see that and naturally be drawn more towards you. While my 2*4 may have been harsh, and I am sorry for that, I still reserve me position that we teach others how to treat us. I hope you will not allow him to just walk back into your life, home, or bed. Others, even our spouses, lose respect for us when we allow them to walk all over us. I see him as walking all over you, completely selfish and entitled. He got a small taste of something else, or perhaps that he messed up, and then he asks what YOU want? I mean really. He has got to show complete responsibility, remorse, and loyalty to you if he wants you, no?

He doesn't deserve to just walk back in because he changed his mind or says hes sorry. He has to show you -- with consistent action over time -- that he has changed and that he is worthy of you again. The saying here is that on BD, the old M is dead and gone; some of us get a chance to build a new one and most of us don't. No matter what he says today, he still is a man that had an A and left his wife and kids. That is an incredible betrayal and assault on your R together. Trust takes time to rebuild. I am entering year 3, and we still have set backs.

There are not a lot of threads on piecing, but it really is harder than DB-ing. The emotions settle down, and things get discussed, but the betrayal and the corroded trust remain. It is a long and somewhat torturous process. I think it only works if both people really are willing to look hard at themselves, take ownership over their mistakes, look at their past and all the whys, and also to commit to choosing your partner each day. Even as we come to realize they won't leave us again, we still know that we are choosing someone that did ...

The only place to start is with you. Even tho our instincts guide us towards wanting to take our partner back and to fix the M, that is the short lived piece in the puzzle. The work that matters, and what will sustain things over time, is the self help and work we do inside. I hope you guys can get there. I hope you can do that hard work and really ask yourself how you deserve to be treated. Even if your H cannot treat you that way, the glory is that you can, and you always have yourself.

Best of luck,
Blu