Ok, so here's what went down. I'd like to think I'm getting a stronger voice for myself. But, man, I can read between H's lines.
I did check with kids before responding. S19 said he didn't really care (he's an adult, he can do whatever). S17 said he would only go only with spending time with H if it was a family thing, not individual thing. D13 said she was ok with it. I asked her how she feels, because she does have a voice (I could see her feelings in her eyes). She said she really didn't want to spend time with him right now after what he did the other night, but she would if it was a family thing.
So here's what I sent H:
ME- Saturday afternoon we are doing errands and getting s17's phone fixed. How about if you come up Sunday morning, have Easter breakfast with us, then fishing or something.
H- I was going to stay the night Saturday but never mind. I was trying to spend time with you as well bit I will change my plans.
ME- I was including myself in the fishing or something, not just the kids. I am not against spending time with you.
H- I was trying to spend the evening with you but you made that clear just now that you aren't interested.
ME- It not a matter of not being interested. I never said that. Spending time with you would be nice. But a sleepover is not entirely doable right now as it's female monthly time. If you're ok with a sleepover with no sex, then that is doable.
No answer from H. It's been an hour.
I can see that he doesn't like me detaching. He doesn't like that life goes on for us. But I tend to think he just wanted to spend the night for sex, not to actually spend time with me. It's been 2 weeks since sex with H, I don't know for sure he's having sex with OW, I'd like to think he values (or valued) our M more than that. But then I don't really know him right now.
I have a very difficult time standing up to H. He has this way of just looking at me, or using a tone of voice, that makes me feel like what I'm saying or doing is completely wrong.
Anyway. ARGGGHHH!!! There, I had to yell. I finally looked at this Meetup thing I've seen other people post about. Unfortunately not anything in my little mountain community, but interesting things down in the valley/city. I did come across a divorce/separation group that's trying to start getting together down in the city. If they can do it on the weekends, I'm in. Thankfully I can see the other members to make sure it's not H, or OW. There's also some nice yoga and meditation meetups that I may look into. The book clubs in the area don't really jump out at me yet.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I think you know what's happening here and suggest you don't allow him to USE you, this comes down to your own self respect.
Do you know whether he is in a PA with the OW? Chances are he is so he's basically getting all of his needs met from both of you without little concern for your feelings.
By the way waywards are masters of manipulation!
You've broken the cycle and taken his "fix" away good on you, he's going to be angry and he'll do EVERYTHING to get back what he feels he deserves be prepared, just listen but don't back down be strong.
How do you feel about being in an open marriage? Can you continue to share him? Do you see how these statements are so wrong..?
Not so much a 2x4 but a back on track head into gear statement.
Again you're doing nothing wrong keep DR'ing it's having an impact.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Meg I know how hard this is... it feels like you are walking a tightrope with H. I can see from your interaction you want to set boundaries with him but are also trying to appease him at the same time.
When you have told him "no"... don't coddle him when he pushes by giving in and saying he can spend the night but no sex because Aunt Flo stopped by.
Next time just simply state that you are looking forward to seeing him on Sunday but you have other plans Saturday night.
It doesn't require an explanation. Let him moan and groan all he wants but don't bend to his demands... is he bending to yours?
He will get angry. But, if a lightbulb is ever to go off he has to feel like he is losing you. Right now its still you losing him and back peddling to appease him because he isn't getting what he wants is chasing him.
Meg - you truly have come a long way. You taken great strides and are handling yourself with pride.
have a very difficult time standing up to H. He has this way of just looking at me, or using a tone of voice, that makes me feel like what I'm saying or doing is completely wrong.
Meg this troubles me. two truths i know for sure:
You CAN'T control him.
You CAN control you.
You give him this power over you. He didn't "just have it". You're stronger than that. So stand up to him and do so proudly!
Also, no more excuses on the sex front. Just say: "Under the current circumstances it isn't happening right now. " Don't explain further, leave it at that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
H sent reply late last night. His words - "it"s not about sex, it's about spending time with you. I really feel like I need to be around you and the kids right now. Just feeling depressed."
I have replied yet.
H has always been a master manipulator, even before BD. So I know there's something other than just needing to spend time with us.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Meg - he is starting to see that life without all of you isn't so glamerous after all...
KEEP IT UP... its working...
Don't feel guilty for not being easily available. YOU HAVE PRIOR PLANS ON SATURDAY.
This will not push him away... it will in fact make him crave you more. Hang in there. Have Sunday dinner its Easter... But remember that you need to start having boundaries about the H coming over when he desires. If he wants to have family dinner or see the kids he has an apartment - there are restaurants.
Do you tell him that you'll stop by his apartment when you want? Nope...
Ok, I did a not-so-good thing, I told H it's ok to come spend Saturday night, have dinner and watch movie. I fell for his "poor me". He hasn't acknowledged it yet, just some of texts about financial stuff. We'll see what happens Saturday. I'm thinking it's the first holiday away this weekend, and maybe OW doesn't want him there for it, I don't know. But I will treat him like an out of town guest.
Bad, I know. But it will be good for s19 to spend time with H, he hs been asking all week to see him.
The kids have told me they have no interest to go visit H at his super tiny studio apartment, but they are ok to spend time with him at my house, with everyone present.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
ME- Saturday afternoon we are doing errands and getting s17's phone fixed. How about if you come up Sunday morning, have Easter breakfast with us, then fishing or something.
Good. Next time phrase it like this though- "The kids and I are having breakfast and then fishing or something. YOU ARE WELCOME TO COME ALONG IF YOU WISH." And if he doesn't, you and the kids do it without him. That's the DB'ing way, don't ask them out on dates but it's OK to invite them to participate in something you are going to do whether with or without them. Make sense?
Quote:
H- I was going to stay the night Saturday but never mind. I was trying to spend time with you as well bit I will change my plans.
Passive/aggressive.
Quote:
ME- I was including myself in the fishing or something, not just the kids. I am not against spending time with you.
Don't play into his BS. Next time just say OK or better yet, nothing at all.
Quote:
H- I was trying to spend the evening with you but you made that clear just now that you aren't interested.
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE.
Quote:
ME- It not a matter of not being interested. I never said that. Spending time with you would be nice. But a sleepover is not entirely doable right now as it's female monthly time. If you're ok with a sleepover with no sex, then that is doable.
Again, don't engage. Either no response or "let me know if you're joining us Sunday".
Quote:
No answer from H. It's been an hour.
Like I said, passive/aggressive. Sounds like he may have a serious case of NGS. Does he put on a friendly face, make friends easily, then throw all these barbs at you in private? Complain about all things great and small? Complain about what you're wearing, how dirty the house is, how you take care of the kids? Nice guy indeed.
Quote:
But I tend to think he just wanted to spend the night for sex, not to actually spend time with me.
Safe bet.
Quote:
I have a very difficult time standing up to H. He has this way of just looking at me, or using a tone of voice, that makes me feel like what I'm saying or doing is completely wrong.
WOW, yeah that is right out of the NGS book. He's controlling and manipulating you!
