I have been very careful not to trash talk H to the kids. I want them to have their own relationship with him. Unfortunately the boys have never really had a good relationship with him. I continue to encourage them to reach out to him, regardless of what H does.
Great, that's all you can do. Well done.
Quote:
As far as counseling, we did talk about that the other day, D13 asked if she could talk to someone. So I will work on getting that in place for her this week.
Since she is a minor, is that something that I should inform H?
That's great as well. I would inform him as a courtesy. Just say she's been struggling with things and you are arranging for her to talk to a counselor and you just wanted to let him know.
gee... how dare you detach and GAL while he leads the way in doing the same but with OW...
i'm sorry, meg24... i could not resist the sarcasm... the irony... on a positive note, i see tremendous growth in you in such a short time...
--artista
Sometimes I feel like I've grown. Today is not one of those times. I don't know why. Haven't cried in 2 weeks. But after my post-op doctor appointment this morning I just sat in my car and cried. I guess the emotions of the weekend just kind of hit me, especially since it's the first moment I've had alone, without kids present, since Friday evening.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
The lawyer will likely guide your consultation. They've been through it before. They know what to ask and what information you will need. One of the best things I did in my sitch was do a phone consultation with a lawyer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What kind of questions should I ask when meeting with an attorney just to learn my rights?
I know that if my sitch leads me to actually NEEDING and attorney, I will interview several.
What I asked and what I wish I had asked (I'm a lawyer but this was my first time as a client. What an eye opener).
I asked about financial expectations I could have. I asked about timelines.
I WISH I had asked how much this divorce would cost and how they'd try to keep costs down BUT without doing mediocre work.
I WISH I had asked what they'd do if my h left the state and claimed to "retire" - lie. I wish I had known that a LOT of the leg work is YOURS TO DO
(ie get papers for where you bank, account numbers and check to see if your h has others...FIND your old tax returns, life insurance, car titles, savings, college funds, MORTGAGE info and find out if he took a 2nd mortgage out, medical conditions and any records, all CHILD related expenses and medical issues, ) AND find out what your L would do if your h fails to comply with court orders.
Hiring a PI was a Jerry Springer thing I had to do and THAT was key in getting a settlement but of course, my ex h has STILL NOT PAID...
RE custody - that will be a big leverage point for your h. He will likely try to reduce CS by pretending to want half custody (time which he will not likely use eventually ).
Don't fear losing your kids, fear letting your h using them as pawns in a financial battle.
Be strong, gird yourself. Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint,
just like saving a marriage is. Knowing your rights will empower you to make an informed choice, not a fear based one.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You’ve read my sitch and know I was legally separated in 2 months after BD (you’re already past that ). Mine was a crazy fast sprint, so I didn’t get much time to learn, but I’ll pass on what I can.
Steve is correct the L has been through this many times and will guide you pretty well, and as 25 said there are questions she wishes she asked.
If you’re like me this is new territory and never thought you would be looking into a D. Keep a notebook handy to write questions down as they come to you. I found after the first discussion with L, and as this new information was being processed, new questions or concerns would appear. Those new questions disappear pretty quickly too, most likely b/c this is so foreign, so write them down.
Some specific advice from me. Find out what the legal letter of the law scenario is, the 50/50 one. See what is negotiable and what is not. Where I live child support cannot be waived or negotiated, everything else can be.
It s*cks asking questions on how to dissolve your M. Remember you’re just gathering information and there is lots of leg work to do. Better to do it in a relatively calm state and at your pace, than in the heat of moment.
I do hope you do not need to use any of the information, however if it come to that it is best to be prepared.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As far as counseling, we did talk about that the other day, D13 asked if she could talk to someone. So I will work on getting that in place for her this week.
Since she is a minor, is that something that I should inform H?
That's great as well. I would inform him as a courtesy. Just say she's been struggling with things and you are arranging for her to talk to a counselor and you just wanted to let him know.
Well, I have appointment set for D13 to speak to counselor. I sent H text this morning, as follows:
ME - D13 has been struggling with issues and has requested to to talk to a counselor. I am working on an appointment for her. Just wanted to let you know.
H - what issue? us, or school? you need to tell me more than that.
ME - Stuff at home, us. School is fine. She wants to talk to a counselor.
H - so that's all you can tell me?
ME - She just said she doesn't understand and wants help to figure out her feelings. She hasn't said much to me about it.
20 minutes later H - are they out of school this week?
ME - no, spring break not for another 3 weeks.
H - ok
I did send d13 quick text that I told him of her request and that he may contact her.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
H just texted that he would like come stay saturday and sunday, to spend some time with me and the kids, maybe take them fishing or do something with whole family.
Help. How do I nicely tell him I'm not entirely comfortable with him spending the night, that there would definitely be no sex. I'm not even sure the kids are ready for another time with him (but I will ask them how they feel, for sure, before responding).
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
). Mine was a crazy fast sprint, so I didn’t get much time to learn, but I’ll pass on what I can.