i am so sorry, hoosjim... i had wanted to respond to your thread today about the wine hour and discussion that followed, but I worked late... And then i thought Don H said it best.
i just want to say everything your W has been up to, i have done the same... i can truly see how cruel i was to my H... i think what we have done is even more cruel than spouses who are blatant in their betrayals... Because we give hope, false hope... And other LBSs see positive movement in your sitch and wish the same for themselves, and that adds to the encouragement... i am sorry, hoosjim... i have seen your pain up close and personal...
Strong evidence? No. Not enough to confront her, anyway. But i know. I suspected for a few days, now i know. Im going to get proof, because i feel i need that. But i know.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I am really sorry. You are a good dude and are going to be just fine. I can tell you from experience that in time you are going to feel a big weight lifted off your shoulders. In my experience there is no worse feeling in the world then limbo.
I am really sorry. You are a good dude and are going to be just fine. I can tell you from experience that in time you are going to feel a big weight lifted off your shoulders. In my experience there is no worse feeling in the world then limbo.
Actually, there is something worse than limbo. It is thinking that you've turned the corner, that it is safe to love again and make yourself vulnerable, that your marriage and your family that you thought might be dead is now saved... and then to find out it was all a lie. I've felt both. This is way worse.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I'm sorry to hear about this update. I'm not going to repeat a lot of the suggestions I've posted in the past, but I did want to ask whether or not you really need proof, if you "know", isn't that enough? Also, is saying anything to her going to get you closer to your goal, or would action be more effective than talk?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I don't post much in your thread because I don't have much to contribute in your sitch, but I do read it and keep up with it. I am really sorry to hear this update.
What are your next steps? What are you thinking of doing?
I did want to ask whether or not you really need proof, if you "know",
No, I need to be certain. [sigh] I've invested too much of myself, too much time and love and everything to not be certain.
Quote:
Also, is saying anything to her going to get you closer to your goal, or would action be more effective than talk?
If/when it comes to it, don't think I will need to say much more than "soyonara". But I will say something... No MR talks, but we are supposedly in a place now where we are talking and moving forward. She'll need to know I know.
Here's the tricky part, though... How do I behave towards her until then? She has done nothing overtly dishonest or disrespectful. The wine hour with her coworkers went a little long BUT she did just enough (calling periodically, etc) to NOT be truly disrespectful, and I had not forbidden her to go to these things, just told her I didn't approve of what doctor was doing but that I needed to trust her and know she knew what the boundaries were (and the one I gave her was no one-on-one, which she did not violate).
She has, however, been distant emotionally the past couple of days, and she has been more defensive when we have had the periodic MR talks that MC has prescribed. I also suspect that she may have been trying to provoke me with the after work thing.
Today when we were talking by phone on her ride in, she was very down-sounding (as opposed to the very spunky up-sounding she had been Wednesday night when I am pretty sure she talked to OM and perhaps even saw him) and talked about not sleeping well and I jokingly asked her if she had a guilty conscious and she said "less guilty... I keep thinking of the saying 'no rest for the wicked' and im about as wicked as they get" (she didn't sound like she was joking.).
Pretty sure she's gotten herself back into this, but I need to 1) be certain before I pull the plug and 2) figure out how to interact with her until I know for sure one way or the other-- I have been VERY warm and engaging and loving-- and open with the touching. If I all of a sudden back off on that she's going to know something's wrong or that I suspect. I suspect strongly enough that we don't need to talk about it. If I find out I was wrong we'll talk about appearances, etc., but Im pretty sure Im not wrong. And if im not wrong, she'll slip up.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
So sorry mate must be really hard, truly feel for you.
If there is any positives here it’s that old saying “building a house on a foundation of sand”, she’s still wayward but something between the pair of them caused her to have doubts!
These doubts will re-surface and with a vengeance, let it happen go out and get a great life; theirs will slowly erode.
Easy to say I know.
Gutted.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
