Plannin ahead. I have my room. Ima go home grab my stuff. My meds and dop kit and a Change of clothes. I also must protect out my son's checklist for his therapy tasks for the next few days. I do not plan on talking to her beyond saying "I don't want to talk" maybe even "I don't want to see you either"either hburg that's it.
Tonight I will call S18 to say goodnight. Possible he'll be staying with friends.
Tomorrow, church in the morning. Maybe I'll drive down to see S19 at his college. We'd been planning on going to see him and go to church and have brunch next sunday (easter), but that's obviously shot now.
Monday and the work week will be trickier. I reall don't want her around but doubt she will leave. That brings up the whole master bedroom issue. Not an argument I want to have because seems unproductive and a dead end.
Moving forward, I have IC on Monday. I am Assuming she at some point might try to get us back together, might even ask me about it. Not really even sure what I think of that idea, and, if it ever were to happen, how would I ever know if W was being genuine? Seems almost pointless. I don't want to let myself in again for the constant fear and guessing game.
I still love her and in a perfect world would want to be with her in a happy, committed, intime marriage. But this is far from a perfect situation. Dont see how I could ever trust her.
You know, it's weird. In some ways, this hurts worse than the original bomb drop because at that time, it was hard to say that we were even friends. Now, at this point, I had gotten my hopes up. I thought we had finally turned the corner and that, while there was much work left to be done, that we might actually make this thing work, maybe even make it better than before. So in that respect it does hurt. At the same time, just in terms of just me, I am in some ways better than I have ever been. Healthier, more assured in my faith, reconnected with so many friends and made so many more over the past few months, broaden my horizons... so, but I have the sadness, I really feel... good. And then a lot of ways, there's a lot less uncertainty now. I know the score.
Going to need a lot of support through from the folks on this site. I'll be swimming in uncharted waters. Not sure where I'll go I want to be going when the dust settles. Seems like it could be anywhere. But I know that I'll be good no matter how things turn out
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Jim take it from me, brother, you are an inspiration to all of us a few steps behind you in the journey, especially those of us belonging to that unwanted subgroup of the affair having gone deeper underground and waiting for our own smoking guns.
more power to you, you're doing great!
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Went home to get my stuff. She of course wanted to talk. I said I didn't want to talk. I kept silent most of the time. She asked if I wanted her to read me her letter she wrote. I said no. As I was walking out she said that my son was worried and been asking about me, so I said I had called him. And she tried to block me from leaving the house. I said please move. She said aren't we ever going to talk about this. I repeated I don't want to talk. Please move. She didn't move, so I turned around and went to the back of the house and went out the back door. She met me in the driveway as I was getting into the car. Then she said so we're never going to talk about this? And I replied what is there to talk about? And drove off. She looked like she had been crying, but was no longer the clingy desperate mess she had been earlier in the day. She was also somewhat less contrite. No apologies, just can we talk can we talk can I read you my letter.
My good friend and I had been talking by phone for about an hour or so about our respective lives and our situations ( his soon-to-be ex-wife is my wife's toxic BFF) and concluded that his wife is even more evil and deranged than we had originally thought after comparing notes for a while. I checked the phone record for grins, and discovered that wife had been on the phone almost non-stop with BFF since I walked out. I'm sure she got reams of very helpful advice.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Monday and the work week will be trickier. I reall don't want her around but doubt she will leave. That brings up the whole master bedroom issue. Not an argument I want to have because seems unproductive and a dead end.
If she refuses to leave, are you saying you'd stay there in the house with her? I know you haven't had time to think about it, but I hope you won't agree to in-house separation. They aren't successful. You really would go through hell, if you had to stay there separated. If I remember right, wasn't that the direction you were headed last time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, at some point, I'm going to have to actually talk to her about the arrangements. When we first had the confrontation earlier today, I told her that I wanted her out by the end of the week. Of course that's when she was all desperate and clingy and just wanted to talk and say she was sorry.
But it will have to be addressed. I really really really really really would prefer not to have to leave my own house since I did nothing freaking wrong. What if she refuses, what she very well might, particularly with BFF in her corner cheering her on.
Anyone have any advice on how to handle this issue? As in, when should I be open to discussing it with her and how I should handle it? I can tell her I want her gone until I'm blue in the face, but I can't force her.
There's also the pending issues of the counseling sessions. Unless BFF talks her into simply bolting immediately, I am assuming wife will push the issue of getting together to talk with the marriage counselor. I have told her that I am not interested in talking right now. But she's liable to keep pushing it. Who knows, maybe she even believes it's what she wants.
I definitely don't want in house separation. How long do U Pros reckon we would have to be separated before she came crawling back if she ever did come crawling back. And it pretty much would have to be completely crawling back well I don't see how I can buy it. And maybe not even then.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
She looked like she had been crying, but was no longer the clingy desperate mess she had been earlier in the day. She was also somewhat less contrite. No apologies, just can we talk can we talk can I read you my letter.
Yes, she wants to soften you and wear you down.
I am concerned BFF will fill you W's head with more wayward, hard-hearted, rebellious mess that will possibly interfere with your W repenting, and humbly seeking forgiveness from God and her H. Unless your W gets a lot smarter and decides she can be much better off without BFF......I think she (W) and any hope for a happy MR stand a slim chance. Dealing with one WW is horrible enough. Dealing with two WW's are just too much.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had put a recorder in her car today as well. I retrieved it when I went home to get my stuff. It included a conversation between her and BFF. I didn't bring any headphones with me so I wasn't able to hear everything, including BFFs part of the conversation. So I'm going to get some headphones now so I can listen more closely.
Most important points that I noted colon: 1, wife had not seen om since July, I presume at that beach trip. Or at least that's what she told BFF today on the phone. Two, she wanted to see him one last time today to see if there was anything still there, and there wasn't. She said that there was a side hug not even a body hug and that then she was like okay I got to go. 3, she sounded to be in legitimate tears for much of the call. 4, she said she really liked it was really happy with the way things have been going between us, and that she was feeling closer to me all the time and that she was now seeing in the many of the thing that she wanted in a husband. 4, she tearfully told BFF that she did not think this time that there would be any coming back from it (meaning from her mostake) will fill in more once I have listened to the recording with headphones. The aforementioned conversation happened while she was driving around looking for me after I had walked out earlier.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
She is still not respecting you... Forcing a talk... I kept calling my H after he dropped his bomb about knowing about my A... He would not answer. He finally texted me and said he was not wanting to talk to me. In my mind, I thought I could say the right things to smooth things over. If he would only give me a chance. He was wise to resist me... As angry and hurt as he was, he said he could not stand to see me hurt... I was his weakness... He also confronted OM by Facebook-left him a very public message... He wanted him to know that he knew in case i tried to hide it from OM...
I do not think you should keep the MC appointments at this time... You really do need your space.
