Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Re-Detaching

Detachment is troublesome psychologically. Observing independently challenges beliefs.

A deeply held belief which can't be validated or confirmed is one issue but defending a belief which cannot be validated or confirmed is quite another.

It is often psychologically better to continue with a belief that is inaccurate or unhelpful than to face an uncomfortable truth. The acceptance of an observed position which is a truth instigates action or inaction. This may be uncomfortable.

Detachment is uncomfortable and unfamiliar as a state and until it becomes familiar then it is hard to use.

Detachment isn't easy and I think we may resist it. If we detach and observe then we know that which we would otherwise be unaware. Once you know then you can never unknow.

So suppose an LBS is unaware there is a wayward with an A. They can choose a belief such as everything is OK in my M. Yet if the detach and observe they will likely learn the truth, but the truth is uncomfortable to know. The LBS will have to take action if they know.

But it all unfolds in time.

There is a finale or a great uncovering of the A.

Then they are told they must detach when their beliefs are smashed and their world apparantly in ruins.

We should leave the choice of detachment to the LBS, and we learn that it is a skill set that creates a permanent shift. And we may not want that.

Entering detachment state is a life skill and a great one to have. I think it's a skill we can learn.

I was surprised that when I detached (as required) that my inner eyes opened and observed not only the G but myself. I didn't really like some of the things I observed. One of those is that I was misreading my own emotions, I was calling how I felt an emotion when it was a state or even a thought. I had no sense of emotional intelligence. It was a big step to learn.

Detachment also made me aware that I was not taking care of me.

It also made it clear to me that I had a lot to learn about abuse, about how to handle it.

The use of the third position made it clear how appalling my self talk was.

This was in addition to my R with the G.

It was like suddenly seeing in colour when everything before had been black and white.

I had been unconscious and now I was painfully awake. It was overpowering and frightening too, this connection with my higher power.

In many ways this isn't comfortable, the realisations that come are hard to live with.

It had two great benefits, the first was I pressed my own buttons and secondly my way of self created shift that has provoked new life situation.

Once you know this then there is no going back, and it's frustrating to be aware. Sometimes it might make you think that to detach is an unwanted state, It is essential when these hard life situations arise.

Let us think about our hypothetical LBS, at the point of knowing they have a choice, continue with the belief until their life fails, they could blame themselves completely, they could blame the wayward completeLy and move on to the next potential wayward. Or they can detach and find a way to walk to the pain and create shift.

I know I made my choice.

Detachment is not easy nor wanted, and when the LBS finds a way that works to detach, they can identify how it happens to create a repetition.

Some of my other techniques were

1. my perspex spew shield which I mentally drew out to ensure the G actions and words were deflected. I truly have a mental perspex spew shield in my toolkit.

2. My modified STOP technique. When my washing machine mind won't still I simply use the STOP technique. And I mentally unload the washing machine.

3. I use the film projection technique to push thoughts of the G away, I put the whole interaction past or present on a film screen and play with the sound, colour and I make the images softer and more distant.

4. I convert the G into a Disney cartoon, the Disney baby and give him a squeaky voice. This makes me laugh.

There are many many more.....

Some work better than others.

I also meditate and use mindfulness.

I have known others here use NVC......

It is a question of learning and explaining what is going on and that will happen through observing. Detachment is key to much of that.

My thoughts

V

Thank you V.

Honestly, I had to read, reread, step away and read this again, breaking it down into small bites to fully understand.

I think personality and cognitive biases play heavily into how taking a look at your MR, your S, yourself will affect you.

I know that seeing the truth has empowered me in the past. Yes, there is pain, but mostly anger and anger is an energy. Enlightenment has kept me on track from letting my guard down. And I think it goes without saying that keeping one's guard up for extended periods of time is exhausting.

No, I don't believe there is one path to detachment. I feel I understand it better than I have achieved it at times. Now being one of those times.

I would be curious to read about some of your other tools if you care to share.