Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Should I stay? Should I go? I need help for real

In my marriage, W told me what was wrong, but for various reasons, I couldn't hear it. It looks to me like she's telling you exactly what you need to do to help fix your marriage.



You will hear this a lot.... This is a marathon, not a sprint. You cannot be nice to her for a day, week, or month, and expect to see a difference. It may take two or three years to see the difference. Accept that. YOU have a lot of work you have to do to save this marriage. When it starts improving, then she can start helping, but right now, this is all on you.



Maybe she is having an affair, maybe she isn't. I have no idea. I tend to take people at their word. I'd look at the fact that she was telling you where she was staying and with whom as an indication she isn't, simply because if she were, what would be the point of telling you? She knows what you are thinking, and she's trying to be straight up with you. Otherwise, she'd be waaaaay overthinking the deception, and I don't most people are that crafty.

That said, what she is doing is totally inappropriate, and there needs to be a boundary.

Unless there is proof, I think you are better off avoiding any discussion of an affair.

Thanks a lot. I’m learning a lot from this website. And the advice is very helpful. Like you said I’m going to keep working on myself and let the process unfolds. So far the arguments and hostility is gone. The kid is doing better at kindergarten and I feel more relaxed. I’m joining yoga and I’m working out 4 times a week. She is still ambivalent but she has become a little insecure. She was asking why I’m so short of words. I just told her that I been working on myself and I’m just taking things easy. She seems worried but we’re ok no arguments. We haven’t got really closer still but we are still affectionate to each other. Still I feel like I don’t want to just forgive to get burnt again. We have couples counseling next week one day after our wedding anniversary and I have my emotions very mixed up. But I will keep posting.

3,

In your original post you said you were alone and may wind up dead. I felt the same after b d. This is not an anti-suicide website but I would encourage you to call an anti-suicide hotline if you ever feel that way. Pre program the number on your phone in case you need it. They can really help. Peace, you are stronger than you think. I understand how your situation can be all consuming, but it really will get better. There are brighter days ahead, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Don't worry that it's not happening yet. It will. It takes time, and you have barely started down the path.

If you can get to the point that you can forgive her, it will make it much easier. However, she may not think she's done anything needing forgiveness, and if you tell her you forgive her, that won't end well. Forgiving HER is really about opening up YOUR heart, so it's not really about her anyway, and she doesn't need to know, unless she asks for forgiveness.

I can't remember if you are in individual counselling. I think you are because of the ptsd, but if you are not, you need to get some. It will help you straighten out your emotions, and help you to trust her again.

Forgiveness

You do not have to forgive. If you don't or can't forgive then don't. It isn't mandatory or essential. To try to force forgiveness can create extra stress and guilt.

Letting go of the need to punish or resentment is important for YOU.

It is my philosophy that forgiveness is not my responsibility, it is for the other and the other's higher power.

If the other has true remorse and atones then forgiveness may follow or it may not. That is your concern not the others.

V

Well here I am. Tomorrow couples counseling and wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Today we had a meltdown after a good weekend that ended in me explaining her on a polite way that would like to have the weekends for myself so if she could accommodate her schedule because now she works every second Sunday or Saturday and I basically got told that I can’t and I only can after she’s home that is 8 pm, and during the day I can’t because I get home at 4 and I have to take care of my kid and cook supper for all of us. I always help with the chores and almost every weekend I do laundry. I guess I
Was just requesting time for myself and everything ended becoming a rant on text messages about unhappiness and I ended telling her that l am tired of feeling rejected, unattractive and the intimacy still the same. I basically have become a chore for Saturday morning before even waking up and that’s about it. The rest of days everything hurts every night or she is too tired. I tried to be as polite as I could but her defensiveness is a huge barrier between her and me.
I mean I was just talking about time for myself because I don’t do anything else more than work, take care of the kid and supper and lunches. She keeps saying that she’s trying hard when all she does is cooking on weekends and she’s not going to bars even though she’s still drinking every weekend at home.
I tried to express my concerns on the best way possible and it seems like all she wants is that I take it in silence because “we’re moving on” I guess I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her everything on how she’s been acting and that I’m tired of feeling I’m a chore. I’m tired of feeling avoided. I have done my best and everything is the same. I been checking on the phone bills and there’s a couple frequent numbers that call her often and surprisingly they are not on her contacts. Also now she’s visiting a friend very often when she told me once that they were no longer friends. I mean things are very ugly and I’m starting to give up hope. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. And I don’t want to waste my life sad and bitter for my sons sake. I honestly don’t know what to do or how to understand anything about fixing a marriage

It may help if you drop the subject of her contacts for the time being. Don't forget or pretend like it doesn't exist, but don't bring it up.

I really believe that couples counseling is great but you also need individual counseling for both. You may be getting this, already but sometimes our counselors aren't the best fit for us. It's ok to try a different counselor.

One thing I noticed is that your W will talk and express how she feels. Mine did not, and sought attention elsewhere. She would not talk to me about her real emotions, and she shut me off.

If you really do want to save this marriage you're going to have to do what you can to have patience. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. I do understand, it's a lot harder to do than it is to type it out on the Internet.

It looks like your relationship is in a very critical state. You have counseling tomorrow, so that is good. Think about what you need in your relationship and try to find a way to express it without being accusatory when you're having your session tomorrow. Hopefully you can accept what she says tomorrow and use it constructively.

What would your marriage be like, if you were able to shape it into what would make you happy?

The problem is first communication because she’s very adamant to talk about her problems or our problems as a couple. She’s never willing to face the discussion about her ambivalence and our lack of intimacy. We barely talk to each other and lately I have become more and more withdrawn. Today I told her straightforward I would rather to separate than having an affair because that fix nothing contrary creates more problems and suffering from PTSD I can tell you that handling drama is very challenging and having an affair is not even in my thoughts. I need peace and support. Is kinda sad to be with someone that makes you feel alone. And instead of understanding my point she lashes out bringing the good weekend like look what I did. I do all that every day and more and I’m never bringing it out, that’s not the point, I don’t even have any money ever to treat myself, I have no time to pursue a hobby and on top of that I’m pretty much like a roommate with financial ties. I have to recognize I’m mad about all this and I am the one wanting out. Don’t get me wrong I’m doing my best to save this but I see no progress. I feel we’re just back at the beginning when all the problems started and nothing else. There’s no trust because honestly I don’t trust her still and she’s not wanting to face the intimacy issue because that’s exactly were the affair feels more. She changed a lot and very drastically and now she drinks more, listens to unusually love songs and stuff. And more and more distant and when I bring it up she snaps. Men I’m feeling discouraged. I don’t know if is just part of the process or I’m taking it to hard on myself but I guess is painful.

Bro, I know the PTSD thing [censored]. If you want out of the relationship, be 100% sure about it. If you are, sleep on it and then think about it again.

Then sleep on it again.

This isn't a dating scenario. There's a kid involved. You're married. Not that divorce is permanent, but it is a huge thing to tackle. Divorce can change people, and make them act in odd ways. It's very stressful when you're going through it.

But it may be what is best. It just depends on the situation, and only you know what's best for you.

As I am sure you know

It takes 2 people for a marriage to work. Only 1 for it to fail.

I think its damaging to the soul, to really believe that you have much power in changing your wife's failure to work on your marriage. Once someone has had an affair, they have already elected to end the marriage. She has ended it already. She shows no signs of remorse or desire to work on your marriage.

All that she is doing right now is cake eating, gas lighting, and villifying you. You will end up with a new case of post traumatic stress if you continue to allow it.

Many of us come on here and villify ourselves. Then other posters on here villify us too. So that we continue to believe that if only we keep our (very justifiable) emotions to ourselves, they will not leave. IF we just validate their behavior, they will not leave. If we change things about ourselves that are human, they will not leave.

Marriage is for those that are committed. Your wife is not committed.

As soon as you let her go. You will feel better. More empowered. Healthier. You deserve more. She is not a prize. Would you ever pursue a woman that has a young child and is married? No. Because someone that does that is not the type of person you would want to be married to. This is her. You are worthy of someone loyal.

What your doing right now is not healthy for you and that is why you are feeling the way you do.

Take back your power.

You can love someone but you need to love yourself more.