Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 9

no... that is not something i would do... it's game playing... seems so inauthentic... it's contrived... i am pretty logical... and i tend not to lie to myself... i would not test a man on purpose... i do have fun with puns, innuendo... stuff like that... but in an organic manner...

Thought I'd share my latest adventures in enforcing boundaries.

Some background on the scenario in question: In our decree, we decided that XW got to keep the family dogs, but the dogs would come to my house when the boys came over, "to make the transition easier on the boys". (I realize it's actually to alleviate XW's responsibilities for the dogs when the boys aren't with her).

Next week is Spring Break vacation, I'll have the boys, and we're going out of town. So obviously, I could not have the dogs. XW couldn't watch them since she'll also be out of town, and she insisted that I would be responsible for paying for their boarding, since the boys are with me. My L stated the decree did not address this scenario, so XW would be responsible since the dogs are HERS. I informed XW not to bring the dogs to me, and she ignored my request and stated she'd drop them off to me anyway.

I'd been thinking about cutting my vacation short to reduce the cost of the boarding. Then I realized I would be sitting at home, not on vacation, watching her dogs, while XW was off - probably with OM. I don't know why being such an accommodating chump comes so naturally to me. This realization made me angry.

I decided I'd have to pay my L to fix the issue. It would probably cost more than boarding the dogs, but I was really paying to reinforce a boundary.

I had my L contact XW's L, informing her not to drop off the dogs to me. My L informed them we could return to mediation to resolve the issue if needed. After a while, XW's L responded that XW would pay for boarding.

But still, XW never contacted me and told me she'd be boarding them. I still had a suspicion she'd show up this morning with the dogs, and try to get them into the house.

So this morning, when she dropped off S11 to catch the bus, I walked out the house to make sure there was no funny business. I saw the dogs in her car. I told her "The dogs aren't staying here." She yelled back, "I know that, @sshole! I'm bringing them to the vets!" (Which is where they get boarded.)

This was in front of S11. I really wanted to say something because I don't appreciate her doing that in front of him. But I just bit my tongue and walked away.

I have to remind myself - my goal is to get her to respect me, not like me.

Holding, I think you should have bit your tongue a minut earlier.

We all agree that she shouldn't use that kind of language in front of kids, but don't put her in a situation where she can justify (in her brain) that it is ok to behave like that.

You probably already p!ssed her off by laywering up, so any remarks from you should have been put on hold until she actually attempted to drop off the dogs. Remember, don't feed the troll.

Your goal is to get her to respect you?

You do understand that goals are for you based on what you can do?

With due respect you can't set a behaviour goal for someone else!

V

You egged her on for no reason, you were the aggressor in this scenario, based on your accounts she never did anything that indicated she was trying to get you to take the dogs.

With that said, I believe the best way to handle a difficult situation is to plan ahead for it, or at least think ahead about what your goals in any type of situation are.

Your son was there, you had an altercation with an adult female, how would you want him to act in that situation? He will learn from you.

You made an unnecessary comment to her, she responded by calling you an explanitive. How would you like to teach your son to react in such a situation? You avoided conflict by walking away, is that what you want to teach him to do? Or would you rather teach him to look his "attacker" in the eye, calmly state that you will not be spoken to in that way, to address the situation straight forward?

Holding, I am pleased you lawyered up... I am glad you didn't take the dogs... She approached it as though you two share custody of the dogs... in this situation, you enforced your boundary...

Hey Everybody! Thought I'd give a status update since my last post about 3 weeks ago.

I just found out my D decree has been signed. Talk about an anti-climax! I didn't feel much of anything when I found out, except to say to my self "finally". The D was granted on Feb 15, so this was just a formality.

I recently read Tread's update on his own sitch, and I feel much the same way. I decided I was done living in the past. I've left the darkness of my cave, and I've entered a world full of colors.

I've been meeting people, socializing, and I've gone on a few dates. I'm not getting into anything serious at the moment, but I'm enjoying the prospect of dating and seeing where it goes. I'm on guard about using dating as a means of validation. Still, it's good to feel alive again.

For those of you out there suffering, there is life after D. I know how hard it can be to see that when you're in the thick of it. I couldn't.

DB'ing definitely helped my healing process. It put me on the path to detachment. If you suffer from NGS issues like me, find a NGS support group!

Thanks to everyone here for their support, criticism, 2x4s, and just taking the time to comment. I can't imagine what my journey would have been like had I not found this place.

It's been almost a year since BD for me. If you'd come to me a year ago and told me everything I'd go through, I wouldn't have believed you. Part of me still can't believe it. It's a fire that burned away part of me, and created something new. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's like a phoenix. Before now, I'd never thought about how painful it must be for the phoenix.

DB'ing may not save your M, but it can save YOU.

Awesome update Holding.

I really loved how you mentioned post D life has been like entering a world full of colors for you. It's so positive and heartwarming. Just been having this convo about the merits of DBing and it's good to hear you as another success story. I am just a few months shy from where you're at, but will be there soon.

Living in the past is in the past

H,

Great update dude! I have been hard on you at times and you always took it well.

Stay strong and enjoy the $hit out of life.

Rock on, H