She looks like herself I just don't see any spark in her eyes, any pep in her step, she just seems very flat to me. I don't see any excitement or compassion, everything appears superficial. Obviously I don't see her out with her friends and partying or on a daily basis so I try not to read much into it.
I have a few moments here and there but I do not experience anger on a regular basis and when I see her I don't feel angry either. I am confident with who I am and what I brought to the MR, her loss, she is a fool.
I feel some sadness at times but if I am real honest with myself she was a pretty crappy spouse. Truthfully I am better for it. I don't say that from a place of anger I say it from a place of confidence and out of respect for myself knowing that I sacrificed too much of myself and got little in return.
People change some for the better others for worse. It is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Lately I have been thinking about life experiences and if you live long enough you will experience good times and bad times, happy times and sad times. If I reflect on my life the happy times far outweigh the sad times and the good in my life drastically out numbers the bad. I truly am blessed and M so are you.
She looks really fake and superficial now. Like she’s trying really hard to show she’s all put together and successful modern woman - single mom with a demanding career. It looks forced.
I’m angry because of the following things and I don’t know how to get out of it:
1. Rejection and my hurt ego. 2. Being thrown and disposed like garbage 3. Seeing her looking all put together. Even though I can tell it’s forced, I’m bothered by her looking like everything is all fine.
I think its a lot to do with my ego and rejection. I need to get over this. Not sure how to do it.
She looks really fake and superficial now. Like she’s trying really hard to show she’s all put together and successful modern woman - single mom with a demanding career. It looks forced.
She looks that way because she is. She is trying on the new lifestyle like new clothes. They don't fit yet.it's unfamiliar to you but it is how she wants to be.
I’m angry because of the following things and I don’t know how to get out of it:
Let me tell you of a technique called reframing. The first step is what would it be if was OK? The second step is to imagine the opposite and then to consider using the replacement as your tool.
1. Rejection
What if it was ok to be rejected? What if being rejected meant opening the door to new things? What if this new W was a better W? What if this W wasn't what you needed or wanted?
and my hurt ego.
What if I said get over it already? What if I said it was ok to have a hurt ego, it was creating real shift?
2. Being thrown and disposed like garbage
What if that was ok? What if instead it was recycling? There is a lot of money in garbage. Someone once skipped a Hockney picture, lucky finder of that picture. What if one persons garbage is another's treasure?
3. Seeing her looking all put together.
What if it was great she was all together? Suppose she fell apart into drugs and prostitution Instead? How would that make your life difficult in 5 years? If she becomes successful won't that be better for you financially? Isn't this Ok and better than a dead beat?
Even though I can tell it’s forced, I’m bothered by her looking like everything is all fine.
What if it was ok? What if feeling fine was the better choice?
I think its a lot to do with my ego and rejection.
I need to get over this.
Can we drop the word need please? You don't need to do anything. Instead use the word choose as it creates opportunity and choice. Self talk? Try this instead.....
I choose to get over this quickly and easily. I choose to see my STBXW as a healthy thriving person in her own right as that is best for us all. I choose to accept that W has the right to a happy healthy life and I choose to know that is in every one's best interest especially mine and my finances. I can not like or enjoy it, but I can choose to accept it.
Not sure how to do it.
---------------------------
I would start by changing your self talk, and begin to move you to your goals.
You do have goals?
What are they?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It's good to hear your updates even though I wish your news would be about your wife returning, begging to reconcile and do anything it takes. The only thing I can think of, that may not fit well here, is to question Divorce Busters before you make your final choice. It's what we're all following, but if it hasn't brought you any results after all these many months, then you don't have much left to lose. You could always try asking your wife out to a coffee shop just to talk. You could tell her she looks beautiful. You could buy her a nice gift. Anything to break-the-ice and create an opening to re-connect without any pressure seems worthwhile to me. She's still your wife. Perhaps she thinks you're doing so great because you look great and she's trying to do the same. There's no way though this isn't affecting her. She must be thinking and feeling a lot of things about what's happened. If you have absolutely nothing else left to lose I think a goodwill gesture or two is how I'd proceed...
NicoleR, Maika tried something like you are suggesting above (back in September 2017 I believe...called it an experiment) and was told no, that the separation was permanent. Since then, she hasn't showed much, if any, movement toward R or that she might be regretting her decision or having second thoughts, so not sure why he would set himself up for that kind of disappointment again (or give her the satisfaction of knowing that he is still attached and wanting her back). Plus, it sets him back if she feels the same way as at BD, or so says the advice on here.
Maika, I do recall however that before Christmas you were gonna try extending yourself just a little, maybe try swallowing your pride (and anger) in certain situations to see if things might thaw somewhat and allow her to see the changes you've made by doing the odd family activity together...not pursuing but just accepting an invitation here and there or suggesting she join you and the kids in an activity.
Did that not work? Or did something happen recently? I get the sense something must have happened (OM suspicions?) because you seem to have got to the end of the rope rather suddenly. Or perhaps your patience has just run out?
Thanks everyone for the responses. I will try and address everyone’s comments. I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. I have some friends who overcame alcoholism and they were told that they would have a rush of emotions come back and they would be able to feel a lot more than they did before. I don’t know if that is similar when you quit smoking, but I feel like a wave of emotions have come up. I smoked to hold down my emotions and it was a mechanism to deal with my stress – smoking didn’t help with it, but it helped me to distract from it. Now I don’t have that distraction and so I have to figure out how to handle my thoughts and emotions.
J9: I am feeling kinda insecure I think. I see her put together and smiling and seeming like she has her $hit together (even though her appearance feels forced), and wonder how the hell she’s okay with all of this? I know she had a headstart with her initiating BD, but it looks like she’s moved on to a different life and has completely erased her past. At least this is my perception. She has a new fabulous friends, a high powered degree program that she’s in, and going places in the world and being some successful executive, while I am trying to just stabilize and figure out how to improve my career and finances and life. I feel like I am so behind her and I don’t see any improvement in my finances for at least 12 months. It just looks like she’s doing super great and that I was dead weight and garbage and now that she’s rid of me, she is living her life fully. As if I was holding her back – which I wasn’t. If anything, I supported and pushed her for her career and education goals. Anyways, just feel like I am left behind in the dust.
Vanilla: Thanks for that lesson on self-talk and reframing. You’re absolutely right. I need to do this to be able to move towards a positive mental space. You asked me about my goals. Here they are:
1. Quit Smoking – Done (Just over 2 weeks now since I quit) 2. Become healthy – I am working out and indoor climbing 3. Improve my financial situation and career – I need to spend time to figure this out. I am getting a small promotion soon, but I need to increase my income 4. Become mentally and emotionally stable and stronger – doing IC and being more reflective 5. Become less controlling – been doing good with this, especially during my time with kids 6. Reading/Writing – it’s coming along slowly; it dropped quite a bit because I decided to put all my energies and focus into quitting smoking. I needed all my strength for that, but now I can focus on other things 7. Getting my blood sugars/blood pressure under control – I am doing pretty good with this now and eating better
Nicole: I really appreciate your feedback. I know what you mean about going against DBing and trying something else if DB isn’t working. The last time I did it, she crushed me. I hated how I felt after that, but I knew that I had to do it to get clarity. I got clarity, but nothing else. I know that she wasn’t the best partner for me and I can’t take her back as is. So, if I do something to put myself out there, I am just going to get crushed again. I also don’t want her to think that I am waiting on her – which I am not anymore, but the door hasn’t closed completely. I’ll think about giving her a genuine compliment, but asking her for coffee or giving a gift is not going to work for me. I truly appreciate your feedback thought. Seems like we’re stuck figuring out how to do get a good response from our partners.
Slater: I definitely kept the mindset of swallowing my pride and being more positive around her, but she hasn’t invited me for any family activity at all. So, there hasn’t been anything for me to accept from her, and I am not sure if I want to invite her along to something at this point. But maybe I need to do that to see how she responds to it. She had told me that it would be nice to hang out sometime, and I had told her, okay, let me know. Nothing after that. She hasn’t initiated anything. There is nothing to give me hard suspicions about OM, but I find it hard to believe that she hasn’t gone out on more dates and maybe done more than that.
I don’t know why I am at the end of my rope so suddenly. My patience has kinda run out and I don’t know if I can just hang around. I know that patience is key, but I am feeling a bit down. I need to pick myself up. I will stick to the 12 months as I had originally planned, but I don’t know how much more I can do after that.
I’ve had a few nice interactions with some women lately and the attention has been nice. I became acutely aware of how vulnerable I was and that I could’ve done something that would’ve crossed the line. It did occur to me, but I was self-aware enough to not push it. I know that I just needed some human connection where someone was interested in me and who I was, and not necessarily romantically. It was just so nice to have someone spend time with you and be interested in you. I realized that I need that in my life. I want to meet new people and find someone who values me for who I am.
I just know that I am really emotionally vulnerable right now and my libido is also messing with my rational thinking. I am going to avoid putting myself in situations where I am going to test myself. I am just wanting to have a connection with someone else – not because that validates me, but I have been really missing it.
Thanks for that lesson on self-talk and reframing. You’re absolutely right.
I need to do this to be able to move towards a positive mental space.
so you chose to ignore!
You asked me about my goals. Here they are:
These aren't goals but wishes! The exercise one is sort of okish...
Goals require the following to be effective...
Specific Positive Actionable Time and date Achievable Current Full of passion Capable of visualisation
1. Quit Smoking – Done (Just over 2 weeks now since I quit)
Quiting something isnt a goal. Its an action. The goal is always the positive. Quitting is negative.
I am an enthusiastic non smoker, today my heart and my health improves daily.
2. Become healthy – I am working out and indoor climbing
I am healthier each day and I am passionate about working out 3 times a week. One of my new fun activities is indoor climbing and I do this once a week to improve my strength and agility.
3. Improve my financial situation and career – I need to spend time to figure this out. I am getting a small promotion soon, but I needto increase my income
oh dear! Really! There is that dreaded word again! It's your favourite word? It's in your posts everywhere on the board.. using it creates resistance, remember that time you needed to do your homework? Using need creates a real barrier, it is a weasel word goes in the bin along with the word try...
this.....
I chose to focus on my finances and today I cheerfully work on my career. I happily accept a well deserved promotion and I am taking X course and discussing opportunities with my boss by seeking monthly feedback....or whatever it is you are doing
4. Become mentally and emotionally stable and stronger – doing IC and being more reflective
I haven't a clue what this means or how it can be measured. IC once a month? Keeping a journal every day? This is pie in the sky.
5. Become less controlling – been doing good with this, especially during my time with kids
This isn't a GOAL! It is a non goal. What would less controlling be like?
I allow my children to state their opinions every day and I allow them their own views. I actively seeking to talk to each child twice a week and I validate their choices......
6. Reading/Writing – it’s coming along slowly; it dropped quite a bit because I decided to put all my energies and focus into quitting smoking. I needed all my strength for that, but now I can focus on other things
Then this shouldn't be on your list.
7. Getting my blood sugars/blood pressure under control – I am doing pretty good with this now and eating better
How, deadlines, actions....
------------------ I kick started your goals but they are just samples. Can I suggest you rewrite these as goals?
Let's have something you can work towards which is measurable and gets you to where you want to go.
Over to you
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Haha! Thanks for that. I am attentive to language but for some reason I still chose those words. A good reflection of not really being able to reframe and approach it differently. So, the 2x4 on that was good. Now onto the goals. Let's do a retry.
1. To be a committed ex-smoker on a daily basis so that I can keep climbing and being physically healthy.
2. I am improving my physical and mental health each day by working out at least 3 times a week, and going indoor climbing at least 2 times a week, with improved results in strength, agility, and focus.
3. I aim to make improvements in my career in the next 12 months by taking on a larger role on my team, identifying new skill sets and finding opportunities to learn them, and develop a 2-5 year plan for career development and increasing earnings.
4. I am committed to improving my relationship with my children by listening and validating their feelings, and giving them space to participate in decision-making on some things that affect them.
5. I am committed to reading/writing at least once a week. My aim is to finish a short story and send it out for publication by June of this year.
6. I am committed to improving my blood sugars/blood pressure by testing my blood and BP every day, taking the medications as needed, and creating a weekly menu with healthy food and cooking with passion and commitment.
7. I am committed to improving my mental and emotional well being by engaging in reframing my thoughts, understanding and processing emotions, taking a wider perspective, and having self-compassion and gratitude on a daily basis.
M.....I am sorry your are feeling the way that you do. It does appear that you are feeling insecure and something about your perception of your W has really struck a chord with you. Dig deep and determine why that really is.
I understand your desire and/or need to make more money to provide for your children/yourself. I also understand how that could make you more confident and secure in your future. Just know that it won't fix all of your problems. I make more than double what my W does and I am still in this situation.
Let me ask you this. You have often indicated that your W would have to make a bunch of changes and in your response to Nicole you even indicate that you know she wasn't the best partner for you. If that is the case why does it all matter? Maybe this is happening exactly the way it should be and your next R will be with someone who just loves M for M.
What values as a man do bring to a relationship? What are the good qualities about M that you can draw strength and confidence from? You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who wants to be with M whether he is making 50k per year or 100k per year.
Hang in there....keep your head held high. Appreciate all that you have and walk around with confidence. Maybe your not where you want to be in life or have the career that you had hoped for but IMO there is something to be said for those individuals who are happy, secure and confident with whatever they are doing or the situation they are in. If you flip burgers be the happiest, most confident and secure burger flipper ever.
I explored this deep with my IC when I had the same feelings you do. I felt like I wasn't smart enough, good enough, that I was not complex enough, that I needed to be more muilt-demensional and do a bunch of things that I wasn't interested in doing just to check a box or to win her back. I was struggling. Then a light switch went off in my head and I said F-that. I am who I am and I like what I like and if that isn't good enough for her (now) then I am not the one for her. I am a happy person. My IC told me that people chase happiness their entire lives and have never finf it and if you have found it you have something that many people would love to have. True contentment.
Truth is M people change. You stick to who you are, do you. Change some stuff if you want because you want to do it for yourself. Find your happiness h$ll maybe you already have and you just don't realize it .
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