She regrets not doing more to fix our marriage when she was unhappy. That she tried to express things, but it wasn’t enough. She blames herself for being where we are. She said, I did hurt her but she is the reason we are in this spot and it hurts her everyday and more importantly hurts her to know how much she hurt me. Then she said I was a great man and deserve more than what I can give.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I am going to give you my opinion and you can take it for what it's worth. Consider yourself lucky that you are going through this now and not 15 years down the road when you have a family. Your W has some issues that she needs to work out and if they are not tended to you will be in for a long a painful journey.
Many of the people on here including myself are dealing with spouses having identity crisis in there mid to late forties. IMO if she is having this at 28 she is dealing with deeper issues or just giving you a line of BS.
Again, I know it is hard but you should really consider taking this opportunity to walk away. There are plenty of normal women your age that would be grateful to have a guy like you.
Chris, I get the impression she's asking for your blessing to be able to move on with her life. She's having a hard time with her decision, and she's feeling guilty. But she has not hit the point where she WANTS to save the M.
I agree with LH that this is a good time to examine what your life with her will be like.
Our ego wants to "win", and winning in this situation is restoring the M. Our heart wants the comfort of the old M. Sometimes these two things blind us to a different path that may ultimately be better.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
For what I'm reading from you. I sense two things coming from your W. To me she seems to be trying to run away from the damaged she has caused. She thinks you will never be able to move on an accepted her because of what she has done. She also thinks if she gets away from it all she will get some understanding. But the reality is your can't run away from yourself. She caused the damage and no matter she's going to have to deal with her guilt and shame.
If you want to try and save your M then I would do it (it will be a lot of hard work on your part). If you want to walk away you still have done what many people take years to do and that's pick themselves back up after being hurt to their core.
You W needs to put in a lot of work, and she has to want to, it can't be you wanting her to. You all need to go and see a counselor that specify in M.
You can't stop her from walking away, but if you want some actions to take, you can make yourself an open canvas for her to talk about her feelings and emotions. You don't judge or demean her. She has to have time to clear her head, without out any outside influence, that includes you. She has to decide on her own to want back in, and if you are telling her how you feel, it will only cloud her mind more.
Give her space to think, I'm not talking about physical space, but emotional space. Don't include yourself in her feelings when she is talking about how she feels.
For example, if she says, I'm really having a hard time deciding to be in this M, you validate and say, I understand, it can be hard to make a decision about the future when you are feeling the way you feel. You don't say, I want you to stay even thou you want to leave. By saying the first statement, you are not applying pressure to her and you become a listener and not a fixer. She sees you have and understanding, and you aren't worried about your feelings but about hers.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey, Chris... How are you doing? I hope you are doing well, considering all that you have experienced lately... Losing your grandmother, reconnecting with your wife, and then learning that she is in a different place than working on your marriage... Lean on your friends and be good to yourself....
still nothing. We have hung out a couple of times; had some great times...but nothing more. But she still is not 100% on wanting to recon... Time is coming for me to make a decision because there is a huge mental, emotional, and physical void in my life... I cannot continue this limbo stage, and if she is not going to commit, I cannot hang on to hope much longer.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
still nothing. We have hung out a couple of times; had some great times...but nothing more. But she still is not 100% on wanting to recon... Time is coming for me to make a decision because there is a huge mental, emotional, and physical void in my life... I cannot continue this limbo stage, and if she is not going to commit, I cannot hang on to hope much longer.
I had the same attitude until someone here pointed out to me that limbo is the gift of time. You know what's best for you but you need to be able to look back with as few regrets as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sounds like decision-making time is creeping up on you. What are you struggling with in terms of deciding whether or not to move on or continue standing?
hey, Chris... i'm sure it's difficult to "pull the trigger." and perhaps you are not up for taking consolation in that:
a. you are young b. you have no children yet
when you love somebody and want to be with that person, those things don't seem to matter... but if she puts her desires away to be with you, those desires may come back later in life--when you do have children... when you've invested 20 years...
is she open to your walking away? what does she want for you?
