Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB Advice to a newbie

I wanted to ask...

Now that she is not coming over here in the mornings to get ready, (tomorrow will be day 3 into that). Our only interactions are kid related. What do you think about literally not calling or texting, unless its important?

I've done that for a day, maybe 2, I just don't know if that's giving her too much space? If that's even a thing at this point?

Why am I so hesitant and afraid to back off, even though eeevvveerryyything points me in that direction if I want a chance at saving it?

Subitai



Yes, its one of my biggest challenges. I don't know anyone here, so if I do talk to her she is the only person over the age of 7 that I talk to. Which makes it even harder.

I have seen people on here who have had great success with GAL, without breaking the bank. I'm just struggling to find it with having 3 kids all the time (grateful for that) and not a whole lot of money to waste on a sitter.

Glad to hear that I'm not the only one jumping at the first flirtatious comment I hear every now and then.

Correction...

I just looked thru my phone painfully as I'm trying to find the last time we talked (in any form) and its barely been 24 hours. And this is the longest its ever been since BD.

Actually it's the longest probably ever, other than while I was deployed to the middle east.

Wow. It feels like not communicating with her for the first 24-48hrs is the most painful thing I have ever done!!!

I think I have fear in 'doing nothing', because it feels like I'm not reacting or doing nothing when I should be doing something?!?!?! But it sounds like radio silence is my best bet at the moment.

No. You aent doing nothing. You are making a CHOICE to do nothing. Thats far more powerful than being a spectator. You are backing off and giving her the space that she is asking for. Yes, you should be radio silent unless theres something logistical that needs to be discussed. "Im confirming that you are taking the kids on XXX day" or "D is feeling sick - I gave her some tylenol, but we may need to take her to the doctor". Beyond that, what is there you need to discuss at the moment? You say that you are worried that she will slip farther away -- how much farther is there?


As for GAL, what are your thoughts on you being in charge of the kids every night? At least where I am, custody is determined based on overnights, so I would say technically, you already have full custody. There are TONS of ways to GAL even with kids - I know 25yearsmlc has made a huge list - volunteer at the kids school, volunteer to help coach one of their teams, look for workshops at the library during the day, do work on the house, look through your community bulletins, join a gaming group, and so on. You need to find something you are interested and pursue it. It will certainly be more difficult if you are the full-time parent. So make GAL a priority during the day while the kids are at school.

Like I said earlier - if you arent going to try to have full custody, it doesnt seem very fair for W to only have to parent when its convenient for her and you are there to pick up the slack all of the other time....

Her grabbing the green folder with the papers in it from where its been sitting for the last 3 months. That's my biggest fear right now. With that, I feel like every day that goes by that the papers just sit there... is a minuscule step forward for me.

Here is a great example of something that plagued me for a day and a half...

Our S7 came home with an adorable note from a girl in his class. W knows about the first one, I didnt tell her about this one. I asked my S if he'd like help in spelling some words to write back to her, which he said yes.

Today once he got home from school there was the third note from this girl, and on the back of one of my S papers, was this girls name written a bunch of times in my S handwriting.

So clearly our first venture in to 'feelings' or what you want to call it, because he is our oldest. We both found it adorable when we discovered the first note from the girl. My W even made a joke in front of me, to my S, about how to 'not' talk to a girl( while she looked at me in that smirk, because she was referring to me being cocky to her, which was our first interaction). I have seen a few mentions of going back to how you first were, when you first got together. And this happening to our oldest S, just brought up some good memories, atleast for the moment between us. I saw that type of smile I hadn't seen in months. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

So for the past 2 days or so I have been struggling with this. Do I share this with her (she has had zero interaction with the kids in 2 days or so) or do I keep it to myself.

I look to the future where we talk and I fill her in on something like this, and other milestones our small children are meeting.

I can't decide if I want to use these as a talking point and a reason to talk to W... Or something to keep to myself with the hopes that when she is told later down the road... she realizes what she's missing when she hears about all the kids growth...after its happened.

I received DR in the mail yesterday and finished it today. I want to read through certain parts again tomorrow but I found a great deal of clarity and strength in certain parts. Particularly the LRT, 180 and 'acting as if'.

I feel like I should be doing bits of each of those, but wonder if that is too much

I take it that means filing for divorce? How different would your life really be? I mean, at this point, shes moved out and had an EA....like, what else really is there that is scary? Sounds like you are clinging to a relationship status and a memory at this point.

Dont get me wrong - I believe that your marriage has value and that it is great that you are willing to stand for it in this time of chaos. My point is more that you shouldnt let your fear of the unknown or of some mystic word to stop you from reaching your goals.


I dont see any reason to go out of your way to talk to W about this. If you find yourself in an environment where you are lightheartedly chatting, then sure, you can bring it up. But I would not text her just to share this.


I remember being just like you and really focusing on the part where the book told me what to do. I breezed through the first chapters and really focused on all of the things that MWD said I should do if I wanted to get my W back and save my marriage.

Please keep reading all of it. In my opinion, the first two steps are so critically important, but also so easy to skim to get to 'the good stuff'. It is so valuable to take the time to look at your situation through a beginner's eye --> what values are important to you for a W, what ways should you act in a M, what does being married mean to you, etc, etc. Then, you get really set goals to help you grow. Not just "I want my W to move back home."

Going through that will really help you to understand the rest of the book and not just implement it because MWD told you to.

K....what A said is here is spot on. When I took this approach with my W it helped me realize my W had changed and what I wanted and valued in a MR my W was currently unable to provide. I have young kids so I was definitely willing to work on it with her but the point is this should help you grow, detach and gain confidence knowing that there are things you would want to be different as well if she returned to the MR. That maybe your spouse was not as good of a W as you really thought she was.

I have to be short tonight, but wanted to check in and read through my thread as well as others. I am going to get to reply to A and you J9. Thank you for the time

Lol, A you literally quoted my mindset as I was reading it.

J9- I don't remember if I have commented on your thread, but you are one of the 3 that i've read in its entirety, and grew some strength from.

Had a crazy day with the kids, but I wanted to ask you both, how you would handle a message from your W, in my sitch.

We haven't spoke in maybe 2 days, going on 3 maybe. Other than a 20 second schedule change she told me about, involving the kids. I made sure to end that convo as soon as she was through with telling me the important stuff.

So yeah we haven't spoke, and this is the LONGEST we have ever had silence. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, it's been hard. The first few days, not to just text something simple or what not.

She just messaged me a few minutes ago, and said "Hey I hope you had a good day"

My gut tells me, to not write anything at all. I feel like that is absolutely the 100% way to handle that. But like I was saying, I am just in un-chartered waters right now and it feels weird. Which makes me second guess everything even more so.

Was short tonight, almost just felt like I was journaling but it felt good to get stuff off my chest here. Thanks again. I truly appreciate the words of wisdom for everyone.

I can't put exact words on it. But I think that I'm scared that by not responding to her, I will be messing with a chance I had. There is absolutely no reason for her to message me hoping I had a good day. I worry that this is her way of reaching out, at least just to start a conversation?

And subsequently her saying "well, screw him, I tried to reach out"...

I'm thinking with emotions right now, which I know is not the best way to look, evaluate and execute things...

Hi Kilo,

I'm sure all on here wouldn't suggest NOT texting back after all that's not pursuing is it.

Again you need to respond in a DR way! She's asked if you've had a good time so tell her you did. Don't expand too much but enough to show her your going to be perfectly fine no matter what the outcome, please don't initiate just respond in a civil happy confident manner because that's what you are civil, happy and confident.

Take care.

Mark.