Bttrfly has given you "golden" advice. No gift on Valentine's Day. Make it a day of fun and celebration w/your children and invite her. If she participates, fine and if she doesn't, that's fine too.
Your wife still has a long way to go and she needs to be focusing on herself and her issues as much as possible. Leave her to it. Keep the focus on you and your children and leave your roommate to her own activities.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I agree about not initiating with any Valentine's gifts - though I might be tempted to have a little something in reserve just in case she does initiate? And don't feel - I got it so I must give it. Only give back if she gives.
I agree that a more open family - share the love - may be a good way to go. Though I wouldn't go too far with it - maybe baking a few heart shaped cookies with the kids or similar - light.
I also agree with Bttrfly's comments above. Please do not see your W as a partner just now. You are not actively rebuilding. Your D is on hold and there seems to be a halt (which may be permanent or temporary) with OM. Things could unfold in any sort of way and you don't yet know how. However, I would say that your W has been pretty lukewarm about the whole potential rebuilding and I don't see that she has really had a seismic, shaken to the core - I want my marriage to work - moment. And I think that moment is necessary - and things can go either way even with that moment. I think Cali's W did have that moment - and it was temporary - and his painful story is a useful reminder. I would certainly bear it in mind.
I believe the thing to aim for now - as Job says - is room mate. That's all. Cohabiting pleasantly, no pressure and doing your own things. Don't drift off with the GAL priority and lurk about at home hoping she'll initiate something. Make your own plans. In time, if she doesn't focus more actively on the marriage and rebuilding, you get to decide whether or not you can continue to live as room mates. It's always up to you...
But whatever else you do - remind yourself that having expectations will be a huge mistake. She is not your partner in life just now. And the less affected you can be by what she may or may not do the better...
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, and I hope what is being posted does help you on the next little leg of your marathon Gordie :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I really like this from bttrfly below. This is how I try to deal w/xw nearly all of the time. You will see this vary from my experience. Sometimes my xw participates and sometimes she chooses to be on her phone alone in the other room like a teenager.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
she can participate in IF SHE CHOOSES. Make it clear that she's included, but leave it up to her.
you will have a great day with your beautiful children REGARDLESS OF WIFE'S PARTICIPATION/LACK THEREOF.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
The doctor kept saying what a great H I was. That was a little awkward.
This should only have been awkward for your w and I think it was good for her to hear.
You've received a lot of good advice. Stay positive and keep the focus on yourself and the kids.
Gordie - this is, in my opinion, where we can be lulled into complacency with the live-in. She is stalling things and OM seems to be on the back burner which all seems positive. But, I am sad to say, I think someone in MLC is very adept at duplicity.
Looking back on it, I think my ex was in a sort of walking zombie mode. He had a few brief instances where he said he was working on the m, but it was all words. He was lost and just existing from moment to moment.
This is where detachment is paramount for us. You live for you and work diligently to put the pieces of your life in place so that if you discover OM is back or there is OM3, or she is back on the "I must file bus" you rebound faster.
The best thing I did, with the help of those here and support from family, was plug along moving forward step by step. Because if her heart and soul was in it, you would know it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I agree, do not initiate any Valentine’s Day gift. I would have a gift just in case she initates, I think you will feel better having the option of being able to reciprocate the gesture (that’s more for you than her). Just don’t read to much into it, gift or no gift, and keep those expectations to zero.
Do have a fun day with your children.
BTW, the doctor was right when he said you are great H.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just checking in and catching up .. I have been pretty busy as I am about to move here at the end of the week.
Just to chime in a bit ... yeah bro, no V-day gift but its not out of punishment and more out of just the awkwardness it would carry with it for both of you. I also suspect OM2 dumped her so she is probably hiding a bit of sadness that the euphoric relationship is gone, mine did the same (Only to later reconnect with him which brought on my BD and I left)
I have a buddy who still has his MLCr at home, much like in your case its a live in roommate and the family on the surface looks together as they do events but she will pick and choose when she wants to attend and he has opt'd just to place her in the extended family zone as he goes about his life the way he feels fit. Might not be a bad guideline for you to apply here and see if you can not outlast the crisis if that's what you are aiming for.
^^^ Yeah, not punishment, but no added pressure on her either was my thought. Create space for both of you to grow. And Sotto, how funny, as I was posting about doing something with the kids I was imagining Gordie and the kids baking chocolate chip cookies or something yummy like that! Great minds!
xoxoxo
Cali, good luck on your move!
Gordie, Happy Valentine's Day xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Butterfly—thanks. No Valentine’s gift. I have something small in case I need to reciprocate something. You are right and never apologize for being direct. Yes, she’s been clear that she doesn’t know what she wants. I am focusing on myself and my journey. I am reading one of the books on the recommended reading list. It is a self help book about letting go of fear. This is not my kind of book at all but I am reading through it slowly and trying to absorb the wisdom it is trying to impart. I think it overly simplified things but maybe I over complicate things?
SBJ—thanks brother. I have been busy with work and kids and gym and some other personal interests. I am continuing to teach Sunday school which is a blessing to me (and hopefully the kids too). My faith journey is my own. I converted to get married so this has been...complicated. There is a story in the Gospels about one spouse being taken up and the other left behind. The point of that story to me now is that we each have our own faith journey separate from our spouse.
Job/Kyh—trying that approach tonight. Kids and I can have fun and she can participate...or not. Yes, she needs to focus on her issues...I didn’t break her and I can’t fix her. I keep reminding myself of that.
Sotto—you are exactly right. We are not actively rebuilding anything. And yes, this could go in any direction and then another and another. You are never harsh. Yes, she is not my life partner right now. I don’t depend on her or ask her for anything. However, she is still dependent on me and asks me for things. Is that just cake serving?
Hawho—you are so right. I hate having those walls up around my heart but it seems the way I have to be now. I am living independently. She is no longer my best friend. I talk to my friends about my life. I talk to her more as my children’s mother but not my friend.
DNJ—got the backup gift. Great idea!
Cali—I love that perspective. She is an extended family member.
Sotto and Butterfly—o man, pressure is on to bake cookies. I haven’t done that in years. Maybe it’s time to put on that apron.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
G: I don’t have a plan and am trying to live one day at a time. I am trying to be happy irrespective of my M status. I am neither M not D right now and trying to be happy in that place.
M: And I know that you said that you are "taking the pressure off" of her..Are you doing it to induce a reaction from her ??
G: I am not trying to get a reaction from her. I am going against my ingrained desire for pursuit and wanting to show her how much I love her.
Mach:
Or because you are seriously tired of her bulllsiht and you are ready to just live your life...
???
G: You know what I’m really tired of? I am tired of never being enough for her. She always finds fault with me.
Mach:
What if you were to "just be" for a while...
Focus on you, and just lived as if everything was fine ??
Because you know what Gordie ?
Everything WILL be just fine..
Whether you remained married or not, YOU will be just fine...
G: thanks for the reminder. Yes, I am trying to be in this space right now. To just be. It feels a little weird. I don’t feel fine.
M: Do YOU want to be defined, as a Man, by your current situation and struggles ???
Do you wanna be sitting at the retirement home in 10 ? years , having other old peeps tell the newbs....
Thats just Gordie. He is still angry over his Divorce a few years ago...
OR...
You still have some major issues that YOU haven't addressed within yourself...
Why not take this time, work through them, and THEN see whats on the other side ??
You cannot lead from the back of the pack buddy....
G; No, I do not want to be that guy. Yes, I’ve got issues. I think I have been more focused on fixing the M and yes, I need to spend more time fixing me.
To be continued...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
