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Thanks for your time Mark.

Like a question that I already knew, your advice hit me and had me feeling silly.

I ended up messaging her back, the next day. I was confident and secure. This in itself if off the norm for us. I am always the one to respond. 90% of the time our talk end with ME responding and her stopping it. So something simple like this is different for both of us. And even though I come equipped with knowledge from reading and great advice for you on here...it still feels really weird, and just, off. I guess its the'180' sort of thing. Where if you don't do the norm, you're doing it right.

So today is about day 3 or 4 since gritting my teeth, finishing DR and deciding that I had to do a 180 for my best chance of saving my family.

Today was her 1 of 2 days off, so she came and grabbed the kids in the morning. She looked incredibly tired. I could tell. She was here for about 20 minutes, but we didnt really get into a solid conversation. Just small talk back and forth about her work really.

After she left with the kids, a few hours later, she text me telling me about how my oldest S laid on W new mattress and said "wow, I'd rather sleep on the floor Mom". I just made small talk back. <<<< Why does she bring things like this up. Like about how her new hours is terrible, and living conditions are so bad???? She put herself there, right?!?

Anyways, later in the night, she messaged me again about some small details with the kids and school, some logistical stuff. She ended it with saying that she would go to the store to get some materials for our son's school work. I could have responded with something like, "Okay" or "Great, thank you", but I didn't. I dint respond at all after she told me how she was going to handle the issue.

About 4 hours later she messaged me and said "OKay cool." "I guess we're done texting too".

I'm assuming she wrote this, because I HAVE ALWAYS Been the one to write back. Always. And I thought that since this is the first time in a decade that I left HER hanging...this is her getting agitated...

Anyways I wanted to ask a question that I think has some value to a lot of DB's her...

******* If you decide to 180, or go dark, or make any significant change.... What is your response when your spouse calls you out on acting differently???

You want to answer the question, but you don't want to 'show your cards'...

What do you all think?


Thanks to all that has contributed on here. Weather you know it or not, you've seriously helped someones life and aided them in atleast sleeping for the night. So thank you.

For me, I think I would have done this in reverse. In Case 1, I dont see any reason to respond to that. If you want to say something like "haha" or "lol" or whatever youd typically respond, then fine. I certainly dont see any reason to 'make small talk'.

On the other hand, Case 2 is something that directly impacts you and your son. I assume by her doing that, it means you dont need to go to the store. Or it's something your son will have for school to improve his work or whatever. In this case, I think it is good to reply to acknowledge her efforts for S.

Kilo,

Firstly can I ask if an OP has been confirmed? I see a possible EA is this still the case..?

“If you decide to 180, or go dark, or make any significant change.... What is your response when your spouse calls you out on acting differently???” < Look into Sandi’s “rule” No.17. In fact re-read them all...

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

I don’t think there are specific things you can say it’s down to your understanding of your W you know her best! < No mention of DR that’s for you only…

Re-read the validation thread from Cadet, look into “charge neutral” and stay cool, calm and classy. Key is to be consistent and remember you do DR’ing for you NOT as some kind of tactic to win her back she’ll see straight through it.

You know not to pursue LET HER DO THIS then when she does (and she will) be smart, civil and confident with a smile on your face always knowing that you’re in control of your future and that of your children.

Enjoy the time, let her do all the work have a good PMA and stick to your boundaries.

You’ve got this don’t stress about something you can’t control it’s not worth the mental anguish.

Mark.

Yeah I see your point. I think in the beginning, it is hard to clarify what is essential communication, and what can be left out.

I'm doing okay, its just those times where my kids have went to bed for the night, and I'm left with a quiet house and just my thoughts. And more often than not, my brain takes me down these worst case scenario's and has to remind me of the situation.

Parkema,


Yeah I confronted her one day and she did confirm that she had gotten close to OM emotionally. She apologized for shutting me out, but was transparent from what I could see.

I used to struggling with the above topic. All the negative emotions from realizing the EA. But since reading DB , DR, and talking on here...I don't dwell on it any longer because its only going to drag me down and my DB'ing harder.

I honestly don't think it is still happening. Still work at the same place, and I guess it makes me look ignorant, but I really don't think its anything inappropriate. Also, am I wrong for not caring if it was? I feel like that is only going to hinder me, from being the best possible version of myself and have a PMA.



Yeah this is extremely hard. Maybe not pursuing, just initiating small talk. But I am proud to say that I have been doing an excellent job at it.

I saw her this weekend when she came to house to pick up kids. She could have timed it differently, but she showed up like an hour before they came home from the bus. I was doing laundry while watching a movie, so I just continued what I was doing.

I was there, present, but I wasn't initiating topics of conversation. I did ask her how work was at one point, and she went on for about 5 minutes, just venting about normal stuff. It felt good to have that interaction.

I knew she was leaving soon, so I decided that I would leave first because I had some errands to run. She asked if I was leaving and I said yes, as I gathered my keys, jacket etc... and she approached me and put her arms up for a hug. After the normal time you'd hug someone (2-3 seconds ish) I released but she held on tighter. It lasted about 20 seconds maybe. I didn't say anything and she didn't either.

Once that happened, I turned to kiss my D and when started towards the front door, I caught a glimpse of her face and it was read and she was teary eyed.

I don't know what this means... but I am really trying to NOT LOOK INTO IT. I've seen quotes about this from many, so I don't want to get any sort of false hopes, let my guard down, or change my day to day personal game plan.

Of course, non the less it felt great.


After the weekend and on her last of 2 days with them, we realized that one S had left his library book at the house (mine). I told her I'd bring it to her since the kids were already sleeping. I didn't jump at it, and I told her I'd be over there in about an hour.

Once I got there, she invited me in and showed me around since it was my first time there. It felt really weird and wrong seeing some of her\out stuff in a different house. So I made the showing me around short. She pretty much just complained about how it was in a busy neighborhood (we have a lot of land and privacy at our original home). So after just a few minutes inside, she asked if I wanted to smoke a cigarette with her outside. I did, and we just had small talk about kids, work, whatever. There was some flirting and joking around, that were initiated by her and I played it cool. The same way I used to be when we first met and I felt really good about it.

Again when I told her I had to leave, she initiated a hug again, for another good amount of time.

When I saw her today as she dropped our D off on her way to work, it was a quick interaction due to time. She did make a comment to me about her day, which is more of something she would tell me back in the day. So for the past 5-6 days, she has been joking, a little flirty, talkative.

I absolutely see a difference in her, and I since I started DB, living by sandi's rules to the best I can. It's so against me to be short and not available, and be incredibly happy, confident etc...

So I'm not getting false hopes. I'm still very aware of all the negative emotions and sadness that this brings. I am just taking it one day at a time, but it felt good to leave eachother with a smile for a change.

Thanks for the words of confidence, they mean the world to me.

Kilo,

I've not been here for long, but kinda in the same sitch except mine is worse. One thing that has made a difference for me is "NO MORE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK". Our minds have over 50,000 thoughts a day. But when we go through sitches, most of them are typically the same negative junk. This is a battle, except the greatest foe can be YOURSELF. Go to youtube and search for "marriage restorations", and see how others have come out stronger on the other side. I am amazed at how much better I feel. There is a balance between false hope and reality. But you are reading alot, getting info into your head about what you did and how you could do it better. That's awesome, because you can't fix what you won't own. Hope for best and prepare for the worst. Keep your head up, soldier. It's gonna work out, either way!

Thanks man. Regardless of how long you've been here it all hurts the same. That's why this exsists!

I've had my own battles with brain injuries and ptsd, and if I learned one thing... Its that at times, I am my own worst enemy.

The hardest part though, is putting thoughts into actionm and doing those action items everyday, all day.

I could have an outstanding day, but then trail off an hour before bed and let me brain go to negative town... And it erases my entire day of good that I worked so hard for.

Thank you for the search suggestion. I'm doing that now as we speak.

Hi Kilo,

One of the hardest things I’ve read and experienced within situations is the “temperature checking”, I’ve had this presented to me three times and each time fell for getting involved in a R conversation!

Here’s the thing – this ^^^ is NOT for your benefit, she’s beginning to feel a loss of power within the R or a loss of control based on your management of your situation. This scares her as she doesn’t feel 100% comfortable that her EA or PA is going to last so need that fallback option, you can literally prepare for the cycles..!

Kilo please don’t underestimate how an EA can be any less damaging than a PA, you really need to keep doing all the DR’ing you have been and look after your kids and you. Forget about her let her get through her issues don’t try and fix things for her. Look for signs NOT WORDS but actions that steadily prove to you that she is remorseful and willing to work at the MR, the signs are good BUT every temp check is!

I find it so difficult to give advice so take what I say with a pinch of salt but I feel that you will either find her give you the cold shoulder over the next few days/weeks OR carrying on doing as you posted. Maybe the vets can chime in here but I feel if this continues consistently then you could be well on your way to bringing this to a successful conclusion.

Rooting for you.

Mark.

Lets not mince words here. She had a secretive emotional connection with another man. Thats inappropriate, workplace or not.

That said, youre right. It doesnt really matter right now. Just make sure you are aware that she could be doing all sorts of stuff with all sorts of people right now, and you would have no idea. So be smart and protect yourself - emotionally and physically (should things head that way).


I think your interactions were overall pretty good. I will warn you to not be too available. I feel like you acquiesced to her every desire in what you wrote. Come over an hour early? yes. Long hug? yes. Come inside? yes. Have a cigarette? yes. I think it's important to remember that people value the things that arent easy to acquire. If you are always willing to bend to whatever she asks, then it makes it seem like you dont have anything else to do or that all you want to do is be with/near her. I would say after going through her house, making like you had something important to do would have been a better choice.

I dont think little things like this are going to make or break your opportunities for R. I more think that it's a mindset that you want to have. "My time is valuable. I deserve to be valued."

I had gotten some really solid advice on this thread earlier, about being her safety net. It just came naturally to me being early in this process, and out of habit. But I was doing it wrong. I made myself out to be there any time she needed anything or wanted anything. Even just a quick chat.

So yeah, thats something I'm still trying to work on. Is how available I am, or how eager I seem. I know how I need to act, and the mindset I need to have, its just hard and goes against what comes natural. But like I've read multiple times, the DR'er needs to do the OPPOSITE of what s\he have been doing.



I absolutely have not forgot how I felt the day she told me about EA. And it hasn't left me really. With that being said, by having that thought out of my head, I think it gives her less emotional control over me.

Thanks again for your guidance and words of encouragement!