Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Second cycle of MLC

Prior to first bomb drop, she was going out alot and partying with a new group of girlfriends much younger than her. She had a close friend that she lost, and was saying things like "you only live once". Yes, she was getting a lot more attention from guys after weight loss and admitted to an EA prior to reconciliation. This wasn't brought up during MC and was probably a mistake on my part. During the time in between the BDs, I caught her in another EA, which she apologized for and I forgave her for. Prior to BD 2 she had plastic surgery and was taking alot of selfies. She has a 40th birthday coming up and recently said something to the effect of "life is too short to be unhappy". Says she needs to be "selfish" and when I brought up how D will affect kids, she says she needs to "think of herself". The chapter on midlife crisis in DR really jumped out at me and I think describes my W behavior pretty well.

I think labeling it makes things easier for me to deal with, especially if it follows a script. I feel like I've been a decent, loving husband who has made mistakes, but am now being blamed for her all of her unhappiness.

I think I understand cake-eating and I am guilty of allowing her to do this. She is still open to doing things as a "family" which I still enjoy. She uses the term "family", which gets me. I know some suggest going dark/dim, but I've taken the approach of matching her distance. I think I can deal with her cake-eating as long as there isn't a PA. I try to look for positive signs and although things still get bad I think the overall trend is still more positive than at BD2. She still rages, but if I see her as a person suffering then it makes it easier for me to let it slide and not engage. I try to validate and listen when I can.

I think she's trying to process a lot, and said one of the reasons for getting her own place was to "be able to think". Recently she said she needs IC, although she hasn't followed through.

Alot of things are just weird this time around. BD2 was delivered while she was nude. She's admitted to being a "terrible wife".

Admitted to "spending too much". Finances were a source of contention during our relationship. Since then, she's called me "honey" a couple of times and said "love you" ending a conversation. I take them as verbal slips, but still. She occasionally asks for hugs. Has a picture of the "family" at her new place. Has invited me over for breakfast at her new place a couple of times, with the kids there. I'm hoping for R, but preparing for D as she still brings it up, most recently today.

Exercise is very important to me. I've always been in good shape and have kept up my exercise routine through this. I lost weight from anxiety and loss of appetite after BD2, but have regained the weight back plus two pounds. Eating does wonders to your state of mind. Funny how acquaintances would comment on how great I looked when I lost weight. If only they knew the amount of hurt....

Writing about all of this is helping a great deal, too.

Thanks for being so welcoming! Happy New Year to you!

Thanks for this link. W def shows some of these signs of depression. I'm trying to be supportive of her as possible, while making my own changes to better myself.

Wife has recently been asking "Do you want to talk about anything?", with a serious look on her face. I've been looking for signs of her wanting to talk about relationship, but have been cautious about being baited into an argument and just happily answering "No" as if everything's ok. Should I take her asking this as an opening to talk about relationship? Or too soon? BD was two months ago.

You could say that you'd be happy to listen.

I think I would turn the tables and ask her if she wants to talk about anything and that you will be more than happy to listen. If she brings up relationship talks, you can always change the subject, say you have something to do or run an errand. No one is saying that you have to stay there and listen to a bunch of BS, if that she starts dishing up.

Thanks for the advice AndrewP and Job. I like it. I've been walking on eggshells around her, and I tend to second guess my actions. I probably overanalyze things too much and need to get to a point where I can relax around her.

Posted this on FastCars thread, but wanted to include the gist of it here:

After most recent BD, my W has said "I want something different than this R". I took this as her wanting to be with another man. But most recently has said "I want to be alone".

Hopeful that this is a sign of Stage 1 Acceptance, where she is confused and trying to figure out what she wants exactly. Hearts Blessing description of this stage includes a lot of apologies from the MLCer. My W has apologized for "being a terrible wife" and "spending too much in the past" in addition to a lot of little things lately that I haven't expected apologies for.

But I know there are no guarantees we'll recon! Just nice to be able to understand a little more about what she's going through.

hispeed,

I don't think she's hit Acceptance yet...she's still in replay and she's not wanting to be alone. Yes, she wants something different than the relationship she has w/you. She wants someone who is fun, won't question her and, of course, no responsibilities. If I am correct, the comment about being alone is to distance herself more from you so that you don't get your hopes up. I could be wrong...but time will tell.

Generally, when they hit the deep, dark depression, withdrawal will come alone and they don't announce that they want to be alone...they just slowly disappear for a while.

As for apologies, some of them will apologize and then turn around and do the same stuff again and again. The guilt of what she's done and is doing will make her feel bad for a while and by apologizing and you accepting the apologies, relieves her guilt. It could also be a way to keep you "hooked" into the situation...but again, time will tell. They like to know that we are right where they left us.

The stages of MLC are just a guideline, just as the timelines. Words are just words...what are her actions telling you?

I would continue moving forward and keep the focus on you. If she is truly waking up, she will do the hard work if she wants to reconcile w/you. Time will tell. Again, I'm sorry for being a Debbie Downer, but I think she's still experiencing replay behavior. I hope that I am wrong.

Job, I very much appreciate your take on things -- Debbie Downer or not. Absolutely, her separation can be simply to distance herself from me. We did separate in the MH for awhile, and she did say that she wanted to move out to start the 12 month separation clock towards a divorce. My feeling is she was really conflicted about this and rushed into separating from the MH. I know that I could be naïve and way too hopeful on this.

What do you think about the separation being her way of showing withdrawal? I ask this because she has always been a big time extrovert -- one of the reasons why I was attracted to her when we first met. In a room full of extroverts, she would be the biggest one. It's just difficult to see her ever just holing up somewhere and eliminating all contact from everyone. I do believe that recently, she has reduced contact to a large degree from most everyone except her new group of friends. Even with them, if what she had told me is true, she has been cancelling dates she normally wouldn’t with them. Come to think of it, she did ask me at one point after BD2 whether she should quit the gym that she met these new group of friends from. Another reason why I think she's conflicted about things. As much as I wished she did quit that gym, I said "no” she shouldn't because I thought it brought her joy, and working out is a positive thing.

After BD1 she displayed much more classic actions of replay like the excessive partying and going out with girls much younger than her. She's hasn’t been doing this after BD2. I knew she was having an MLC after BD 1, but didn't know about the stages of MLCs at the time. Looking back, I don't think she showed any signs of the Depression stage and like you suggested, she never finished her MLC.

I'm hopeful of recon, but preparing for D. I should be ok if it comes to D, but just [censored] that the goals my W and I set together, that she's since made a point of nixing after BD2, aren't going to be reached together. It’s tough for me to shake the feeling that we can still be great together.

Oh, saw that you recommended The Solo Partner by Phil DeLuca somewhere, and I’ve ordered it. Think I need to hone up my dance moves on pursuit and distancing.