Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers waw maybe #2

BH,

Make no mistake about it I am trying to help. Did you show your IC the letter? When you say she is at her limit, would do you mean?

Just so you know I was at times controlling in my M so it is easy for me to recognize the signs.

I am a big advocate of learning from your mistakes.

Yes I did show my IC the letter and she said you were in desperation mode and clearly trying to do anything to sae you M, this is why you do not write a letter when you are distraught.

I spoke to W for 1 hour yeaterday, the first time we talked in a week, I asked her point blank do you feel like I was controlling and if so it would help me moving forward. She said no she just felt like a single mom doing everything with the kids by herself.

She stated the reason she filed when she id was b/c it seemed like I didnt want anything to do with her, that she was trying to say hello to me and I would not give her the time of day. She also said that she does not want anyone to know anything just in case we were to R. Not that she thinks we are but its no ones business what we are going through. I really do not believe her and I think she is just being nice so that the Negotiations go in her favor.

I will post more soon I did not have a lot of time today.

Yeah that can be a big factor. We see that a lot here where a W seems understanding at first but then later drops the bomb and complains that the H was "never around" and "working all the time".



You may very well have not been controlling, or at least not enough for it to be a source of the breakdown of the M. We try to look for warning signs here but we're just getting a part of the picture. Most who come here try to focus on communicating what the problems were, and often that probably makes things seem a lot worse than they really were. The overall picture may be completely different. So just take what we say as suggestions rather than laws. You have to decide for yourself whether the suggestions apply, and how much.



Great, that's what's really important!

Its an interesting thing. In my M, things started out relatively evenly split with household work. My W (GF at the time) always did more probably 60-40 around the house. At the time, we were both in college and I had a part time job. The unevenness was due to me working to support the both of us. As we made it out of college, she started doing more and more around the house until it was probably 95-5. Granted, at the same time, I was adding more and more work to my plate. I ended up with a full time job, and several side jobs as my skills were more marketable at higher rates than hers were. She worked on on our rental properties, which worked out to perhaps 20% employment (based on a regular employment schedule). Her schedule would be a month of non stop work and then off for several months. During the month of work, she would be away from the house and I would sustain household chores etc myself.

This was an arrangement that happened over time, but was something we talked about occasionally and that I thought we were both in agreement over. On several occasions she mentioned that she was grateful that I was able to provide for her in the way that I did, so that she did not have to work minimum wage like she did for a time during our relationship. I expressed to her that I was only able to work as many jobs as I was because she ran the house basically completely. This is not to mean that I would make a mess for her to clean up or that I went out of my way to be a slob. She did laundry, took out trash, cut grass, vacuumed, cleaned etc. I would do dishes and help clean if we had guests come over.



One thing that strikes me is that during some of the talks that we had post BD, she said something along the lines of, "You did everything you were supposed to do to provide for your family." If that is the case, how did I end up here, right?

Seriously? That may be the worst excuse I heard yet.

It is hard to imagine how anyone has any kind of life working 16 hours a day. I mean, after you got off work, there was only 8 hours left. How do get in your sleep, spend time with your kids, have one on one time with your W.......in just 8 hours?

I don't know how you did it.

Because we truely loved each other and we made sacrifices for our children. I can now look back and see where things have gone wrong. I know now because all I needed was a wake up call like most of us here.

Updating:

I believe my W filing has relieved some pressure from both of us and we are communicating well. She is looking forward to a big party on Sat. night and said she really wants to have some fun. I realize now that I did not understnad DB at all, many of us don't. It is not easy to do...

I applied for a job last week and had an interview today, it went well and I am getting scheduled for a second interview next week. This new job would be day hours and the hours are flexible. Remember I currently and have for a long time worked overnights sometimes 12-14 hours a day. The new job would pay more and I would sell my business that I currently own. W does not now about any of this.

W has been told that the house has to be sold and she is not happy about it. At the current moment her Lawyer has stopped communicating with my lawyer. She has been pleasant to be around and I can tell you that it is extremely hard not to say to her lets go out for lunch.

I just also want to emphasize that my W is a true WAW not a wayward, I have been trying to read up more on this but the information is not readily available. I am giving her all the space in the world and I can tell she has really lightened up.

Journaling,

Went to an outstanding party last night where no expense was spared, everything was great. Me and my children danced the night away and the drinks were flowing. My MIL asked me whats wrong with my W because she didnt want to dance. I said that I dont know maybe you should ask her. She then asked if there was something going on between us and I said again that is something you need to talk to W about.

We took a taxi to and from the event and the woman taxi driver was complimenting our family and told my W that she should be very proud because she has a beautiful family. Wow couldnt ask for a better compliment from a stranger. She even asked if she could come out with us next time we go out, it was a fun ride home.

I cannot believe this but I am slowly but surely detached I do not have my W on my mind that much anymore and I am considerbly happier.

I would like to post more about current sitch involving lawyers but I cannot reveal what is going on in case there is a way my W could read this. The reality is that W is not going to be cashing out like she thought.

Enjoying the party with your children and not worrying about the W is exactly what you need to be doing. I do believe the best chance at reconciliation is giving her space and time. And even if you still end up D'ed, this is also the best way for you to start to emotionally detach and be a better person able to get on with and enjoy your life.

I'm curious how the living together after she filed is going for you since I'm in the same sitch.