Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBS - need advice

Also, she has begun the process of getting her own checking account, debit card, etc. It appears she's talking all the necessary steps to separate entirely. I'm honestly not sure what to make of the situation. The only thing I can think is that she's made her mind up

YUP - they all say that.

Apothem,

Very sorry you're here. It's a very familiar story. There are two things you're going to be very tempted to do right now that are both completely counter-productive:

1) You're going to try to cling to her leg like your life depended on it

2) You're going to review every detail of your history together and try to solve it like a math problem so you can figure out what you did wrong and fix it so this will never happen to you again.

In the first case, let's look at what's going on with each of you:

Her: You are right that she got to a breaking point. When you're in a relationship and living with someone there's a huge motivation to keep the peace and pave over disagreements.

As that happens, resentments begin to build, and if the underlying behaviors continue the resentments pile up. Usually this creates a cycle of bad behavior where your resentments lead you to treat the other person in a less than ideal way, and they then resent you and treat you worse and around you go.

When things get bad enough, one person looks to leave the relationship and suddenly the whole landscape shifts from the resentments being in the background to the resentments being in the foreground. At that point, their mission in life is to "start feeling better as soon as possible" and the road to that is usually getting away from you as quickly as possible, even though that is irrational.

If you then resist their efforts to get away from you, by begging, pleading, shaming, or making them feel guilty in any way, they resent you even more, and that resentment piles up on top of what's there already. Talking to her family? She resents you for that. Talking to her friends? She resents you for that. Trying to talk her back into the relationship? She resents you for that.



She *wants* you to stop caring because that will let her off the hook so she can focus on healing and stop focusing on getting away from you.

She doesn't want you to be mad at her, she doesn't want you to resent her, she just wants you not to *need* her and to *expect nothing from her*. That's what she wants. That's the gift she wants you to give her.

You: When your spouse leaves a relationship unexpectedly, you feel a tremendous loss of control. Suddenly your life is upside down and you didn't do one specific thing you can point to that should elicit such a dramatic response. That's hugely anxiety provoking, because it suggests your life can suddenly completely go to sh!t at any time and its totally outside of your control.

No one can live with that feeling, so you are subconsciously desperately trying to get your control back. Your brain is telling you that the fastest way to regain your control is to get W back, and that's why you're driven so hard to pursue her.

The fact is, and you probably intellectually know this already, that there is no way to negotiate yourself back into this, there is no path to "nice" your way back at this point. It simply will not work, full stop.

Your brain will try to tell you "that's true for everyone else, but not for my wife, not for my relationship, we are different because..." Not true. Talking doesn't get you back in. You can't solve this like a math problem.

So what do you do?

There is only one prescription: (1) focus on regaining your feelings of self-control in other ways, (2) give her the gift of freedom, (3) be the best option for anyone including your W by making yourself the best man you can be, even when no one is looking.

That is literally all you can do, and pursuing W right now will only make your situation exponentially worse.

For any interaction you plan with her, ask if she will resent you more or less for doing it. Ask if she will see you as her adversary or on her side (in the interest of getting her freedom). Ask how it will make *you* feel afterwards, more in control or less in control?

Answer those questions and that's your answer about what you should do.

Some suggestions:

1) Focus on small improvements. If you feel like a "1" right now don't focus on feeling like a "10", focus on feeling like a "2", then focus on feeling like a "3". Small incremental steps.

2) Take on projects to restore your feeling of control. Go to the gym with the goal of losing weight or getting in better shape, take on a home improvement project, rebuild a bicycle, take on things where you can see progress and feel proud of what you've done.

3) Meet new people, get validation from people other than your wife. Join a club, go to a meetup, join a sports team, etc.

4) Limit interactions with your W to a bare minimum and keep it focused on logistics. The shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction. Give her space to miss you.

5) Figure out who you want to be, not by looking back and beating yourself up over your mistakes, but by looking forward, defining who you will become, and then live it, even when no one is looking.

Don't worry about whether or not W will see any changes you're making. If she thinks you're doing it for her benefit she won't believe it's real anyway. The only believable changes are the ones you do for yourself.

Don't worry about reassuring W that you love her and care for her. She knows, you've made it clear, now give her space. She doesn't want you to reassure her that you love her, that will only make her feel guilty. Even if that was a past complaint, this is 100% the wrong time to address that. In fact, making her wonder if you care or not will work to your advantage.

People value that which they have to work for, and do not value that which is freely given. Be a person of high value.

Be kind to yourself, this is a very difficult time for you. There is no rush to heal and no clock is ticking, despite how it might feel.

Good luck to you and sorry you're here.

--Acc

Accuray,

Thank you for that. It was incredibly insightful and has helped me navigate how I want to spend my time. It also reinforced her need of space and the time I have been given to improve myself to be the best possible person I can be. I truly appreciate you writing all of that as it is invaluable information for me.

My pleasure, this situation is incredibly difficult. Most people have real trouble following the guidance in the DB books because it takes an incredible amount of discipline.

If people were good at self-control everyone would be thin and healthy.

I have a friend whose wife gave him the ILYBINILWY speech. He said "I'm sorry you feel that way, good luck to you. When will you be moving out?"

Then he just went cold turkey on communication with her and started living his life.

Not long after she felt like she'd made a big mistake, his willingness to give her up made her question where the value really was in the relationship -- with her or with him?

Suddenly her "freedom" looked like loneliness and uncertainty.

Not long after that she was desperate to come back. Did he welcome her back with open arms? No, he had conditions, he was a prize to be won. She had to go to therapy with him and if she missed a session? Done. etc.

Don't mistake this by assuming he didn't care that she left -- he was *devastated*, he was reeling, he was going through the grief and loss that all of us go through, but he didn't let her see that, and he realized that his very best option was to give her the space she wanted and to occupy himself with improving his own life.

That is completely unintuitive because your pursuing brain tells you that you're telling your spouse you don't care and reinforcing all their complaints about you, but that's just your inner baby intent on getting what it wants.

Giving space is the best path. Staying emotionally entangled with her through continued intimacy makes your path harder and requires lots more discipline. The space is for you as much as it is for her.

Acc

Once again, thank you for the wonderful insight. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm confident that I can handle it and make it through this a better person. My only fear is that the first week and a half or so where I pleaded with her may have ruined our chances of reconciliation. But, then again this is still fresh.

So I did something I probably shouldn't have and looked at her browser history...

I found her looking up astrological signs and compatibility with a specific sign. I then noticed she started searching for the birthstone for that sign. Then, she started to lookup rings for that birthstone and over the last two days has been researching how to file for the divorce.

I'm actually really concerned there may be another party involved and I have no idea how to handle this.

I would say it doesn’t change any of the advice you’ve been given.

Oh yeah. And absolutely do NOT tell her anything you saw or ask her any questions about anything related to that right now. Snooping isn’t good for you as it can quickly become an obsession that just hurts you. But at the same time, there is value in intel - keep it close to the vest.

Yeah, I don't plan on bringing it up. Also, I am no longer going to snoop as the pain is far too great. I'm just going to continue down the path I was walking.