I know you're trying to protect them and their relationship with their mom. I was just warning to swing the pendulum to neutral and be careful of it swinging too far the other way. You weren't way over on your W's side, there, but excusing her actions may make the kids feel like they're not being heard, and they really need to be heard by you right now. They need you more now than they probably ever will again in their lives, so make sure it's about them, their feelings, and their experiences, not about your W when they want to talk.
Validating can easily turn into agreeing with their feelings, which can sneak into alienation, which is why I had a warning about that.
Keep up the good work you're doing, and perfect and correct as you go along. That's about all any of us can do.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
This is a super tough situation you're in with the kids and the homeschool angle. I don't believe you're using the homeschooling as a lever to keep her in the house, but if you are I'd try to train yourself not to think of it that way.
If you truly believe that your kids would be better served by going to public or private school right now, then you should tell your W.
This is not her decision alone to make -- you have an equal say in the matter, and if it goes in front of a judge you will likely prevail.
Your situation will benefit by you standing up to your W, and this is an opportunity to do so -- strongly.
Secondly, the responsibility for maintaining the relationship between your daughters and your wife does not fall on you. It also does not fall on your daughters -- it is your wife's responsibility.
Her current behavior of having tantrums and then doing "silent treatment" is immature in the extreme and should not be tolerated by anyone, including your daughters. That is toxic behavior and their lives would frankly be better off without that influence.
If she can't behave in a manner necessary to maintain her relationship with her adult children, that is her loss. Perhaps that loss will motivate her to do the work necessary to restore the relationships, or maybe she'll continue to regard herself as a victim forever.
Your daughter deserves a relationship with an emotionally healthy mother. If your W isn't up for that, your D is better off cutting her off.
Acc
Last edited by Cadet; 01/31/1810:12 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I was just warning to swing the pendulum to neutral and be careful of it swinging too far the other way. You weren't way over on your W's side, there, but excusing her actions may make the kids feel like they're not being heard, and they really need to be heard by you right now. They need you more now than they probably ever will again in their lives, so make sure it's about them, their feelings, and their experiences, not about your W when they want to talk.