1. I WILL get the new job where H works 2. I WILL lose weight 3. I WILL get more kisses from H 4. H WILL love me with a passion again Repeat 50x a day...
Well, here's where I stand. 1. Did not get the job, the recruiter (whom I do bookkeeping for on the side) said I was overqualified. I would have been bored. I still wanted to be near H again. 2. I am down 2 lbs this week after an awful week last week where I went UP 4 lbs 3. H has been initiating kisses on my cheek a lot lately. Once today, twice yesterday, and several times the day before. Not lovey type kisses, just sort of melancholy feeling connection kisses. But, I'll take 'em. 4. H is up and down. I think he cares, I don't think he cares. He's like two sides of the same coin. I think he loves me and doesn't realize it yet. Or is it that he doesn't love me but is doing loving things in the hopes that the feelings will follow?
Not out of the question. He married his first W after she got pregnant and told me that he felt he would "learn" to love her. He never did.
I'm not her, though, right?
Oh well, woulda coulda shoulda... I can't know what is inside him. He hides from me lately.
Kind of interesting insight into H. I asked him today why he felt so much love for his first girlfriend. (He was talking about her to a friend over the weekend.) She was a partier, cheated on him, walked all over him, didn't have too many good traits. He thinks she just dated him for his car and because he had money. He says "she was pretty and acted like she liked me."
Well, she never really loved him but he still chased her for a long time. Even got a tatoo to remind him of her after he lost her. (a rose to remind him not to hold on too tightly or he will get the "thorns.")
Anyway, I'm wondering if H has this need (because he doesn't really like himself too much) to have a woman who will never really love him as much as he loves her. In other words, to have someone he feels he can't really have. He says he loves to chase, he thinks it's half the fun of a relationship. Maybe I am too available to him and too in love with him?
Then, yesterday, we were bike riding and I had a hard time making it up a hill. I stopped and sat, angry at myself. Then, I said (inside my head) NO! You WILL do this, you WILL lose weight, your heart WILL get stronger. I got up and did it. Today, I had printed out some bodybuilding stuff and was reading at lunch. H asked what it was, and I explained that I had been listening to negative self-talk for so long and it wasn't me. I had started to change after we got together. He said he thought it was funny, I had become him and he stopped liking me. He said he doesn't like himself, so that makes sense.
So, I guess this is where getting a life comes in. Again, he says the words "I don't like you." I think he does and doesn't. He can't make up his mind, one day he loves me, one day he doesn't. Just after saying that, I was laying in the grass close to the road with a skirt on. H asked me how my skirt was, if I was showing too much to the passing cars. A bit of possessiveness showing, although he says no. But, why else would he be thinking of it.
I asked him why he fell in love with me and he couldn't come up with a reason. I felt badly about that. I am going to ask him to think harder. Maybe there is no reason why. I'm feeling sort of down and sort of up today. Not sure really how to feel. Sigh.
I asked H if he liked biking with me and he said yes. I asked if it could just as easily be any person, and he said he just enjoys going. I was trying to figure out if he liked MY company, or just HAVING company. Turns out, he doesn't really care if it's me or not. But, then he said "It is fun to see you get excited when you accomplish something, though." referring to when I made it up the hill.
Oh, this is so very hard. I am going to have to go do my own thing and stop being with him. I am about to try something new, a 180, and actually act like I DON'T like him as much as he thinks I do.
She was a partier, cheated on him, walked all over him, didn't have too many good traits. He thinks she just dated him for his car and because he had money. He says "she was pretty and acted like she liked me."
I asked H if he liked biking with me and he said yes. I asked if it could just as easily be any person, and he said he just enjoys going. I was trying to figure out if he liked MY company, or just HAVING company.
My ex-b went back and was with a previous gf briefly (she was barely a gf the first time, that WAS very brief). Like in the weeks. She treated him like dirt, she treated other guys like dirt, had R's with married men, etc. After we started dating, she sent him pics of herself with captions like "I know you like read hair" and "you are the only guy who's seen me in curlers". (they lived platonically for several months after they split, which pretty much happened from the moment she arrived at his apt. for the summer from overseas).
They remained "friends" - meaning they sometimes went long periods of time without speaking, but had some contact. Then he started getting closer to her around the time of the bomb. I didn't know it, but suspected. I always said she'd try to come back, and he never believed it. Why? Because she plays games and ties guys around her finger.
And when I asked him early last year why he liked her - it was "she's pretty and has a nice personality". First of all, she's not all that. And second, a decent person doesn't come in between as many R's as she has. I think ex-b wanted to prove to himself that someone like that would really like him. Why? I have NO idea.
By the same token, some women will stay with guys who treat them shabbily.
As far as asking your H if he enjoys your company and not just the bike ride - I'd not ask that. It sounds insecure, and you want to at least come across as secure as possible. I will say to my ex-b "I had a good time" and if he says "I'm glad", I sometimes will ask him if he had a good time too. I need to stop, because honestly - I can tell that he has. Even if he says he didn't, I'd know he did.
Good luck with everything. I have lost 50 pounds so far now, still a ways to go (at least 30 more, probably 40-45) and I need to start looking for another job at some point too.
hey rottzilla, I went biking too, but by myself, great stress reliever! I wouldn't put him on the spot like that, asking him why he fell in love with you--too much pressure. I like your positive adformations (sp?) I need to do that. I would just have fun being with him. It might be a good thing that you were over qualified for that job--you don't need to spend all your time with h.
Actually, H and I used to work together and it was great. That's where we met. If I got that job, we would never see each other. (It's a big place) It just brings us closer because we'd know the same people, have similar stories, be going through changes at work at the same time, and would go back to having lunch together.
We had lunch together twice this week, but it's hard because it takes us each 20 mins to get to the halfway point, which means only 1/2 hour lunch together. It'd be nice if we were closer.
Anyway, I met him for lunch yesterday and he was VERY stressed. I acted as if he was in a good mood and acted silly. He asked me why I was bouncy and wiggly and cute and I said "because the sky is blue and the sun is shining and I'm happy."
When he came home from work, I made sure to have candles burning, the kitchen cleaned up from morning dishes, food cooking (good smells) and a glass of scotch for him. He was stressed but I could sense him relax quickly and then he started smiling.
We were very close last night. He called me beautiful, kissed me a few times (not on the lips yet), and just felt like he wanted to be with me. At some point, I asked him how his life was going. He said, "You mean my personal life?" (What I meant is the fact that he has been going through changes regarding his work. Going to learn to make Japanese swords and also going to classes for advancement in his engineering position.) He said, "It's pretty f'd up." I said "I don't think it's that bad. You have a nice house, beautiful children (my stepchildren), doggies that adore you, a car you love." He responded "and I have you" I said, "Yes, you have me. And I don't think what's going on between us is that bad. We're still good together and good friends and get along and this is just not that bad. We'll get through this together." He closed his eyes and fought to hold back the tears. It was so nice to see him emotional again for a change, a babystep I've been waiting for. He used to love me so much that anytime I spoke about me or us or our future, H would have "tears of happiness" in his eyes.
At this point, I'd like to write "and for the first time, I felt like we would be OK and he would find his love for me in his heart again" because that sounds dramatic and fun to write. However, I have always known that one day, he will love me again. So, I can't write that, I can only say that it's just the first of many babysteps I expect to see in the coming months.
I am back down the 6 lbs I gained at the start of this week, so it must have been mostly water weight. I plan to keep losing so that I can do something fun for me that I've always wanted to do. I plan to compete in a fitness contest next year. H never knew me when I was in that shape. When he met me, I was 20 lbs overweight (but still looked good because of all the muscle). If he used to think I was beautiful before (hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my H is just that crazy ), wait until he sees me at my best, contest shape! H also went up to an extreme weight for him. He was up to 233 at the beginning of this week. (His normal is 200) He has been miserable. He's not like me, when he gains a pound, you can see it. I can gain 10 and it looks like 2. (again, because of the muscle) So, I put him on the same diet, and he is excited because he has also lost 7 lbs this week. Yay for him.
So, I worked it in that we could work out together in our home gym a few days a week. (More alone time) He said he'd try it, but he is afraid of quitting because he doesn't stick with things. (my turn to shine and keep him on track) This will be a great opportunity for him to accomplish something and think of me when he looks at himself in the mirror. Added to the kenpo, we will be doing a lot of close, physical things together, which makes me very happy.
Well, time to get to work now.
Oh, PS to my journal, I've noticed lately that whenever I hold H at night, he slides way over to the edge of the bed. I had been assuming that he didn't like me holding him anymore. I decided last night to experiment and rolled over and moved away from H. Well, H rolled back over towards me, and moved over to hold me. Now I know, it was just comfortable for him. So, when he held me, his hand touched mine and this time I was awake enough to notice that it was him that held my hand. After he felt my hand there, he slid his fingers around mine. (For those of you who were following my story, I really want H to hold my hand again, and have been waking up occasionally to find him holding me. I had thought I was subconsciously, because of my strong desire, been slipping my hand into his. Now I know it was H making the move.) YAY
Again, this is proof positive of the power of positive affirmations. OK, so I didn't get the job. But I sure as heck am getting all those other things I keep telling myself I will get. Remember, the brain does not know the difference between reality and non-reality. So, if you convince yourself by repeating over and over that something will happen, I firmly believe it WILL happen.
My cainer cast for today. I've been having fun with this, but it is eerie sometimes. This guy is really good at writing these things down.
There is someone you love, someone you want to be closer to, someone you hope that you can share special, precious moments with. Much though you try to keep this feeling under control, you find it hard not to display emotions that contradict the conventional image of a restrained sensible person. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. This cannot harm the particular situation you are in. And something very significant IS now changing for the better in this area of your world.
Hi Rottz....sounds like things are going pretty good for you...glad to hear it...I really think you have so many good things going in your sitch.... where do you get the "cainer cast"? is it on the net? I probably shouldnt read it though! now we have the paper delivered at home and I cant supervise H reading the horoscopes ! gosh, would you almost think I have a need for control or something? Hang in ....I really think you're doing well with this roller coaster we're all on.
Hey Rotz - I love your latest post - H holding your hand in sleep - wow
Quote: Remember, the brain does not know the difference between reality and non-reality. So, if you convince yourself by repeating over and over that something will happen, I firmly believe it WILL happen.
Strangely, back in December, when I was ready to pack in our M, my H kept repeating this, that he is in a difficult place, and that we (he and I) WILL work things through. I guess it just takes time. S L O W L Y
HI Rottz! Just wanted to check out your scene. I agree w/not asking these types of questions. For some reason, you just end up feeling worse. I know you are looking for some affirmation, but it seems like he needs to do it on his own time and his alien mind is just not full of the words that you want to hear.
I think you are also looking for something to work with though, like, what did she do differently? But, you do have some ammo! If you CAN do the 180-act hard to get, act somewhat disinterested. I know that you are very interested, but it seems to give him a charge. He needs to hunt it seems...So, give him a good chase. Act nonchalant, carefree...
I have been trying to post for two days, but I keep getting most of it down and my computer crashes, so I'll try later. Lots of good things happening. Some bad. That's what happens, right?
What a fantastic way to start the week!!!
! gosh, would you almost think I have a need for control or something? 