Hey Rotz - Good to hear your update. I totally agree with Betsey
Quote: By talking about it and pointing out to him the babysteps we have made, he is changing his mind a bit to seeing the possibilities.
This works for me too. I found that when I venture to put into words feelings my instinct tells me H has, he picks up on them very quickly and enthusiastically. Its like he is really confused, and just needs to hear from someone else first.
Sounds like very nice developments, Rotz. Can't wait to hear more Big hug, Slowly
Hey all, thanks for the support. As much as I miss being here and posting to everyone, I am finding that not posting so much has helped with my detachment and allowed me to get further along in DBing.
Just an example of a common day in my life now. There are still ups and downs. H still hasn't said ILY or even come close. H still hasn't kissed me or held my hand (like walk in the park type holding hands - sometimes he does in our sleep). BUT...
Early this a.m. I iniated ML and he held me so tight after. H had his arm outstretched, and I stretched mine out to be next to his. He took his other hand and clasped my hand in between his. Oh, it felt so good. Didn't last long enough, I snoozed and woke and it was over. Anyway...
He text'd me back and forth all morning. Some he iniatiated, some I did. Sometimes I find that I am emailing him first for a few days, and I stop and suddenly, lo and behold - he emails me first! I like this, he needs to pursue me, not the other way around.
So, I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me. We discussed this upcoming long weekend (we took off Friday) where we will drive to Vermont and go mountain biking and camping. Dogs are heading to the kennel (which they LOVE - the man has a farm and lets them loose in a fenced in enclosure to bark at the animals - heaven for a doggie. ), and H is actually happy to be going with me. We also discussed taking golf lessons on our lunch hour, and went to the driving range to sign up. First lesson is next Wednesday. YAY.
H's friends are getting together to golf and needed a fourth. H asked if I could go and when his friends said yes, his eyes lit up and he looked so excited for me to say yes. He says with his words that he doesn't care if I come along or not - or that he can be with anyone and have just as much fun - but his eyes and expressions say differently.
We got lunch, and the restaurant owner (who knows us) called us to pick up over the loudspeaker "lunch is ready for the two sweethearts." H and I laughed, and called each other sweetheart a few times. Later, I asked if I was his sweetheart. He laughed and looked down, not saying anything. I said "that's OK, you don't have to say anything, I know I am." More confidence, he seemed to take it in and didn't react. I'll call that a score for me.
I looped my arm around his as we walked to our cars. He said "shall I escort madame to her car?" Now, mind you, this is from me not being able to touch him at all, to doing things like this. So, I notice each time he allows it. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. I kind of did a little whine, and he said "what?" Then realized, I was whining for a kiss. He almost imperceptibly moved towards me and then stopped. Then hugged me again. And then bounced me a few times, kissed the top of my head again, laughing the whole time. Then, he moved to grab my hand, and then stopped himself.
Why am I posting all this mundane stuff, you ask? Well, it was all subconscious movements towards him holding my hand or kissing me, and I could see him consciously stop himself. So, the desire is growing in him. Now, I just have to wait for him to act upon it.
My cainer cast from yesterday says it all...
Monday, 10th May 2004 Everything will be OK. Everything will turn out right. Everything will be sweet, satisfactory and well worthwhile... in the end. And is this the end? No. It's way past the start and past the middle too, but the story you're so concerned about is still far from told. You can't force it to a premature conclusion. You have to let it take as long as it needs. If you want a recipe for success, here it is in one word: Relax. If you want it in a three word phrase try 'create a diversion'. The best thing you can do is look elsewhere while a process unfolds at a natural pace. To hear how a minor miracle could soon prove perfectly possible.
Yup, I knew it all along, it will be alright between us. I know it will. Never had any doubt, just didn't know how to get there. Now, I have the roadmap, and a willing spouse. What else could a girl want?
Everyone, believe in yourselves, believe in DBing, and most of all, never lose hope. I truly believe my not losing hope has been the reason why my M WILL work out in the end, and H WILL love me again.
In a bit, I think I will post new goals. For now, thanks again for supporting me even though I haven't been there for everyone else lately.
Well, my (physical) journal ran out of paper, so I will use this BB as my thought catcher for now until I make it to the store for a new one.
Last night, I finished up some volunteer work, and I have a sore throat and not feeling too well. H had his karate class, and then came upstairs. I asked him to watch tape 1 of Marriage Breakthrough with me, and he said yes, even seemed happy to do so.
I laid down for a while, and SS14 went to bed at 9. H came in and tucked me in and kissed my forehead and then sat watching t.v. with me. I asked about the tape, and he said very gently, "I know you want to watch the tape. I want to watch it too. But right now you are a sicky and I am going to take care of you."
All night long, he held me and even held my hand a few times in our sleep.
This morning, he snuck out of the bedroom to shower, and reset the alarm. Instead of me getting up early to cook breakfast and prepare lunch and do housework, he did it all himself and left me sleeping. Just before he left, he came in and gave me a kiss. I heard him come back and I woke up to give him a big hug and say "thanks for taking care of me."
I called him this morning to say (again) thanks for taking care of me and letting me sleep in. It helped and I needed the rest. He said it was nothing, but I could tell he was pleased.
I'm hoping he will ask me to lunch today. I would sure love to see him, he is being so lovey and I want to bask in it awhile.
Well, H suggested lunch yesterday, just as I was thinking he wouldn't. Score for me!
Last night was "date night" and I was looking forward to going. At 5, just as I was leaving work, H texts me and asks if two friends can go. I'm hurt, but text back OK. I'm thinking "well, maybe H didn't realize it was our night alone."
Get home and casually mention to SS14 that his dad had invited friends along. He said "that's funny, last week, Dad told me I couldn't go because it was your night to be alone." I talk to H about it and he says he didn't ask friends, they invited themselves along. OK, I let it go. We have a good time anyway, and still go to dinner alone.
I get sick during dinner - hope it goes away soon. Tomorrow we leave for our weekend away.
Mention to H that we still have not watched tapes and it's important to me. He says "I know it's important to you, that's why I agreed to watch them and read the book. I want you to get some sleep tonight. I'll read some of your book instead." (Meaning "The Truth About Love.") He does, reads the first chapter last night about the infatuation stage of love.
This is big for me. I hope his heart is open to the message. He has been looking for those sparks to fly again between us. But, it takes work. This first chapter explains how PEA and oxytocin and other chemicals leaad to feelings of euphoria during the initial stages of a love, and that it can't last forever. We had thought we were one of the exceptions.
The book says that initial stages of infatuation last about 6 months to 2 years. (Maybe that's why A's last 6 months on average?) Well, our infatuation stage lasted 5 years. We thought it would go on forever. But, lack of attention to the R and to each other took it's toll, and here we are. H doesn't have those "in love" feelings for me anymore. Both of us thought that the feelings were "gone." Instead, now, due to educating myself, I realize that they are not gone, they are just hidden away somewhere, buried under the rubble.
This (the bomb forward) was all such a shock to me because we were one of those crazy couples that everyone points to and says "look how in love they are." We never fought, rarely disagreed, had so much in common it was eerie. Yet, one day, H says to me "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore." I beg, plead, etc, and one day that statement turns into "I don't care about you, I don't have any feelings, I'm just cold." and "I don't think I care about you anymore because I don't care when I think of you with another man."
Well, as you know, we've made baby step after baby step until we are here. H's most recent statement being "I know things are going well between us, but they still aren't the same." And of course, admitting to me that he cares and showing jealousy. (can I just say YAY!)
I want his heart to be open to the message. I want him to realize that love takes work, and keeping it alive takes work. Not just know that, but know HOW and WHAT SORT of work he needs to do. Alone time, kind words, touch, loving actions, etc.
For my part, I need to get back to being that thinner girl he fell in love with. I have tried diet after diet, and I can't seem to stick with it. Which is odd because I have always been in shape until recently, when I gained HUGE amounts of weight. I want him to look at me again with tears in his eyes and see the beautiful girl he used to tell me he saw.
Right now, I just don't feel like that girl. I know it's all relative to the individual, but it would make me feel better if I looked better. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. Sigh sigh sigh!!! Why couldn't I be one of those whose nervous energy just dropped the weight off? H's friend going through D has lost 30 lbs in two months just due to nervous energy. I have lost 20 since LAST AUGUST! I keep hanging around this level and won't get off the plateau.
Oh well. Anyone has that magic bullet, let me know. I'd dying to hear how to do this difficult task.
Why can't you drop weight from nervous energy like others? You are unique, different from everyone else. You are wonderful and beuatiful because you are different than anyone else. Enjoy the fact that we are all dufferent but the same!
I'll take some of your weight. I lost about 15 lbs in 3-4 mos.but the bad part is I only wore about a 4/5 from the beginning. I am in a size 1/2 and it is horrible. I have my appetite back. I am eating like crazy and trying to find something (diet supplement to help me GAIN weight). LOL I am sure that I began to look sick to H. That is sooooo unattractive!
Big hug, Slowly 
Anyway...
), and H is actually happy to be going with me. We also discussed taking golf lessons on our lunch hour, and went to the driving range to sign up. First lesson is next Wednesday. YAY. 