Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Gordie #16: walking away from from MLC W

Hi Neutral, let me clarify - I didn't have the newly in love feelings at BD, but I would still feel my breath catch when I saw exh, or have a little flutter in my chest. That never went away, even after 26 years. It wasn't the same as when we were first together but it was definitely an in love feeling. It was born of intimacy and trust, so it was "quieter" if you will, but no less precious - actually, to me it was more precious. Well, it's gone now.

also that should have read jugular, not juggler. I truly despise auto-incorrect but serves me right for surreptitiously typing at work ;/

On a positive note? someone who comes into our office from time to time for his work called me by the same nickname exh gave me and it didn't even cause a twinge, much less the fountain of tears it would have caused not so long ago - so Gordie, time. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels ... there's a little Nick Lowe love for ya xoxoxo

Butterfly and Neutral,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on those subjects. So one of my wrinkles is that stbx and I were friends long before we dated. When we started dating we knew each other quite well so things immediately were serious and engagement and marriage soon followed. Stbx says those “best friend” feelings have always been there and still are...it’s the romantic attention and sexual excitement she is missing (we had sex a couple times a week for 20+ years so neither of us were sex starved...but it was more boring and routine than she wanted it to be). It’s the regrets of getting M too young, not dating too many others, giving up career to be a SAHM...and wanting those things now...before it’s too late.

***

Journaling and venting:

So stbx got home all happy from weekend with OM2 and instead of being cool and detached, I was short tempered and grumpy. She couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t thrilled to see her and wanting to spend time with her.

She finally brought up her notes and asked me why I hadn’t talked to her about them. I said I didn’t think it was appropriate to communicate on those subjects via notes. She was particularly dumbfounded that I didn’t take the bait on “it I break up with OM2, will you work on us” note. I said I think I’ve said enough on this topic. You know that I do not believe in open M and therefore will not engage with you while you are in a R with another. I refuse to be a backup plan or plan b. She said I wasn’t and that she is just really confused about what she wants and needs more time to figure it out.

She asked about my move. I reiterated that there were no change in my plans. I needed to move out so that I could move on with my own life without her.

I asked her again why she wouldn’t sign the D agreement. She said she isn’t going to sign the D agreement if she is not sure of what she wants and right now she doesn’t know.

Today is one of those days that I wish I never met my stbx. I feel guilty even saying that but it’s how I feel today.

Gordie it's ok to have those feelings. Given the circumstances, it's natural. I've felt the same. Really, be kind to yourself right now. xoxoxoxo {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Hi Gordie,

Good job sticking to your boundaries. IMO your w just wants you to pretzel for her.

I'm late on this but I'm glad you left w and d and stayed out of w's mess. I think that would've been a way to lose your d's respect and I know your kids are looking to you for support from the sane parent.

As for your last sentence, feel it and let it go. I've been there (still happens sometimes) but when I see my kids I know that thought is a knee jerk reaction to the pain xw has caused. Stay positive and don't let w taint your memories (or the kids') they were real, no matter who our spouses are today or what they'd like us to believe.

I like what Bttrfly posted! I was thinking about this on my drive today and was going to mention it if I updated my thread because I also need to be more kind to myself, sometimes I've found myself being my own worst critic.

Take care, thinking of you and your kiddos.

I know what you mean by her being away all day, then getting home and expecting you to overflow with joy because she's there now UGH!

I mean... How is such a thing possible? How can perfectly sane, grounded people become someone completely different over the course of a few months? If i didn't know better i'd almost go as far as classifying it as a disease but that is a road i do not wanna go down but yeah... i almost feels like it. This IS a full blown personality change!!

The only thing i wonder is when(if) they ever manage to get OUT of this state, will they even remember what happened and how they acted during this whole thing?

Neutral, according to many former MLCrs - no, they don't remember. Now, is this because of the depression or because they've blocked it out of their minds?

Combination thereof?

Who knows. Best not to worry about them and focus on what you want and where you're going ....

Leave them to their festering misery.

Sorry if that sounds cruel; I don't mean it to - rather, detaching is the only way to stay sane in all of this. If one has kids, that's imperative.

Some do remember most of what they've said and done. Will they admit it...that's the question of the day. Whatever, they do or don't remember...that is on them. It's not something that we need to worry about. It is truly up to them to rebuild the bridges that they have burned along the way If they don't, it's their loss.

Gordie, she is a master of brinksmanship and a spoiled, entitled princess-brat who wants to see her prospects battle it out for her fair hand.

I'm still hoping that this is going to have a positive outcome down the road (although starting to remind me of Thornton and the wife who doesn't want him until he doesn't want her), but I do think you will need to move out first.

Kyh—you are right but the pretzel ing has just exhausted me. I just can’t do it anymore.

Ownit—master of brinksmanship! Yes, absolutely. She is a master but you have shown me her playbook!

Journaling:

So I think there’s a part of d b that I couldn’t do which is faking detachment. I couldn’t do it. It’s taken well over a year but I think true detachment is finally growing and I’m not faking and stbx can tell.

I’m a few weeks from moving out and the knowledge of that has also empowered me. Yes, there is an end to this chapter of the story and I determined it. She didnt push me out. I’m choosing to leave.

I think butterfly or ownit predicted some of her recent actions. One morning, I did wake up with her in my bed. She must have come in the middle of the night and laid down. She tried to snuggle and yes, I was tempted to have sex with her but I did not. I left the room and we never spoke of it. I wasn’t angry but just...tired of the whole situation: when is she going to leave me alone?

She has also been full of compliments about my appearance and inquiries about my life and I am always kind and friendly but I keep it short.

Thanks all! Have a great weekend.

Raising my hand, yes, that was me! The utter cheek of her! (I've been binge watching Britcoms) ...

When is she going to leave you alone? Good question. I suspect that the further you pull away the more she will chase.

Keep focusing on you and your new place. Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing a smashing job

This is about you finding your way and living a life that's authentic to who you are, separate from this mess.

xoxoxoxo