Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What should I be doing now? (It's done)

AMEN AMEN AMEN. We ALL want closure, we ALL want to know "why". Unfortunately the only closure you will get is you letting go of the need for closure, if that makes sense. WAS's often don't even know why they do what they do themselves. They are confused, in turmoil, foggy. They may clear the fog and wonder what in the world they've done. A lot of them do just that. I remember one WAS posting here that the hardest thing for her to do in recon was to go back to all of her friends and family and explain to them why she was getting back together with the very man that she had been trash-talking for a year. She said it was so scary that she actually almost decided not to recon just so she could avoid it.

Hi Coconut, I agree with AS above. I wouldn't assume that what you might get from the WAS would bring closure. My XH said a few things to be that didn't help me at all:

When he D'd me he said that I was beautiful, he loved me and I had been the best wife, but he knew that he really needed a new family now...

That was what he offered me and in truth it didn't really help me at all. Closure I think comes from your own processing of what has happened and accepting the end of your marriage. It has helped me to think of XH and me as separate and no longer living co-joined lives in any way. He decides what he wants to do, so do I. Some of his decisions may not be great, some of his behaviour may not be great, but that's all up to him..

I also don't think I was the kind of wife that deserved my XH to run off with a much younger woman and lie about it for months, but it happened and that way of exiting the marriage is all on him. I'm glad I don't have to live with that. I was an imperfect spouse as we all are, but whilst there are things to learn, I'm generally at peace with my part in the marriage.

So, rather than looking to her for something, take some time to gently and kindly look within.

Zeus,

I think is is a profound statement but I don't want to hijack the thread you wrote it on, but I can't get past the thought that it is a topic that should be discussed. After the experience most LBS's here have gone through, it isn't difficult to feel insufficient, like we aren't good enough.

I signed up for Cupid today, I was interested in seeing who was on there and what the Internet dating pool looked like in my area. I looked at pictures of very physically attractive woman, as well as some that weren't attractive to me at all. I had many thoughts as I swiped left and right, am I too judge mental, would this person find me attractive, do I look as old as some of the people in my age group who were on there, etc..

But I came across several profiles that I appreciated the honesty, some said they were sluts looking for a quick fix, others listed very descriptive activities that they are into, such as politics, woman's rights, little people trying to make a small difference in big issues, homebodies that are anti social, etc. and clearly stated they wanted someone of the same mindset. They weren't trying to pretend who they were to find Mr. Right, they were laying out their idiosynchroties of who they were and who they wanted to be with, to find Mr Right For Them.

My brother made the statement to me over the holidays that I've always dated very beautiful women and I'll find another one... I just replied to him "that isn't the quality I'm most concerned about anymore"... I want to find the person that fits me, but I will admit I have a hard time getting past the looks I've always went after. But I digress.

My point is that if you make it clear who you are, what you bring to the table, and what you don't, there is somebody out there that is looking for that. If you have low sex drive, someone else out there does as well, and they are more interested in finding someone who: likes to cook, watch tv with them, raise a house full of cats, whatever. I find it hard to believe that there isn't someone out there who is looking for everyone who has idiosynchroties or shortcomings.

Thanks Coconut. To be clear, I don't feel insufficient. I just think today's expectations are unattainable. Same difference in the end I suppose.

Conventional wisdom says that we can do better than the previous generation by knowing our boundaries, fixing our pickers, finding someone compatible, and on and on and on. It sounds good on paper because it promises us the fulfillment of our desires. But I don't see it working. I look at the growing list of deal breakers and expectations and lofty ideals of romantic love and fulfilled desire as impossible at best, and temptations from the devil designed to undermine the stability of our families at worst.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not proposing a solution. I think it's inevitable. Here was a post I just wrote on my own thread. You can skip the pool bit. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754091&page=5

We'll see. I'll be watching from the sidelines to see how things work out. If the world shows me a bunch of people that remain married and happy to levels we've never seen before then I'm not ruling out a future partnership. Until I see something more convincing than today's landscape it looks more like jumping into shark infested waters.

But I'm not pessimistic. Life goes on and we'll continue to enjoy the experiences that we were given to enjoy. And even if we can't solve these problems I think AI just might. Or it might enslave us all and put us in people zoos. But either way we'll muddle through. It's what we do.

Ok, I think I understand what you are saying more clearly. basically, the way I read it is You want a M of Lifetime Commitment and the M as known in today's society is more of a "For Now" commitment, until you exhibit a deal breaker and they exit rather than working on the issue(s).


Just wanted to stop by before I head out to fly back to FL today to attend my D hearing tomorrow morning. I will be flying back home tomorrow night, decided not to incorporate a family/friend visit into the same trip as the D.

Right now I'm in a good state of mind, I had a couple of rough days around New Years (after snooping), but came out of that hole after a few days and have had a positive mental attitude since. Hopefully I can keep that attitude throughout the hearing, focus on the fact that I want the divorce today, and not get lost in what I wanted over a year ago.

I'll be thinking about you today.

Coconut—best wishes. You are a good man.

Thank you Sandi2 and Gordie, I read your messages right before I left to the courthouse and they brightened my day a little, so thank you for reaching out.

So the hearing went about as expected. I got there and checked in with the bailif, she had not arrived yet, so I sat down, put on my headphones and started listening to my workout music. I wanted to do anything I could to keep the tears away, I was mostly successful in that regard.

She arrived, checked in and sat down at the other end of the bench that I was on (outside of the courtroom), I didn't look at or acknowledge her, I just kept to myself. About 5 minutes later her mother walked in and tried to hug me. I just shook my head "no" (not that I don't like her mother, I just was trying to stay unemotional) and she went and hugged her daughter. That attempt at a hug brought on some tears, so I got up and walked around the hallway and looked at the view (you can see the ocean from the floor I was on), managing to calm myself down.

About 10 minutes later they called everyone into the courthouse, and I sat on a bench alone. The process was pretty cut and dry, the judge called a couple up one at a time (or anyone else there for family court such as name changes, etc.), for the Divorces he asked a few questions that are required, Is this marriage really un-savable or are there courses that can be offered to help, has one of you lived in the county for 6 months, have all assets and debt been split in an agreeable manner, etc. Then he simply stated that the divorce would be granted and signed the paperwork.

There were only about 15 people in the room, so the whole process only took about 10 minutes, then I went downstairs to get certified copies and was out of the courthouse within 45 minutes.

There were couples divorcing that were standing together, talking and in good spirits, obviously both agreed the marriage was not good, but didn't have ill will towards the other person, that's how a R should end. I was the only person who was tearing up, although my ex did seem a little sad. I kind of felt like a fraud saying the marriage was un-savable since there was never an attempt to even try, but I know it is un-savable when someone isn't even willing to communicate, so I agreed.

Afterwards, I went to my moms house, we went out to lunch, then we hung out at the house until I left for my flight. Overall, I was in a pretty good state and didn't find the process as difficult as I had feared. I was doing pretty good last night when I got home too and slept fine.

Right now I'm pretty sad, but I know that good things are to come and my M ended a LONG time ago, not just yesterday.

I got an email today with this message about suicide prevention, it is from a government agency and is NOT COPYRIGHTED, so I wanted to share it here. You don't have to be suicidal for these easy things to help you feel more positive about your life.

Maintaining Your Emotional and Mental Health

1. A New Year, A New You: A new year offers a new opportunity for you to influence your mental and emotional health by making a plan to stay on track with your goals. Things like taking your medications as scheduled, attending your appointments, getting enough sleep and asking for help from your providers can all help you take strides to gaining employment, maintaining finances and taking care of your family.

2. Self-Reflection and Awareness: Self-awareness gives you the ability to understand your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values, goals, and recognize their impact on others. Things like journaling, taking a walk or talking to a close friend are all simple ways that can help you take control of your mood. This can lead to gathering your thoughts to make a more sound action plan to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.

3. Watch your Finances: Watching what you spend can often seem intimidating, tedious and sometimes depressing. Laying out your expenses will force you to prioritize where you want your money to go. This in turn can shine light on weaknesses, give you a sense of control, improve relationships and empower you to set financial goals. Having open communication, shared bill paying duties and goal setting can give you an opportunity to celebrate small successes.

4. Build Relationships: Calling a friend, meeting a colleague for coffee, having dinner with a relative — these everyday actions can seem small, but they have the power to make a huge difference for you or someone else going through a difficult time. Be sure to show up when you have made plans to spend time with someone. Chat with someone in a waiting room or at the store, you never know when this could have a positive impact on you and the person you reach out to.

5. Exercise: Experts believe exercise releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. Regular exercise can boost your self-esteem and help you concentrate, sleep, look and feel better. Exercising doesn’t just mean doing a sport or going to the gym. Walks in the park, gardening or housework can also keep you active.

6. Keep Things in Perspective: Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. When we perceive our self and our life negatively, we can end up viewing experiences in a way that confirms that notion. Instead, practice using words that promote feelings of self-worth and personal power.

7. Take a Break: Step away, let someone know verbally, you need a moment to gather your thoughts. Sometimes the best thing to do is a simple breathing exercise: Close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. For each one, count to four as you inhale, hold it for a count of four, and then exhale for another four. This works wonders almost immediately. Maybe that break includes meditation, prayer or going for a drive.

8. Seek Help: Seeking help is a sign of strength — not a weakness. And it is important to remember that treatment is effective.

Really tough, I feel for you. Sounds like you went through it with dignity.