Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBS dealing with WW Part 4

That’s the spirit. Joe. Find some humour in the darkness always.

Now you stick to the plan and give zero fcuks about what she says or does. If you had a friend like this you would drop the rope. Do it and focus on you and the kids. Full stop.

You have the plan and all the tools.

You just need to do the right thing your by hour. If you mess up the 2pm slot. There’s always the 3pm! Soon you will be working on half day slots, week slots etc.

Keep strong. You are doing this. Just implement the skills you are learning. If it goes wrong, V, Joe, others and myself will help you correct the course.

Surfer.

I will post any plans here first to get input from everyone here. I have to say, this is the most valuable resource I've ever found in my life. This place really is all about life change.

I have never felt so welcomed by a group of strangers before. I have been pulled back from the ledge by you all numerous times. It's going to be a rough ride, but I know I can make it now.

I've learned how to detach. I've learned how to spot the manipulation and gaslighting. I know how the WW will project their feelings to the point they are giving you their game plan. I know they lie like crazy. I've learned to be cautious. It's like you guys know my WW's playbook. The WW script. Strange how it's so universal.

I can't thank you enough.

Dude....this board is the single reason why I feel as good as I do today. Reading and speaking with people that have gone through this and getting their feedback while learning and growing has definately put me in the best position to succeed whether or not my W comes back or not. Truthfully, for me, this was better than therapy. Everyone knows what you are going through, is willing to pay it forward and has advice that I never would have recieved anywhere else. All of us going through these horrible situations are lucky!

Joe,

It is strange isn’t it - that universal behaviour? No matter what nationality, religion, language, sex, location etc on this planet they (WS) all follow a very similar script. I find comfort in that personally. It means we are dealing with ‘typical’ behaviour.

Psychological patterns are comforting, even if disturbing. It means you can adapt to them. Change.

That is DB. It is also, the far extreme, where you need to just survive minute to minute or day to day (when terrified). It then becomes easier. You adapt.

You will be fine. Just change. It is your new plan. For now.

Surfer.

Today WW came back to the MH and was being nasty and demanding. She wants a schedule from me or something like that so she can "plan her day" or whatever.

I have just been staying away from her as much as possible. This is pretty difficult because of how mean she's being to me in front of the kids. She is blatantly dumping all of her negative emotions towards me.

It takes all of my concentration to stay alert. It is like an emotional war zone. If I don't stay alert then she will take advantage.

Yes

That's interesting she demands a schedule. She can plan her day anyway.

Since she ceased to be your W, your schedule is your business and hers is hers.

Quietly skirt the question.

Let me describe a technique called fogging to you.

Fogging is the art of saying something whilst not really saying anything.

Vis

"That's an interesting idea, I will think on it " (for a sec)

"There may be something in what you say" (but probably not)

"Mmmm, must put some thought into that" (in 2030)

"Interesting, hold that thought" (but I wont)

"It's a possibility" (or not)

"That did occur to me" (but I dismissed it instantly)

"Matches your eyes" (blood shot and staring)

"Great colour on you" (covers up the sick)

"I may plan for that" (likely not)

"I was going to consider my options" (not yours)

"I believe I am busy that night" (My GAL not yours)

"I have some admin to sort on it" (like the Forth Bridge)

"My schedules are up in the air and ever changing" (and even if they weren't I would tell you)

---------------------------------

Now there is deflection

"So you have plans today?"

When she says that's her business

Response is "precisely"

And dodge

---------------------------------
You can turn this into a purpose tactic and observe.

You are doing great.

V

Great tips V. Thank you. I have walked away from several conversations already that she turned into arguments. I am going to have to really dig my heels in and double down my patience and DB efforts.

This is so terrible. I'm so stressed.

It does get easier.

Try reframing this Joe, saying the better the boundaries, the calmer I am, the easier it is to manage my situation. The more stable an environment that I create for the children and for WW to come to her senses.

V

Yes, calm and collected is key! She rages and rants, and the kids can usually hear it all. They know who is doing the yelling, and it's not me.

I just wish I had some kind of timeframe to look forward to. Like, the typical amount of time a WS will spend blaming the LBS for all their problems. It's been a month of me being the source of all her problems and it's getting old. Forgot her password? Oh it was me. Can't find her keys? Oh I must've hid them. Blah blah blah.

Just remember:

Tidy your closet
Don't serve the wrong pasta
Don't put dirty dishes in the dishwasher
Buy apple not orange juice
Get the right bacon
Don't be too short or too tall
Never run out of milk
Put the toilet seat up or down
Don't go out but if you do don't stay in
Always use aftershave or don't every alternate Monday
Do the shopping on Monday unless of course it's Monday in which case it's shopping on any other day
Watch TV but then again record it
Take a shower or then again do so at the gym

All of these are your fault unless of course they are mine

I am also responsible for the world economy, pollution, Donald Trump being elected, his overeating, his gambling (I didn't stop him), his poor golf performance, his bald tyres (bald head?), failing to buy the right house 20 years before I met him......

I am going to be responsible for his split with OW, not enough settlement..........

It's absolutely script and actually some of it has its black humour side, eventually that will strike you too

V