Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

Congratulations Gordie,

You have finally started to get through to her. Since this is working, why would you change what you are doing that seems to finally have some success?

Keep going with your plans and dont waver at this point. Get your place and get settled in. You are still on this marathon and it cannot be shortened. Your wife needs to do her work now to win you back, not the other way around. You need for her to do this on her own or it will fail. She needs to accept what she has done and do what she needs to do to get herself straightened out. Your telling her won't fix it. She now needs to figure out on her own what she needs to do to regain her family. My ex is still struggling with this, so even this part of the journey can take years.

Gordie

Not surprising, That jar labeled Gordie is not on the shelf where she thought she placed it so you will see a variety of methods from her in an attempt to tug on that anchor chain. In agreement with the ignore option and as LT mentioned ... understand this is going to take a bit and she will flip flop all over the place, best you are clear and focusing on yourself and the kids while she tries to figure things out.

Gordie, That note would have driven me crazy. Everyone is right about ignoring it, but I would have wanted to leave her one saying that you were ready for her to start treating YOU like her husband again.

Your hard work is starting to pay off as she is showing signs she hasn't shown before. She isn't ready, but she is moving along. The hard part is knowing whether you will want to reconcile once she IS done baking. What I have been telling myself to that question is that OF COURSE I don't want to reconcile with the body snatcher. It isn't her! I assume that I would feel differently if my WIFE came back to herself and wanted to fix things, its just been so long since I've seen HER that I almost don't remember what that feels like. Hard to say for sure, but you are doing an impressive job!! Keep it up...you will thank yourself later.

You are the prize and are worth every minute of time you spend on yourself!! I know you aren't interested in dating right now, but you'd be a catch if you ever threw yourself back in to the dating pool...remember that!

Thanks everyone. Ignored the note and am continuing the path to move out. I am guessing it will take a few weeks. I’m not thrilled that it has come to this and I do have my doubts that this is the right thing to do but the current status isn’t working for me. Little kids will have the most trouble with the change so will have to deal with that.

So another advice solicitation/venting:

Most days I no longer think about OM2. But I do have my triggers. The biggest one is the presents OM2 gives my kids. I know I can’t control that but it drives me ****ing nuts. Kid x is wearing a new dress. I say nice dress! Kid x says OM2 got it for me! It makes me want to throw the dress in the trash.

Is this just another one of those things I ignore? As Ginger says, is this another bullet I take for them? Do I tell stbx I think this is wrong?

Gordie:

I can't even imagine that. I'm still POed that he brought gifts into the house that were doubtless wrapped by his OW2. At the end of the day, while you have every right to be furious, what does you saying anything accomplish?

We all know you want to reconcile your marriage. For that to happen, she has to decide that she doesn't want the other men. For that to happen, you have to not do things that will push them together or bond over, or make her rail against you for. At the end of the day, it is just a dress, or whatever. I would be grateful that the money flow is that way. I'm quite certain that my H is paying for everything with his single mom with 3 kids.

Focus on the big picture and let the petty annoyances go. Focus on you, detaching, being mysterious, getting a life. Be firm in your boundaries and live a life you are proud of and that sets a good example for your kids. The part you can't control is going to happen however it happens.

Gordie - it's a different circumstance but when I saw my S23 wearing a souvenier hat that he got from the vacation his mother and her guy took I told him that it caused me pain to see it.

It's been in his room somewhere ever since. I have no idea what if anything that his mother got him or his sister for Christmas. They don't share their interactions with their mother with me because they know it causes me pain, but then again I don't interact with them as much as you do with your kids and they are adults. I don't know if it would be wise / healthy to let them know that reminders of that guy cause you pain. I'm sure they wouldn't want to hurt you for the world. Perhaps something to talk to the older ones about?

Perhaps the healthiest way would be to put distance between you and him by reminding yourself that it's the friend of your kid's mother that did this. That puts him 4 places removed from you. It's a tough mental exercise and TBH, it will take time and distance to make happen.

There was a story on another forum I read that was quite heart-warming. The kids had been off to see their father and his GF/OW at Christmas and the mother was dreading coming home to see what they had gotten. The kids came home when she was out, tucked the stuff in their room and then made a big fuss on their Mom about how she was their greatest gift.

I ditto Ownit. Of couse, I can understand why you'd be angry. But, this whole situation is way beneath you. She is a married woman accepting gifts for her kids from her affair partner! It's insane. As Sotto says frequently, she is someone else's girlfriend now. Leave them to each other.

Look, it's pretty clear you are a good guy. Don't devalue yourself by engaging in this nonsense that has become her life. You are the prize.

Detach, focus on you and leave her to her slop of a life. You have better days ahead of you.

Ownit/AndrewP/HaWho,

Thank you for reminding me that this really is insane. Living in it...your sense of sane and insane get lost. Yet another thing I will ignore. I had to vent that somewhere as it’s been really bugging me. Thank you.

That's why we are here for you. We understand this stuff like other people can't. We have lived and felt the same injustices.

Hi Gordie,

Sorry you are dealing w/this. I know that pain and you're handling it very well. Just make sure not to bottle that anger, let it go however you can. One thing I've had to deal w xw having s wear hand me downs from suspected om2. I actually have thrown a couple things away, cheap t shirts that just slapped me in the face. I buy the kids clothes all the time so it's not like they needed them and it felt good not having them. He still has a couple things i think came from him but they don't stand out to remind me and I've forgot about it w/time. When s was wearing a shirt once and it was bothering me I just asked if he could please change shirts. Maybe tell your d it's a beautiful dress and you'd hate for her to get it dirty. That way at the very least you don't have to see the reminder.

This guy must be a real t@rd. Know that this won't last, he is trying to impress, and your kids will see what is really happening some day (I'm sure the older ones do) and you will be there for them.