Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

Do you like this new apartment?

I'm glad you were business like. It isn't like you and the kids haven't shed tears over her choices. I have a hard time feeling compassion. I'm sorry. I believe we ought to feel compassion for the MLCr, but today I'm lacking.

Journaling:

So stbx initiated a discussion because of my actions to move out. She expressed some remorse about things she has never expressed remorse about. She took responsibility for some of her actions that led to the collapse of our M. She agreed that our R was getting better pre b d but felt like it was improving too slowly (too little, too late). She said she needs more time to think about what she wants. She says she can’t give herself fully to OM2 because she is still in love with me. She doesn’t consider her activities post b d as cheating because “we are getting D”...and said she wouldn’t consider it cheating if I wanted to be with OW (she assumed that when I went out on overnights I was fooling around). She said I am still her best friend and she misses talking to me. Being with OM2 is a gift that makes me realize how much I still love and care about you. I keep thinking about all of the good times we have had together and how amazing our R was for the first 10+ years...and can it be like that again or better? She recognized that her actions were hurting her R with the teens. She asked why I didn’t try after b d to fix things.

My response: I do not believe in open marriage. Living with you while you are in a R with OM2 is soul crushing. I have to leave to preserve some measure of self respect and self dignity. I will not be in a taste test/bake off with OM2. I thought we were working on our R pre b d. You were finally telling me what you wanted in our R and we were actively improving them (more time together, better and more frequent sex, Gordie more actively parenting and helping around the house, etc). The b d was a big f*** y** that all of these efforts to change and improve our R meant nothing to you. That no matter what I did, you had already set your course for D and pursuing OM1. The questions you are asking yourself about your conflicted feelings about what you want in life and our R...only you can answer. This is your D. The decision was all yours. You decided to file. You have to sign to finish it. Only you can decide what you want to do but I’ve made my own decision to move out. I don’t like talking to you anymore because it hurts. It is a reminder that you have fired me as your H and lover. I gave her very specific things I did to fix things after b d but after she rejected all of my words and actions to pursue OM1...I gave up.

Gordie,

I am so sorry that she's still wanting to talk about the situation. Yes, she's showing some remorse, but her words and actions aren't matching up. Lip service will not fix what is broken within her.

You've advised her a number of times about your feelings on open marriage. May I suggest that you say something like this next time: "w, I have told you several times how I feel about open marriage and I will not discuss it again." I think your wife is hoping that by badgering you about things, you'll break down and say it's okay. There is no need to rehash this topic as it is a moot point.

I think that once you are in your own place, you'll feel much better and you won't have to deal w/her nonsense 24/7. You'll come to realize how much stress you were under living under the same roof and you will be able to see things a bit more clearly.

Gordie, I hope you find an apartment very soon. You need your own space to heal.

Bro hug ((Gordie)) Almost a year ago I wrote the "I Give Up" letter to my W.

I've added The Art of War by Sun Tzu to my reading list. It's considered one of the classic works in strategy and conflict. I don't know if you've read it or not. I'm hoping that it will give me some insights into how to deal with goals.

I can't help but to colour your words and actions with my own from last year. I think that there comes a time in an endeavour where despite Duty, Honour and Pride where you have to recognize that which you are fighting for, which you have bled for, which you would have been willing to die for, that it's not there any more. The you know that it is time to hang up your spurs, put down the sword and buckler and walk away.

But we can walk away with our heads held high in that we did what we did for something that we truly believed in. Just because we didn't achieve the goals that first set us on this path, doesn't mean that the fight wasn't worth fighting. We did it because it was Right for us to do it.

In the next while you may find yourself questioning "was any of the past really real?" I know that I did and others suggested that question to me. My answer is that the past as I saw it was real to me. And that's all that matters.

Bravo Gordie on your response.

Her words and lack of action speak strongly. Watch with your eyes not your ears.

You will find some peace and clarity once you have a space free from her intrusions. Keep moving in a healthy direction.

Your wifes actions show she is starting to realize she is loosing control of the situation. She will probably ramp up her efforts to try and keep what she sees as her control of you and the situation. She may even threaten to hurt herself in her attempts to regain control. Don't buy into it, it is just part of her game. make her own this.

You need to keep going forward at this point. Your actions now are affecting the situation in positive ways now where your previous ones werent in the past. This may not seem obvious right now, but I believe they will pay off for you in the future. Give it time and reap the benefit. Remember that this is a marathon not a sprint.Consistent action on your part will keep this moving forward and not allow it to flounder.

Happy new year Gordie, I feel it will bring good changes for you.

Gordie, our situations are a little different, but I can really relate to how you feel. I think, for me at least, the reason I feel like I've gone backwards a little in how I feel (confidence built back to sad/depressed) has to do with 1)holidays/family time...and 2) my W's change in reactions to me. By that I mean that when she is being "nice" or trying to act normal, it hurts me not to return with kindness. Not that I'm mean back, but I love her and want to be close to her. When it "seems" like she shows any interest at all, my natural inclination is to reciprocate. This has not served me well in the past (since BD anyways) so I've stopped doing it, but it makes me sad to go against my natural reaction, especially when it is towards someone I love and have spent the majority of my life with.

When I read about your W's attempts at sex and even the tears she shed, it made me wonder if some of your sadness comes from not being able to reciprocate when that's what you really WANT to do, even though you know you can't/shouldn't. I think being kind and loving is something that is a big part of you (and all of us or we wouldn't be here) and this situation is causing you to not be able to be yourself with someone you love. Maybe focusing on being as much of your natural self as possible in all other areas might help with the small parts where you can't. I feel like I keep getting caught up thinking that all my sadness is part of missing her, but I think a big chunk is me actually missing ME. I wonder if you might be experiencing some of the same.

I have found that helping people in need alleviate a lot of that for me. My sister had some plumbing issues a couple weeks ago and her husband is not Mr Fixit. I decided to go over and help her out and it was very gratifying to see the level of appreciation she showed. It felt so nice to be show love and help out and then to be appreciated in a real way for it. I had almost forgotten what that felt like. It made me feel like me again. Not sure if you are feeling the same way, but I wanted to share just in case you might be feeling like me.

You really are an inspiration to me. You may not FEEL like the pillar of strength that you are, but from the outside looking in you are THE MAN!! Thank you for coming here and sharing. Leaning on each other helps more than I would have ever guessed.

Hi Gordie, it sounds like you handled a difficult conversation pretty well - bravo to you - you have come a long way down a difficult road and learned something from the journey so far..

This sentence from her stood out for me:

"Being with OM2 is a gift that makes me realize how much I still love and care about you."

That is such a skewed perception about things and it gives some helpful insight as to where she's at. Do you notice that sentence is all about her and she doesn't really appreciate the fallout of being in a situation where being with one guy shows up another in a good light...

I agree with what seems to be the general advice on your thread. Moving out and not having to interact with her in this way will benefit you a great deal I think. You will have your own space for you and for your kids. And she may come into that space on your terms only. It will make a huge difference to your peace of mind I think.

Take care Gordie xx

Job—thanks. Our conversations about open M are over for now. She knows where I stand and is no longer an open conversation.

AP—thanks again. She was really pressing me about why I basically stopped begging and pleading. No, I did not mention d b. But that approach obviously wasn’t working, but she didn’t like it when I stopped.

Life Twists—interesting you (and others) see a more positive outlook whereas in my heart I feel in my heart that I’m getting to the end...of the final nail going in the coffin of it being over. I have no idea what happens after I move out.

Sjohn—that was very insightful. I hadn’t thought of that and it certainly rings true. I don’t like not being able to return her pursuit and attempts at emooonal connection and affection.

Sotto—when she said that like many other things, I just shake my head. So, being with him makes you appreciate me? It’s scrambled eggs for brains and thought...I just don’t get it.

Journaling:

I found an apartment that I don’t dislike and will meet my near term needs and budget. I put in an application and it’ll take a few days or so to process before I have to put down a deposit for a one year lease. I do this with a mix of sadness to leave the marital residence, but it no longer feels like home. I don’t know if the rental will feel like home either but I finally feel ready for this step.

Stbx has been in hot pursuit. She literally has followed me around the house! She tries to touch me when she can. She’s been cooking and cleaning and paying attention to the kids when at home. When she goes out without telling me where she is going or when she will be back I have been doing things with the kids. She doesn’t like coming home and all of us not being there, but that’s not my problem.

She asked me of my plans with the kids yesterday and I told her and she joined us. This no longer gets my hopes up or raises my expectations as I know she is still seeing OM2 and there’s no sign that is going to end any time soon. I know she’s getting her “family time” and “OM2 time” but I don’t yet feel comfortable telling her she can’t come with us as the little kids are always begging her to join us and it doesn’t spoil my fun.

One thing that has changed since I blew up a few weeks ago is that she has not brought the kids around OM2. I can’t control this but I do feel it is healthier for the kids not to have OM2 in their faces. I also fear once I move out she will start bringing OM2 around the house but can’t let that fear keep me from moving out.

Happy New Year to all! May 2018 bring peace, with or without our spouses. I really do appreciate how much support y’all have given me.

Happy New Year Gordie...All shall be well and I look forward to hearing how you settle into your new place. I would leave your W to stew in her own juices for a little while and enjoy some serenity.

Take care and here's to a better 2018 my friend

Happy New Year!

I agree w/Sotto...leave your w to stew in her own juices. It's time to truly take care of Gordie (and the kids).