Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

I saw a lot of the same crazy thinking in my h during the hardcore replay days. It was astounding to witness. I am sorry you are here.

I agree that it needs to be all about carving out sanity for yourself and this is not (at this time) about saving your marriage. If your actions scare her into ending it all with OM2 and "recommitting" to the marriage, then be 100% assured that it's all a front. She has years and years to go as right now she is only re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Something within her is very, very broken and nothing can fix that but loads and loads of time and lots and lots of processing. But first she will be playing whack-a-mole replay style for a good, long while. Nothing is going to feel right for too long.

We teach people how to treat us. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.

Bttrfly...I have been pondering your thoughts over the past 24 hours...you have given me a ton to chew on.

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Bttrfly: You're correct: writing it certainly does help get it out. I went to the desert and let a bunch of grief out there. My grief felt so deep and overwhelming, like if I let it loose fully it would destroy me and everything around me. My anger feels the same.

G: I love this description...feel like you've walked in these cursed shoes...yes, overwhelming.

Bttrfly: Give it to the earth - go outside to a trail or someplace in nature that's remote from people, if you can, and just let loose.

G: I love that idea, to go deep into nature...somewhere remote...however, it is freezing right now, but it won't stay this way.

Bttrfly: I don't read you as making yourself stuck in a victim role - rather, there are certain areas where you cannot do exactly as you'd like, because there are children involved.

G: If there weren't children involved, I think this would be over by now...not that I'm making excuses, but as you said, it makes things a lot more complicated.

Bttrfly: And I'm sorry Sotto, I have to say this, Gordie IS the victim here. His wife is behaving HORRENDOUSLY, mlc or no mlc, this is ridiculous. I'm saying this not so you can stay in a victimized place, but so that you can acknowledge it and move on. Bear with me - in my situation at one point during our mediation phase my then-stbxh unleashed on me during one of his rants that I was fully invested in being the victim and taking no responsibility for us getting there and that I was at fault for all of this. Somewhere in there is truth - I am partially to blame for the state of our relationship. A close friend happened to call before I could pull myself together. She asked me what happened, and I told her. She said, "Bttrfly, you ARE stbxh's victim. You and son both are his victims. You didn't ask for any of this. You tried to get him to go to therapy with you. He wants out and he wants to put it all on you. Just because you are the victim here doesn't mean you need to be victimized any further though." Gordie - that acknowledgement by someone of the reality of the situation somehow gave me more strength that day to mentally move out of a victimized place and closer to a place of restored personal power. So, in that spirit I say to you: You and the children ARE victims here, absolutely.

G: wow, just wow, that's eye opening. In my LBS journey, I feel like I started blaming myself for everything...and buying into my w's narrative that I was the monster and she was the victim. In that sense, I felt powerless in that I was trying to "pretzel" myself (as HaWho says) into whatever she wanted me to be and...none of it was good enough. During this time, a very good friend IRL gave me a truth dart and told me: this is not your fault, this has nothing to do with you. And gosh, I have never articulated to myself that I am a victim...but maybe you (and Ginger and others who have tried to tell me) are putting your finger on what is really driving me nuts.

Bttrfly: But - the choice is now yours: to first acknowledge that you are the victim here then decide whether or not you want to stay being victimized or take back your personal power. From where I sit, every time you calmly say to her some version of "I don't want to be in a 3 way relationship" you are taking back your personal power. Every time you refuse to play the game with her you take back a bit more of your personal power. Every time you focus on yourself and your children you take back yet more of your power. You have worked hard to own your piece of the pie. You have stood for your marriage for a very long time and done your absolute best to save it. That she is actually trying to have cake and not sign this divorce she insisted upon tells me that you've done such a good job she is no longer sure that happiness is truly outside of the marital home. You've cited many conversations where she is clearly distraught and not sure of what she wants. Well done! They never said it would be easy or comfortable, or a short road either. Remember that.

G: thank you, I do feel like my own personal growth has enabled me to take more of my power back. I didn't have the words (or willpower) before to do so, but it has come together this past month or so.

Bttrfly: I wouldn't assume she's excusing herself to be secretly with OM2. That might be the case. She may also be going into her room to cry alone. We just don't know. Of course you're going to have conflicting feelings of loving her vs being very angry and unloving. This is completely normal. Gordie, it won't always be this way, I promise you. You are in the midst of the absolute worst of it, right smack dab in the middle, but it will shift. You can get through this. You do have to do something physical...Don't slack off on good nutrition for yourself.

G: thanks, have been consistent with my exercise, but need to improve on the nutrition...and my sleep has been awful.

Bttrfly: And truly Gordie, I feel like this could go either way. She's really not sure. You're going to be the one making decisions here about this. Chose wisely my friend. Maybe you could take a few days off, go away somewhere alone and really think about what YOU want. She will be in your life one way or another for the rest of it as the mother of those children. The littlest ones - well, you've got a longer amount of time to interact with her than I did because of their ages. Give yourself some space and time away so you can focus solely on yourself, this situation and what you want; how you want to interact with her moving forward. I feel like you really need a long weekend alone in a hotel away from the family and familiar surroundings so you can decompress, find your center again, and do some honest soul-searching about what's best for Gordie in 2018. What's best for the kids will follow after you figure out in a quiet removed, neutral place what it is that you want most. Can you do all that?

G: thanks, I have tried to do this as much as possible. I have left home in the evening when she gets home from her day's activities (no mind reading) for each of the past two nights, just to give myself space to breathe...a weekend away by myself sounds luxurious...not sure I can swing that right now, but you have planted a seed.

AndrewP--thanks for the 2x4/truth dart...you are right that I am too focused on OM2...and that she is choosing "not Gordie"....sad, as you say, but true. And I know I'm not alone in this front, but her choice of men just baffles me...and frustrates me...and infuriates me...particularly because she thinks it's such a great idea for OM2 to be involved with the kids. But you are right...have to take my eyes off of that train wreck.

Job, thank you. I am well trained not to take my anger out physically against anyone...especially women, so don't worry about that one. Interesting what you say about sex. When I do say no, she does look more confused than rejected. Lastly, I am writing this from a friend's place right now, so I am taking your advice to heart!

LH19: IMO the number one thing that is keeping you from reconciliation is the fact that she knows she can have you back whenever she wants. The quicker you change her perception the quicker you recon. If you don't change that perception this could go on for years. How can you change it?

job: I agree w/LH19...your wife knows that she still has you on the hook and she thinks that if she finds the magical words, you'll jump over fire to be w/her. She needs to see that you aren't playing around here and are moving forward. She needs to realize that you aren't going to change your mind about open marriage and I would end that discuss each and every time she brings it up. She's in la la land and the sooner she faces the consequences of her actions, the better.

Life Twists: You need to take action to no longer feeling trapped. If your lawyer says its alright to move out the get going. Make appointments to look at new places. You need to take action for yourself at this point. You have already stated that you will not stay in an open marriage. The only way for you right now is to get going and get out. Why would you stay there in an un healthy situation? Why wouldn't you find a healthy situation for you and your kids? Right now you are feeling helpless. You need to change this by taking action. Standing for your marriage does not mean accepting being abused in the fashion you are enduring at this point. You are only a hero for standing and taking this abuse up to a certain point, after that you become a self made martyr. Don't become a martyr. We are all here in support of you Gordie. Sometimes one of us has to tell another to get going to take care of yourself and get yourself out of your hole you are in.

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LH19, job, Life Twists--wow...when I get the same message from three different supporters...(and I have gotten this message before)...it's probably because I need it. I have spent a lot of time over the past couple of weeks contemplating this...and am getting closer to pulling the trigger at moving out in January...with or without a signed agreement.

SBJ/Cali/Irish,

Thank you guys for understanding where I am and being there for me. And Cali...you are now a ghost from Christmas past...what you wrote..."I'm not unhappy, but I want to be happier"...that was my Christmas present from last year...those exact words!

Ownit,

"How can she say she didn't like having sex with you and then ask you for sex all the time?" This too baffles me...but as you and Bttrfly have pointed out, the first time I said no was when I felt empowered...and saying no every subsequent time has been easier and easier...but yes, it still pushes my buttons...and she knows it.

job and Hawho,

Thank you for the warnings of reconciling too early in the process...or too quickly...I don't think I'm in danger of that right now...but will certainly put that in the back of my brain...to take things very, very slowly...if that day every does come.

Team Gordie:

You guys are the best. This has been a rough week, and I feel like you all listened and gave me a lot of thoughtful responses. I really do listen to you and if you could hear some of my IRL conversations, you'd "see" your advice played out.

If I were to guess ... in MLC they tend to simply transfer the 'love' they once had for us towards the OP, but what they have difficulty doing is transferring all those shared memories and moments. Read enough and you will find several attempts to diffuse this ... the MLCr will take the OP to 'our spots' in an attempt to replace us and our memories with new ones.

I would take an educated guess that she desires sex just to confirm there is no connection between the two of you and to validate all her choices that have lead up to this much like taking the OP to your favorite restaurant or park.

CaliGuy - I beg to disagree. In my marriage my STBX used sex quite blatantly to "bind" me to her and from the other things that Gordie has written about her ramping up the ILY etc as he pulls away it seems to me (from the outside) that she's bringing every tool in her arsenal to bear, especially those that she's known to have worked in the past. My STBX was a pro at knowing what buttons to push and when they stopped working she got really confused.

Things are not going the way she wants them to and Gordie isn't following along to the fairy songs that are playing in her head.

In other things I've read, there are a few channels that will be used by a controlling person to manipulate their spouse. Charm, Rage, and Self-Pity. He's been fortunate in not seeing Rage.

Just like in my situation, when she thinks everything is going her way, she is happy as a clam and you could almost think that she's coming around.

Keep the defenses up Gordie. She'll undoubtedly either ramp things up or try another channel. I was going to post this as a joke but changed my mind. I just have a weird feeling. Make sure you stay safe and that you minimize the opportunities to be alone with her and when you are, keep your phone handy and see if you can find a voice-recorder app that is easy to use. Also - see what you can do to protect your finances if you haven't already. Perhaps see if you can adjust joint accounts so that they require two signatures to pull funds over X dollars. My bank offered to do that for me. I said no and almost exactly a year ago much of the savings account vanished and she went on an expensive Caribbean vacation with her guy.

Cali and AP,

You are both right. She has taken to OM2 to some of our places. I didn’t feel angry about this but sad. What made me angry was when she took OM2 with her to places that I take the kids.

Re sex, I think AP is right and I don’t want her to use sex to reel me back in. She has said she wants to feel if there is something there but I do not want to be in a “taste test” compared to OM2. Yuck.

Journaling:

The apartment I liked is no longer available. I went to see a different one today. I had to tell stbx as we need to further separate finances to facilitate my move. She shed some tears but I was business like.

The superintendent asked why I was moving and I told him. He said he too had a cheating w. He was married 20+ years and caught her in the act and threw them out. Their son was a teen so could choose his custodial parent and chose his dad and they never spoke to her again.