Wrapping up the last hour of my week with the girls. Christmas morning was awesome, they got up around 6 am and for the next 2 hours it was on! They got a lot of oll gifts, helped them open all of them, getting them out of the packages, setting up, etc. They got a couple of really funny game, 1 called Doggie Doo Doo and the other some toilet seat game that squirts water in your face. My oldest got Nitendo Switch so she has been no stop playing it.
After I got all the Christmas stuffed picked up and squared away for them we started in on brunch! So I poured myself a mimosa and stated in. Made cinnamon rolls, eggs, bacon and biscuits.
The W will be here in 1 hour and I am off the clock for the next week. We did get her a present from the girls so hopefully she will like.
All in all my spirits have been really high. I was a little sad last night at the candlelight service at church. As far as I could tell I was the only father their with 2 daughters. It made me proud and sad at the same time. As fas my W is concerned it is hard to explain but she was in no rush to see the girls or was in any hurry to get them today. It sort of feels like she is in prison or a rehab facility. She doesn't want to be around but wants me to send her pictures and videos. Then comments on how good the tree looked etc. like she can't be here but wants to feel connected.
I don't know if she wanted me to extend her an invite and tell her she needs to be at the house or that I want her here but I couldn't get myself to do it. I sent her a video this am when the girls got up of them walking into the living room at 6 am and she responded in 3 minutes. My W is not a morning person so I wonder if she was hoping I asked her to come up to the house? I know I am mind reading but I already invited her once and she turned down xmas eve. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. She knew the invitation was there so she made the choice.
I am such a proud dad this morning I can't even put it into words. Christmas was normally my wifes domain with the the buying and wrapping of the presents but I am proud of myself on my performance! My girls are incredible and I never once saw them sad, upset and they never asked any questions about where their mom was at.
I am trying hard not to judge or inpose my feelings on to her but I am really trying to be detached from the situation and let her behave how she wants. However I will say that I have lost some respect for her through this process. My kids have not said anything but I do wonder at times what is going through their head!
I hope everyone can find some peace on this day and for those of you just starting on the journey I can tell you it does get better!
! My girls are incredible and I never once saw them sad, upset and they never asked any questions about where their mom was at.
I wonder about this too, and my girls are older. They have seen their mom on the couch in the morning. This morning it was cold and I heard my W come in the MBR but then leave probably because I was takin up the bed and she couldn’t fit on the edge. My D11 said mom got into her bed and that’s why she woke. She never questioned why.
I don’t want to hijack your thread, just pointing out that kids don’t say anything. But they must notice.
I am sure one of them will ask me a question when they get older. Especially when they become more aware about relationships, MR, family, etc. When certain things come up in conversation I always stay positive to them about their mom. This morning I made sure they knew that the presents under the tree where from both Santa and mommy/daddy even though they were not labeled from us other than those from Santa. It is important to me that they feel no anger, ill-will, etc. because I went through that as a kid and I hated it.
I got her a present from the girls and she was definately surprised by it and I don't think she knew how to act. The girls were excited and I wanted to make sure the experience was positive. It felt good to take the high road and to show my W I am not an angry person. I also think if I was angry, showed resentment, etc. it would further re-enforce to her she made the right choice.
You need not be positive about their mom, be authentic, just don't be negative about her as a mom.
It's ok for your children to see you hurt, to know you love them, loved their mom and that her behaviour is not ok.
Otherwise when that time comes, your message is different from the one you have given all along. And authenticity means your children know you are not going to dodge the tough stuff in life and it's ok to be open. No secrets or making things jolly which aren't. In other words the truth as appropriate for their age, without drama or blame is fine. They know when parents aren't being authentic and it creates cognitive dissonance.
Nefler is right it is her loss and you can be sad for her.
Frankly I want to punch her on the nose with a wet flannel.
But that's V
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Truthfully I did think about a quick little strike to the hose but since violence is usually frowned upon I took an alternate route. I will be heading to the gym in about an hour so I will release it their.
I agree, I am definately not whistling zippidity do dah and it is probably more authentic and definately not hegative. I probably didn't articualte myself clearly. My goal through this process (if/when the D happens) is for my children to feel safe and comfortable with my W and I being in the same room with each other, interacting, etc. I never want them to feel uncomfortable around us.
Honestly I did/do feel sad for her...I am a compassionate person and as her husband, watching from a distance, it is painful to see her go through this process. When I think about trying to step in and intervening, saying something I revert back to these sentences about detaching:
Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
Anyway, since I am off for the next 2 weeks I started reading "Hold On To Your Nuts" and am working on my Non-negotiable, Unalteredable Terms for myself. I thought it was a good way to start 2018!
So I finished reading the book and below are my NUTS so far. I am going to print them out and out them on my mirror in the bathroom. I also started reading Love Must be Tough as well which re-enforces some of the principals on this site. Reading the books has got me thinking.
I have went back and forth on the board and in mind on whether or not I would file for D. Truth is, I don't think I can do it but do I really need to take a hard look at this and accept that I am going to have to? Is that my reality?. I have always said that I would never get D'd that I couldn't break my family apart. NUTS talks about being that rock. Is the my destiny? Is that who I am? It certainly fits who I think I am.
Then I think about infidelity and am in denial? No man has shown up on the scene but am I stupid to think there is not 1 or just random sex has not occured? Do I continue to play little bo peep and keep my head in the sand? We are separated so does it matter? How does that work with being a Rock and get interwoven with her feeling loss and suffering consequences. Obviously she has experienced some consequences but so far none of shaken her. I know the mind is a powerful thing but do I make decisions based on assumptions of more than likely their being OM?
Do I view some of what has happened as small, successful baby steps? She hasn't filed yet. She has warmed up to me. I don't see the same anger in her eyes and I sense that respect is being gained. Tough love talks about 1 of 3 things happening when a LBS lets go of the WW. The first is that the WW longer feel it is necessary to fight off the LBH and their relationship improves. It's not that the love is back but the strain is eased. Could this be the first step of something more as the journe continues?
Tough Love also talks about not dying a slow death and making these types of decisions early on can really make or break your MR. I know it can happen but I would assume the longer this goes on the more comfortable people get and the harder it is to return.
I don't really think about this stuff night and day but reading the books has me asking questions. On a side note I did go to the gym this am and I am having some man time tonight with some friends
1. Exercise 5 days a week 2. Attend church weekly 3. Be present at home with the family putting technology away 4. Spend time with other men monthly 5. Only apologize when appropriate 6. Always do what is in the best interest of my children even if they disagree. 7. Patience over anger 8. Compassion for my family 9. Contact my two best friends every month 10. I will not sweat the small stuff 11. I will spend time daily reading 12. I will ask for what I want and not shy away from it. 13. I will express but not defend my feelings. 14. I will listen 15. I will not argue 16. I will do what it takes to keep my family together
1. Don't pee in the backyard. 2. Bathe regularly or semi-regularly. 3. Stop posting nonsense on the DB forum.
I'm having trouble with two and three. Actually, I'm having trouble with all three of them, but the first one isn't that big of a deal except when the neighbors are outside.
J - I’m guessing it’s worth to get the NUTS book huh? I’m thinking about it. I like your list. I need to do something similar.
You asked a lot of good questions. I don’t have any answers.
I think the OM question is the one that bothers me most in terms of what to do. Am I a chump if I do a few things with her, even if it’s for the kids. Am I enabling cake eating? Am I showing self respect? Because if OM or even casual dating or whatever was confirmed then I would do things differently. There is no way for me to find out now unless she admits it. So what do you do?
I’m guessing your position to stand for the MR for longer has been clarified huh?
