Please note that anything I say here is out of sheer empathy and me feeling very much how you have at one point.
I am still trying to wrap my head around why you are refusing any sort of financial support for your kids. While your ex was very disrespectful in the way he said it, he has a point. he admitted that he couldn't do this financially if roles were reversed. That him having you on his insurance, or easing the financial load for you where he can, is beneficial to your kids. You should be proud of the job you love, absolutely. he was a real dick for saying otherwise.
My ex left me with a baby and I was the main bread winner. So, I got the joy of paying for majority of her very expensive childcare. And just a bit in child support. And majority of the custody. To this day (9 years later) he pays what he should and not a penny more. Literally, not a penny more. Heck, if he wanted to throw me extra, I would grab it in a hearbeat!
I was where you were, all "he left US" I don't need this, I don't want that, you ditched your family, we don't need you..."
Reality is, my daughter needs her father. Else we would be so far away right now. Some parents take care of their kids in different ways. If he wants to financially support the kids, don't be a martyr because you are hurt by him leaving. let him do this. Not to absolve him of leaving. Not absolve him parental negligence. But it only hurts the kids and you to not take it, or to argue it, or to give him the same speech. (I gave my ex the speech all the time "I was a good wife, I loved you, you left our family, you cheated, blah blah blah", he learned to blank it out).
You are the mother of these children and you are doing an excellent job. But being the martyr is exhausting. Take the money for the younger kids, let the older kids handle the money situation with their dad, and you decide what is best for you financially. Stop worrying about what he thinks when he gives you the money. he only has as much power as you give him over your life.
Ok... martyr?? Far from there.. Ex-h uses this money to shove it in my face everytime he can.. like i do not contribute myself. Like i am a free loader on him.. This is not the case.. POWER over us.
The truth is all of his money has gone to the kids.. my money pays for our monthly bills and mortgage. I have no debt other than my mortgage wich is not much. He has given us, in extras, enough to pay off my house and i would have money left over.. he has contributed more than he had to. I am not and will not be dependant on him. I was dependant on him when i was a stay at home mom. In my opinion, it was appropriate as we were life partners and both agreed on it. We are not anymore and he forfilled his obligations in regards of the children.
His reason is NOT in his words. The real reason is because he is no longer attached to me.. what makes me say this? Simple.. he could very easily take on the full responsability of managing the kids expenses and banking. Why use MY personnal account? Why not put it in the kids account himself? Why have me do it? Ex- h runs away from responsabilities. He will give you EVERYTHING you need to get the job done but he will not do the job himself.. if you point it out to him, he will critisize you on your " poor performance"
And the worst part is: he sees his worth in his money. Yes Andrew, the 5 love languages. Lol my ex is never happy. He shops constantly. 3 table sets in 1 year.. 3 vehicules in 1 year.. 5 coffee tables in 1 year.. etc.. temprary good feelings.. This was accuring 9 years ago and i could not keep up with it anymore. Ex-h needs to appreciate what he has and cherish it.. he is not a handyman. He trades in. I' m a fixer. I am an handy woman. Too much i am told. My SIL says i need to leave room for a man to come in. Lol i would feel like i am using him.. i would prefere doing it together... Back to ex-h... he is a "shoppehalic" on credit .. he is max to the max. Why not pay his stuff?? Nope.. he pays a credit card, he' ll max it the next week.. i feel sorry for him in a way. His heart is empty without his money. His worth is on $$$$.
Which is why he looks down on everyone else. Nothing and no one is ever enough.. I know darn well that even if i purchased a 500 000 dollar home, it will not measure up to his standard.. it will be in the wrong neibourhood or shitty neighbour or plain " no way can I afford this because I AM so minuscule of a person "
Son got into a car crash last week- end..his first instinct was to call me. (ex-h is a cop.. this says alot) He did not know what to do. I guided him through the steps to take. We rushed over there eventho him and his girlfriend were ok. We spent the evening with them. Took them grocery shopping. D17 offered her own car to them until his get fixed. He did not take it. So i told him i would be back this week-end to run arons with them.. we planned it for this coming sunday. Son told ex-h about his accident after we left his place. Son told me: " he wasn' t mad but i think he will have more questions for you then for me"..
Ex- h did not contact me. As a matter of fact, no one heard from him until yesterday. He asked D17 and D14 if they wanted to go to North Bay with him today.. He bought another car( no, not for so ..lol ). The girls had school. And D17 is working this week- end. They both refused. I heard of it this afternoon. No mention of son. No concern over them all week. If i make the smallest mistake in the procedure, i or they will hear about it yet he won' t do sh*t!!
Ever wonder why we are the way we are toward our ex's?? I never thought i had it in me to be sooo resentful and i could be sooo degraded and be treated in such disregard.. i truely beleived these feelings would go away.. i do not care as much but i still do care..
Anyone who has a narcissist as an ex would understand my reasoning and my processing..
Here is part of an article that describe my ex-h to the t...
the pathologically narcissistic man experiences significant distress and impairment, including interpersonal problems, a tendency toward chronic feelings of depression, and suicidality. In the words of the authors, “Where a stable but dynamic view of the self — including realistic positive appraisals — is a normal component of identity, pathological narcissism is defined by unstable and/or maladaptive regulation of self-image”. These men can alternate between grandiose needs to draw attention to themselves in the process of seeking admiration, and extreme vulnerability, in which they experience extreme sadness and low self-esteem.
In addition to the mental health consequences of pathological narcissism, men with these qualities engage in dangerous self-destructive behaviors, including risky sexual behavior, reckless driving, and excessive drug and alcohol use. Their tendency to take risks, along with substance use, reflect a desire to get attention, but also to overcome feelings of shame and emptiness. The aggressiveness they can also show stems from feeling that their self-esteem is threatened, as stated by Kealy et al: “Externally directed rage is thus thought to temporarily relieve the painful effects associated with a weakened self-representation and restore a sense of potentie.
Using what’s known as the “Super-Brief Pathological Narcissism Inventory” (SB-PNI), the Vancouver team surveyed a national sample of Canadian men who, additionally, reported on their frequency of maladaptive behaviors and general psychological distress. The SB-PNI includes self-report items on “grandiose” narcissism, such as “I often fantasize about performing heroic deeds,” and “I like to have friends who rely on me because it makes me feel important.” Narcissistic “vulnerability” is assessed on the SB-PNI with items such as “It’s hard to feel good about myself unless I know other people admire me.” Men reported on their maladaptive behaviors on a questionnaire asking them about their patterns of drug use, alcohol use, anger/aggression (“I was verbally aggressive to others”), and risk-taking (“I drove dangerously or aggressively”; “I took unnecessary risks”). A measure of anxiety and depression assessed feelings of nervousness, hopelessness, and worthlessness.
Take the money! Pay off your mortgage! He owes you!
I know it feels like being obligated to him but you're NOT. He owes you and you should take it. Set up savings for future grandchildren. Take a trip to Europe.
I'm so glad that your son is OK. I had a serious car crash about 8 years ago myself and know how traumatic even as an adult that can be. I was physically fine - some bruises that nobody seemed to want to see ;-) ) Emotionally though I was overwhelmed and was grateful on how my wife swooped in and handled things in a very capable fashion.
You can be proud that your son's first thought was to reach out to you for help. The sane parent. The person that can be relied on to make things "right". One of the scary things for me after being left along was the feeling of "operating without a net".
I was wondering reading your posts over the last few months if perhaps you'd married one of my ex-in-laws? I recognize the traits you talk about, especially the issues around money. My ex-father-in-law has at least one illegitimate child and spent time in your neck of the woods when he was younger so ....
I agree with you on distancing yourself from your ex and his efforts to control you with his chequebook and importance. My exFIL would regularly play his kids off against each other for most of their lives talking about their inheritances. This from a blue-collar railway worker. He would also use the possibility of loaning or co-signing money as a hold over us early in our marriage. We did accept a small loan for a down-payment on a car once and for the next 20 years heard about it all the time and how it was itemized and would come out of the inheritance. He also regularly had new toys, cars, maxed out credit cards etc etc - you know the song. His son was the same way. I recall being hushed severely by my STBX when he insisted that he pay for lunch one day. He was quite aggressive about it and carried it in the manner of "I'm well off (also blue-collar railway) and I am deigning to feed you". I'm well shut of that crowd and I can understand your desire to get out from under that cloud. If you take his coin he will believe that he is calling the tune.
As far as the money goes - it's just stuff. And stuff isn't important. Your kids are pretty much largely making their own ways in the world already as are you. One big worry that I would have from my own experience with this sort of person is that they do have an expectation that it is a two-way obligation. You absolutely don't want to be in a position where you are obligated to have to bail his butt out of whatever hole he may end himself up in. Because if he gets to that point it will be a big, deep, stinky hole full of bears and snakes.
I do think that one of the reasons for my STBX running off was her own dissatisfaction with our life compared to others especially her relatives. That ignores the massive debt carried by many of them or the family money that others came into. Perhaps she found her golden ticket in her guy and will get the hot-tub and backyard pool and a house where the thermostat goes up over 19 celcius that she perhaps dreamed of.
I'm impressed at your "handyperson" skills. Everyone should be able to do simple repairs. My daughter is actually more handy than my son because it was usually her that was willing to hold the flashlight or pass the tools when I was working on things. And she is a very feminine woman as well. If only you knew how to weld and my divorce was final I'd drive right up and propose to you this afternoon One of my father's favourite sayings was "A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife". On the other hand you probably wouldn't like living in what an old aquaintance of mine from Yellowknife calls "The brown south" far away from your kids despite the fact that there's a nice little store across the street that the older couple who runs it is probably looking for a buyer for.
Think of yourself as the "paperbag princess" - I'm sure you know the Robert Munsch story. Self-rescuing princesses are the most awesome.
You have a lot to be proud of and are an amazing and exquisite person. Perhaps some days it just feels like you are trying to put one foot in front of the other or that you are being dragged back but you sound like you have your eyes firmly on your own Far Shore.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Bingo!!! Andrew, you know EXACTLY what i am dealing with. Your story about your in-laws describe what i have been trying to explain. Thank you !!!
I am worried about ex-h' s huge debts. He does NOT trust himself when it comes to money. Without me handleing this for our children, they would have tons of gifts and zero dollars to help them start on their own.
Welding... lol .. sorry.. welding, electrical and mechanical are off my talent list.. i do construction ( roofing, siding, flooring, dry wall and more )and plumbing. A few small engine repair with the help of Mr.Google ( he is my best friend ). In my younger days ( not years, days.. sounds better lol ) my hooby was building small things. I loved power tools and thought one day, i would own all the wood tools to do any job. He did not happen. I own a few. Enough to get my upgrades done around the house. I also thought my kids how to build a deck, how to fix a deck, how to use a drill, a skill saw, a meter saw, a sander, their brain in problem solving. All 4 are very creative and talented.. now, they are teaching me a few things!! i love it!
Buying a small business... it has cross my mind.. still does...
Last year, while visiting Kate, i saw an empty building by the lake. We started brainstorming about the kind of business that would do well in the area. By the time we were done, we had at least 4 new additions to the building to suit the expension and demand of our customers.. from boat, canoe, kayak rentals to watersport clothing lines to snack bar to reception hall/ cathering by the lake.. lol a 25 years project constructed in a couple of minutes.. lol
The Sobeys store owner idea is too big of a scale for me. It would become my entire life. I owned a restaurant when i was young. Nothing big and not gor long. I was smart in my approach. We had a garantied income from contractors at the mine. I took the business to complete their contract. I rented the building and purchased the inventory. Once their contract was over, i sold the inventory to the new owner. This is where i knew business was for me. I loved it. I succeeded and i was proud.
We' ll see.. if i do not own my own again, i' ll manage for someone else..
I'll leave it alone after this, but I guess I am making my point kind of strong to point out something that might help you actually detach and move on.
Taking this money would actually be a step in detachment. Your actions are still so attached to what he might think, say, or feel. That will keep you attached forever. You say he is a narcissit and that is the way he controls others: with money. Well, he can only control you with it if you let him, and letting him has nothing to do with taking the money or not. It's about caring so much how he will feel or thing depending on what you chose.
Say you take the money and he feels like some Super hero? Who cares?! Let him feel that way? What does him feeling that way have to do with you anymore. If my ex actually wanted to help with my home, I would take it. He would feel like the king of the world, but how he feels about it doesn't matter to me at all.
This is when I finally felt free. When I didn't care how my actions made him felt. I had surgery in August and couldn't do much. My car batter was very low and the place tried to charge me and arm and a leg. he knows cars, so I asked where I could get a good price. He offered to go to Costco, get the battery and install it for me. The first few years he didn something nice like this, I would refuse, but I didn't want him to think he was some great person for doing something so nice for me when he is a cheater. Now? I don't care if he feels like he swooped in and saved the day. I accepted the nice gesture and was glad I didn't have to worry about it or spend more money.
You are capable of many good things as you listed. You are extraordinarily independent and that is great. You should be proud of yourself. I lack every handy skill there is, lol.
If he can only feel good because he thinks people admire him, so be it. If it makes him feel like super great nice guy because he gave you money I agree with KML, you most definitely deserve, so be it!
You know who you are and what you are capable of. Nothing else matters!
Son' s girlfriend was kicked out of ex-h' s house.. remember? Accusing her of trying to trap son with an unexpected pregnancy which turned into her hospitalisation and suicidal episode followed by both of them moving in with me .. turns out she had a tumor and blood clot on one of her ovaries. She is currently treated for it . The clot is gone and the tumor is changing color which means it is dying.. an update exam is schedule for next week. Needless to say she "hates" ex-h.
Ex- h cut his foot a few weeks ago. It got infected. Last week, he went to Emerg and discovered he is a full blown diabetic. He has been for the last 7 years. It is in his file but was never made aware of it. ????? Last thursday, he went to visit son and pleated with son' s gf to team up with him and sue the hospital since it took them 2 months to get back to her with her tumor..
I do not know if she will take part in this.
I was sadden but not surprised by ex- h' s diagnosis.. it runs in his family to the extant of amputation. His grand- father, his mother, his aunt...
I am hoping he will heal fully.. right now, he is in a cast and ain' t suppose to stand for long period of time. Last week, my 2 daughters ran into him at the mall. He pretended not to see them but son told him: "aren' t you gonna say hi to your daughters? " D17 said the encounter was ackward. She was afraid he would be mad at her for going to Timmins with her little sister, without me. I think he would be mad at me for not going with them but it does not matter. He will be mad if he is in the mood..
Ex-h is right.. he told me FOR YEARS.. this is not about me or how it makes me feel.. I GOT IT!! It finally was understood last night..
We had a family gatthering in Quebec last night. I drove to pick-up my son and his girlfriend the night before after work. They spent the night here and we left first thing in the morning. On our way back from Quebec, Son started receiving texts from his dad asking if we were back yet.. how were the roads etc.. loving, caring man that he is.
Well guess what.. I KNOW DARN WELL THAT IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN AN ACCIDENT, HE WOULD NOT HAVE COME TO OUR RESCUE.. BEEN THERE.BOTH ME AND SON. so why? Why? Why????
i feel like a prisonner. I feel stuck. I am angry and i want to make it better for everyone. I am feeling like i am only good to serve and shout up. I am here to bare all and dare needing anyone. I am not in a good state of mind at the moment.
I feel like i am the new midlife criser and if i was to walk away from it all, everyone would get what they want. For ex- h : His kids, his gf, his money, his life without me. For the kids: a chance to have 2 people who work together to create a good life for them. For me: well, who cares???
Now, let' s rewind: if i was to abandon my life as it is, what would be the truth? What i have stated above or the devastation i would create?
I KNOW ex-h would NOT be happy wven if i gave him the life he THINKS he wants. If he really wanted to be a father to his children, he would step up. In his heart of guilt, he has a HUGE INSECURITY.He does not beleive he is good enough to be a good father. I wish he would realise that he was and that he could still be. For my kids : would this new family make them feel whole again?? No. They would feel neglected, abandonned and worthless all over again.
IT IS ALL ON HOW WE LOOK AT IT.. We ALL justify our choices to suit ourselves.. WHY NOT CHOOSE THE GOOD LIFE!!
It is not about me or how it mskes me feel??? It is not about the kids and how it makes them feel????
I say otherwise: IT IS ABOUT US!! And i could NEVER do to them what he has done to us. I could not live with myself.
This is what i have learn from this sh*t h@ll called MLC.
One of my father's favourite sayings was "A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife". On the other hand you probably wouldn't like living in what an old aquaintance of mine from Yellowknife calls "The brown south" far away from your kids despite the fact that there's a nice little store across the street that the older couple who runs it is probably looking for a buyer for.