Quote: I don't blame you for feeling skeptical about my own transformation, because it seemed to come out of nowhere, and I also have not proven it by action yet.
Sorry... I just thought of something clever, so I'll add it:
It may be tempting to think this is just the latest "Flavor of the month". Is it? I don't think so. I've tasted those flavors before, and this is nothing like those. If this is just the latest "Flavor of the month", then this is an amazingly good month!
Quote: I am now making the goal to have a great marriage, and that will include all aspects of marriage, and in particular sex and affection. That is my goal.
How can you make a goal that requires participation and buy-in from someone else? That's completely unrealistic. Sorry.
Quote: So what are my "Choices" that will get me there? A great marriage requires that the correct choices be made by two distinct individuals.
You have absolutely 0, zilch, nada, no control of the choices that your W makes. I repeat...YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OF THE CHOICES THAT YOUR W MAKES. So why make a goal that only one person has buy-in for?
Tim is right...it was bad of me to point everyone to Chapter 11 before I had read the first parts. That particular chapter rung a bell with me for some reason but now that I've read the beginning, it makes even more sense. Actually, if you focus on yourself while reading PM, there are probably 10 breakthroughs you will have before reaching that chapter.
Tim and I are in the exact same place right now...a little uncertain about what to do but I think we are currently mastering an important part of "differentiation" - self-soothing by invalidating all of our behaviors that are results of us looking for validation from others (W included) and man...it feels cool. I think I'm struggling with my "identity" when I've never really had a clear sense of it do to my overwhelming "reflected sense of self" that comes from other people. That's why I'm so good at my job....irrational fear of seeing myself as a loser in the eyes of my team.
In the meantime, I'm not going to commiserate with you and I definitely don't want you making any comments in this thread until you have read the book. You are starting to sound like a broken record with your doom-and-gloom story of how you are trapped. And yes, this situation has some paradoxical elements in it that you need to intelligently navigate your way out of.
Here's my challenge to you CeMar.... SuperDave is buying PM today. Start reading and let's see which one of you has "the epiphany" first. Tim knows what I'm talking about.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
BTW. Here's a choice that I just thought of that will illustrate a "differentiated" mind....
Emotionally Fused : "I choose not to fart in front of my W because my W would think I was gross" Differentiated: "I choose not to fart in front of my W because I have integrity and pride".
Not sure what made me think of this...maybe my lunch from Taco Bell.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Careful, Dave... acting more differentiated than you are inhibits differentiation... (go figure THAT one out!).
OTOH, has anyone noticed neither Dave nor I are looking to Corri or anyone else to validate how we've changed? We've already validated that for ourselves...
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hello all...let me introduce myself...I'm tulip and I'm a former WAW. I have been lurking here for months as I'm also trying to work on my SSM. I've come a long way I think. I am inspired and moved by you all!
I am very intrigued by this book you are discussing. My H is reluctant to read books like this. But I'm hearing that it is worthwhile even if only read by one of the persons in the marriage. Correct?
I'd also like to add that there is hope out there. Things can change. I was/am the LD in the marriage. We had a spell of no ML for over 6 months. And other times were feeling like "obligation sex" to me. I know that is NOT very long for some of you but I realized this was a HUGE problem AFTER I decided to work on the R and not just get the big D. This month we have ML six times (I think that is pretty good! ). I still want better though.
I'm going to order this book today. I find the concept of differentiating very intriguing. I am constantly judging my worth as to how others view me. Will this book really help me with that??
Quote: This month we have ML six times (I think that is pretty good! ). I still want better though.
Wow, I think that is FANTASTIC! That's more times than W and I have managed all year so far. Keep it up, and I'm wowed at the fact that you want better.
Quote: My H is reluctant to read books like this. But I'm hearing that it is worthwhile even if only read by one of the persons in the marriage. Correct?
Absolutely no doubt in my mind. I do think it will help if both partners read it, and I intend to invite W to read it, but the way I'm going to phrase that invitation is something like "You know I've been reading this book practically non-stop. I want to let you know that reading it has been an earth-shaking experience for me, and I want to share that with you, because I love you and I want our marriage to be the best it can be. This book has given me a look at how things CAN be, and I very much WANT us to get there. Based on what I've read here, I'm going to be going through some changes on a personal level, and if you will read this book with me, it will give you a framework for understanding some of the changes that will be happening to me and to our relationship. You don't have to read it, but I'd very much like you to."
Quote: I am constantly judging my worth as to how others view me. Will this book really help me with that??
That is EXACTLY what this book is all about. Good luck, and I'll let you know how things go for me as well...
Tim, Thanks for the fast reply! I do intend to try and get H to join me in reading this. Especially since it sounds sorta life-changing . I like your suggestion on how to approach it and I plan on using it.
On differentiating and always worrying about how others (H included) feel/perceive/think about me...I wonder if this has contributed to my being LD. I remember being very "free" when it came to ML in the beginning of my marriage. The fact that I became LD, I think, comes from not wanting to be judged by H and also the pressure he put on me for NOT wanting to ML. As strange as it sounds I have almost become more inhibited the longer we are together. You would think it would be the opposite. I feel he may think I'm "slutty" if I initiate, so I don't. Is this because my focus has shifted to being a mom? Again, I don't know. See how I worry how he is perceiving me and how he is really feeling is not that at all!?! So complicated.
Thanks for the welcome and I hope I can contribute once I've started reading!!
