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CT118,

Once again, thanks for the solid advice!

Clyde,

You should continue to take it slow. Let the baby steps happen. She seems to be opening up. Don't push to hard. Dont forget to validate. My W respond wells when I tell her how much I appreciate all she did for my boys and I.

Do you know your wife LL? if so, start working fulfilling them.

You are right to let her bring up the convo about moving back in.

Dont rush or get to anxious. Let what's going to happen, happen.

You got this. Keep doing what works.

Clyde,

I wish you the best and sounds like things are improving. Keep doing the things you are doing to make that happen.

The reason they say keep expectations at zero is that this is not a linear path and there are no guaranteed outcomes. My stbx kept pursuing me and then backing off. On and off and on and off.

Sounds to me like you are treading the right balance between being available and ending things on your terms (I like that you ended the 2.5 hour relationship talk by having to go).

It can be tough to figure out how much to back off in a situation like yours but I say the proof is in the pudding - as you've focused more on yourself and stopped pursuing, she seems to be reaching your way more.

The 5 Love Languages book is gold. (Don't know why you need a separate one "for men", but whatever). The basic priniciple is that there are 5 Love Languages, most of us tend to prefer to receive 2 languages that we "speak". So if you are showing love to your partner in one of the languages that she doesn't "speak", she can't hear what you're saying and doesn't feel loved.

The five languages are:
Words of Affirmation (Compliments)

Touch (not sexual, but hugging, touching, back rubs etc. I'm a touch person and my last boyfriend was honestly the first one I've ever had who was the same as me in this department, it was nice to be able to touch without feeling like my partner wanted me to stop bugging them))

Quality time (My ex was a quality time guy, he hated it if I was multitasking making dinner while he wanted to tell me about his day - I had to learn to stop what I was doing and sit still and listen)

Acts of Service - prime example is a guy detailing his wife's car for her - is she's a words of affirmation person, she would prefer to receive a flowery card. (Btw, I think people that DO acts of service usually want to RECEIVE words of affirmation - "oh honey, that's so great that you did that thing/made that thing for me". So if your wife is prone to doing acts of service, realize she may be looking for words of affirmation)

Gifts - some people really like things. The right things. The things they circled in the catalogue. That thoughtful gift that you agonized over picking out to surprise them is NOT as valuable to them as that specific titanium ice axe that they circled in the REI catalogue. (Example from my ex lol). (Btw - words of affirmations people like gifts mostly if they embody affirmations, such as jewelry that is inscribed with a romantic thought etc. For them, the value is in the thought. For the Gifts person, the value is in the value of the gift, and it being what they asked for).

By recommending this book, she is possibly recognizing that you were speaking to her in languages she didn't understand (for instance, working long hours to support your family as an Act of Service, when she as a Quality Time person was just feeling the lack of that time together?)

joejoe1,

Thanks for the advice/input. It is hard, but I agree... the baby steps are the best way to proceed. That being said, the W's sudden willingness to discuss love languages and so forth is a drastic change from the last month and a half of convos why she walked away, and prior to the last month and a half how she dispised me.

I've been following your sitch, I'm so happy for you and the family. Keep at it, as good as things were during the best of times, I truly believe a R that can survive these types of tribulations will far surpass the highlights of the R in the past.

Gordie,

Thanks for the well wishes and advice. They are much appreciated!



I'd be lying if I was to say my expectations were at zero (trying my hardest to stay grounded), I do keep in mind though that it was just a little over two and a half weeks ago she felt it necessary to inform me that the family dinners/outings etc. should not be misconceived as progress/hope for the MR.

Clyde,

My told me so many things today about how she felt. I will have to make an update on my post later. I need time to read over and make corrections. I'm tired of posting on my phone with my time multiple errors.

Keep up the hard work you are doing great.

Correction,

"My W told me".

Ahhhhhhh, I hate to no edit feature.

I hate the

kml,



I would definitely agree, while I have slipped and shown signs of pursuit (ok, maybe a little more than "signs"), my actions have drastically 180'd over the past 2 months, (I can thank the advice I received here along w/ the knowledge I gained from reading others threads/sitch's here).

Its recognizing what that space has provided that encourages me to continue to take it slow, be patient, give her space, and let her decide she wants to be part of this R rather than try to convince her.




I'm almost through the book, it has so much good info/insight.

I was at her apartment this a.m., I asked her what the difference between the "mens edition" and the original 5 LL's was. She said "I don't know, I'll go grab the original, it's on my nightstand." (I feel that is a good sign she is also reading it). We discussed one another's LL's.

She said she thinks my LL is receiving gifts, but that she does not feel as though she can meet the mark and referred to my guitar collection (95% was acquired in my bachelor years) and that she could never afford a gift of that caliber. I reminded her of a wooden box I have, in it are all the love notes she has ever written me, one of which was just a simple "I love you" written in green marker that she left on my pillow back when we were dating... I laminated it and carried it in my wallet for close to 10 years till it was pretty much deteriorating, I told her those are the gifts that matter to me.

I asked if hers was quality time, she said not as much as acts of service. I've started to brain storm some ways to do this as it is not as easy to do since we are living in separate households. Trying not to pursue makes this one even more difficult at the moment...