Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to Do? 5

Chris...I have struggled at times with this as well. Do I reach out, should I send her a card, write a letter, etc. It sounds good when I think about it but then I fall back on bomb drop, her moving out, her still not making an effort at recon, her not doing a lot of things. That makes me halt in my tracks.

She has no problem moving out, telling me she doesn't love me, telling me she is not attracted to me, telling me she is bored but now she has a problem telling me she loves me again and wants to recon? I don't buy it.

I wouldn't do anything. My W doesn't have a confirmed OM and I am not doing anything. Your W has a confirmed OM and you are going to pour your heart out for what reason?

IMO it makes you look weak......it indicates you don't respect yourself. Stay the course.

IC's are good to have to talk about your own $hit but IMO not qualified to give out marital recon strategies. They are no more qualified than my retired mom.....IMO

Chris,

Only you know your W. What has she reacted too? It's confusing I know. But you have to do What works. Have you try to do what this IC has told you to do before. If not, then try, evaluate and then move forward. Pay attention, to your W actions. Remember believe not of what she says and half of what she does.

CHRIS,

IMO if you pour out your heart and soul in a card To your W her and the OM will get a good laugh out of it and this will confirm to her you are still plan B.

That BS [censored] only works in today’s movies.

I agree that OM and W will be laughing, while in the bed together.

Tread, that was rough, man. I'm sure Chris doesn't need any help making mental movies.

Chris, I think a lot of IC's have trouble seeing the point of DB'ing. A good friend of mine is an IC, and she's always saying I need to just come out and openly discuss the R with STBXW, and ask her if she wants to recon.

Yea, that was a bit harsh; ha. But I can laugh it off...

So ever since the BD, I have been trying to figure this whole situation out for myself. I read so much stuff, thought about it night and day, etc...and I landed on this board. I have read so much work that people have put into their our sitch'es using the BD methods; and the science/theories behind it sound very smart and logical. The most I will take from all these techniques is the actual divorcing remedies... The ideas of the cheese less tunnels, the "act as ifs"; basically all the theories behind how to make the marriage thrive. And for the most part I would think each and every IC/MC would consider those techniques to be very healthy for a M.

The hard part about the DB techniques is the NC/DARK/DETACH; which is were my IC/MC disagrees with. It is hard to wrap my head around the two very different view points when dealing with the same situation.

If it’s hard for you to put your finger on it, don’t feel the need to explain or defend. Just say something neutral like “I need a break” or if you want to be more pointed “You are making me uncomfortable” and then walk away.

Chris.....in reality your not working on your MR. Your not working on it because your W doesn't want to work on it. If she did you would know it, she would not have left. So lets say you write a letter and send it. What would you do if nothing changed? What would your next move be? IMO your rolling the dice but if she doesn't respond like you want her to would you continue waiting around as is or would you really move on mentally or file for D yourself?

Your W has lied to you and is still talking to our whatever with OM. Why do you feel the need to chase?

I just texted my W b/c she has a few tools I need; and she told me her garage code to get into her house. I said Thanks.

She came back with: "And yes, I'm having fun and so is the bride and groom" --- they are still in Mexico.

This is just screaming passive aggressive from her end. It also plays into what IC told me...W is trying to get me to reach out to her.

This whole thing has got me twisted today!!! AHHH!!!! thank gosh football is on tomrw to take my mind off everything. Going to my buddies house to watch the games with some peeps.

To add; it's funny b/c W never texted me when I was out of town for my buddies wedding; that she didn't come too. She never asked if I was having a good time with my family and friends; and I know she didn't text the bride or groom that weekend.

It's like I have to put in work, but she doesn't... what's up with that?

This is how she felt our R/M was before the BD. I "never put in emotions"...

I hate all this.