Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not sure how much is MLC

Hi MStarr-
Now is the time to focus on yourself. Sounds to me like much of your married life has been focused on your H's addiction issues. This time now is a gift, to construct a healthier happier life for yourself and your boys.

If he is failing at business, what is your financial situation and future plan? Can you support yourself and your boys if he becomes unemployed? If you can get yourself into a financial situation where you are ok with or without his financial support, it can make your decisions about the relationship much clearer.

What are your dreams and ambitions? What have you not pursued because your husband took up all your energy, or because he would have belittled your ambitions? If you could have the life you wanted 5 years from now (in this scenario, imagine your H was abducted by aliens or run over by a truck) what would that life look like?

Ha Who is right
the ow is usually one with serious issues

the mlcer is looking for an escape and most of them will take up with ow very quickly to run from their issues ,pain an d addictions
but this just takes them worse as time goes on

you will see,,he can't out run his unresolved issues with people, alcohol and drugs but they do try

The LBS on the other hand can make serious progress in them selves by doing what KML says
focus on you
figure out what you need to heal
cry grieve and reconstruct a better future
make plans, goals, take up an instrument or paint id you have ability
This time will transform you if used properly
all the best
Peace

Well here we go with the MLC script; he wants to move things along as quickly as possible. I think there is a girlfriend in the picture. I know it's not all MLC and it was a troubled marriage, but it blows me away how someone can go from a 20 year marriage right into a new relationship. We are still married! THis feels like an alternate reality I can't wake up from.

I felt the same..could not understand how xh could move on so fast
our M also was troubled, but I was still shocked
he was a totally sober man, a dedicated dad and financially successful

fast forward about 10 years xh divorced the OW
last I heard he was miserable and addicted to drugs/alcohol

they will feel the pain of all that they choose and lost but not till later
they will run in replay as long s they can until the OW and all the addictions don't work to create euphoria
we feel the loss now..its better to be in your shoes than his

use this time to clean your own house and let things happen
we cant control them

you will wake up in a better place

This is exactly what I need to hear this morning. It is better to be in my shoes than his, and I will work on getting my own life and mental health together. Thank you Peace!

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday! H had my boys to take to his family gathering and I went to a friend's. It was a great mix of family and friends. Everyone was very welcoming to me, and the conversation was fun. Very lovely, traditional Thanksgiving. Today, I will celebrate with my boys our own Thanksgiving. It is hard work to take care of ourselves everyday while we feel so devastated, but I am honestly starting to feel the payoff.

It's still hard, and some days are much worse than others, but I highly recommend to new people going through this, to everyday just make sure you do at least one nice thing for yourself.

Well, this is weird. Even though we told our boys in early September so that it could all be out in the open and relatives would know better than to ask them awkward questions like 'where's your mom?", apparently the news has only started to get out. I got a call from H's cousins yesterday saying how sorry they were to hear the news, etc. They were very very kind and it made me feel good. Part of the pain of what's happening is that his family seemed to be throwing me away as well, but it turns out that no one really knew. And one interesting thing the cousin said was: "Well, what little I talked to him, it does seem like there is a midlife crisis going on." That makes me feel better, because in the beginning he was 100% blaming me, and I was taking it. Well, he is still 100% blaming me, but I am not accepting it all anymore. I definitely had my part in it, but so did he.

I felt a lot of shame when the bomb hit
what would people think...

after a while , I worked through it and it left
many people get D and Many R split

after more time I realized most of his family and friends knew he was having issues
they could clearly tell..when he introduced his new GF at the time of 28 he was 40

as time went on, his mother reached out to me concerned of his mental state b4 she passed..In the end everyone really knows the truth,,,not that it matters but we know we did all we could in a situation that is sometimes very hopeless at least for a time while they pass thru the crises

Thanks Peace. This is such a strange journey and it truly feels like an alien has taken him over. Sometimes I see glimpses of him, and that makes it worse, but it's mainly the monster I have to deal with. I guess his family (at least outside his mother and brother) is starting to see him unravel a bit. I have no idea what his mother is thinking. She won't talk to me.

sometimes I think it takes a while b4 the MLCer close close family can see it

Im not sure how long it took b4 xMIL called here to reconnect with her grandkids
Im sure my xh gave her a great story about how wonderful his new 28 year old drug addicted W was and what a witch I was
she saw through it because it was so apparent
they can't keep up the fantasy life for long

keep taking care of you
each day passes LBS gets better as the macer goes deeper in crises

hang in