Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Journey with WAS (Part 6)

Make sure you get a workout in about 1 hr prior to the meet up

Haha!! You read my mind brother. I am definitely going to be doing that. Used it the first time yesterday and it was awesome. Felt pumped.

Sent a text to W and shouldn't have done it. It probably got her more pissed off. Just thanked her for connecting with me yesterday even though it was a difficult convo. Just realizing now that she hated that kind of phrasing where I would say things like 'thanks' or 'I appreciate'.. ahh oh well! I need to get that out of my vocabulary for a little while.

Matrix, I am going to be re-reading your post and J-dawg's post to get my mind and heart ready for this convo.

But something you said, I just want to vocalize my thoughts on it. I don't think you meant it this way, but I was thinking about my boundaries and what I will accept and what I won't tolerate.

She can be the 'crazy loose cannon' and that's fine, but I won't be yelled and screamed at. If she does that, I am ending the convo. I won't be disrespected.

I understand she's angry, but I am not going to be her punching bag. I am also angry and I have not treated her as a punching bag. She can be angry, but if it's yelling and screaming, I am ending the convo.

If she admits to OM and dating and all of that, I am ending the convo. I won't sit there being disrespected and I am certainly not okay with an open marriage.

Also, there is no 'us' conversation unless she wants to work on the MR. If she asks what that would look like, I will give her a couple of things that would be non-negotiable for me - like MC.

Also, I am not interested in being her 'friend'.

As far as I can see, there are only two dimensions to our relationship moving forward. 1) we work together as co-parents and I am there 1000% with her on that. I can be cordial, friendly, and cooperative; 2) we work on 'us', which has a number of things that I'd want as part of the process.

If she tells me all kinds of things that I believe is revisionist history and cherry picking, I am not going to argue with her about it and just validate her feelings and try to not get into it too much. I don't want to be defending myself or arguing with her over minutae at this point. But, I want her to know that I am listening to her actively and it's registering.

One of the issues is that I don't wear my heart on the sleeve and I don't cry often. It's not something I can change over night, or ever. She takes that as me being unemotional and uncaring. I don't know how to fix that. I am not suddenly going to burst into tears in front of her because of whatever she said.

Anyways, just putting down some thoughts and wanting to make sure I am enforcing my boundaries, which are about me, and not taking $hit from her.

M....question. Why do you think she has gotten you all worked up? When you were married and you had arguments how would they start and how would they end? If you think about it from a 180 standpoint how would a new M approach these types of discussions?

I think I am worked up because I don't want to take $hit from her. I don't want to be pushed into any conversation that I don't want to have, like about 'us'. I can give her some idea of what that would look like for me, but I am not going into a long discussion about our intimacy issues. I think it's irrelevant at this point unless she wants to work on the MR.

When we were married, one of our issues was that we wouldn't have arguments. We were both conflict avoiders and the times when we would have an argument - almost always started by her - then I would just focus on resolving it and placating her even if I disagreed with whatever she was saying.

A new M would approach conflict productively - both of us would voice our feelings and then work together to solve the issue. We would bring issues to the table and not sweep them under the rug. I would also put my needs on the table on the issue and what I thought of it instead of trying to 'fix' it or resolve it as soon as possible. I would also not be scared by her anger and stand up for myself in a calm cool way. I would walk away if she was using me as a punching bag.

I think that would be a good start to managing conflict in a healthy way. Also, not to shy away from it but be proactive in dealing with it.

Maika, I like how you're thinking about boundaries for your upcoming convo. It's the best way to face the unknown. I personally suspect it's a temp check.

Where will you have this convo? Will it be someplace where you can get up and leave if things become unproductive?

Regarding revisionist history, I've noticed my STBXW likes to bring up the past a lot. It could be she's trying to convince herself of her actions. It could be she wants me to apologize for my faults, so she feels justified. Or maybe she just had too much cabbage for dinner.

Remember, keep your expectations in check.

Yeah Holding, it could be a temp check, who knows. I just realized that if I don't actively manage my boundaries, then she's going to take me to town and it will reproduce the same dynamics in the MR. I am not tolerating being disrespected and someone $hitting all over me.

In terms of revisionist history, I am not going to argue with her. I am going to try and validate without coming across as patronizing. Also, I know she will most likely look for me to respond to whatever revisionist history she's talking about and her feelings about it. This will be her way of getting me to argue with her or put my position on it.

I thought a lot about how to handle this and my plan is to validate and then say something like:

"I am taking your feelings seriously about x thing/event and I am not going to argue with you because your feelings are real, and how you feel is real. I want to listen to you and understand how all of this has made you feel. I had no idea that you felt this way"

This way I don't have to argue with her about how she has warped our MR history in her head because that is a lose-lose conversation for me and it invalidates how she feels. I will add some of my thoughts for whatever is being talked about, but I will do that mildly and not become argumentative.

If she thinks our whole MR was horrible for her - which she has said once - then there is absolutely no point in trying to convince her otherwise. There were tons of good times according to me and if she doesn't see that, then you're wasting your breath.

I am just trying to think through what I want to get out of this convo and how I want to handle myself.

Expectations are at sub zero temperatures lol. If this turns out to be a temp check, she's not getting 'I want you back, i love you' etc etc from me.

Unfortunately this convo will be at my place because of the kids schedule. If she goes against any of my boundaries, I am just going to ask her to leave and she can show herself out. I can't run away from my own place as kids will be sleeping, so I will have to ask her to leave.

All in all, I feel better about taking some time to think it through and get feedback from folks here. Helped tremendously

Will she respect your request to leave? (My STBXW wouldn't.)

Can you reschedule to a neutral place or maybe hers? The power to end a conversation is important IMO.

Yeh I’m certain she would leave and respect my wishes. I can just walk out of the room if needed. There isn’t any other solution right now. I don’t want to drag this out.

Just came back from climbing and it was a great thing. Worked on a new route and made it 3 quarters of the way. Tried it a number of times. Gonna go back to solve it later this week. It was just what I needed after work today. Working out tomorrow morning. I might do it in my pajamas, who knows. I’m loving having my gear at home. Also picked up some new calligraphy pens for my tattoo designs. Will work on it tonight. I’m pumped to get em designed and then going to the shop to find an artist who can do fine lines. Feeling pretty positive and good.

Maybe it would help if you set the expectations. W I know we have some thing to discuss and I would appreciate it we talk in a calm manner so that it can be a productive conversation. Something like that.



My W would start most of our discussion and would avoid them mainly because when I argued back she wouldn't accept responsibility and turned it around on me. Again maybe set the expectation that when you talk you are no longer going to avoid the tough conversations. You may not agree with what I am going to say but it is my truth. I don't want to sweep things under the rug any more because nothing will get solved.



Good, don't be scared but if she gets angry vs just walking away maybe tell her that you would appreciate it if she could talk in a calm manner and if you can't then we can revisit this conversation when your in a better place.